BC: Schink.

Oh, Corpse of Johnny Hart, as baffling and then horrifying as this comic is, I'm afraid it's got nothing on Momma. Indeed, on the Mommameter, in which an adorable malapropism about carrots is a 1 and honest-to-goodness suicide in the service of a bad joke is a 10, this couldn't rank any higher than a 6. They are just snakes, after all.

Dilbert: How engineers duel.

Just last week I was arguing with some guy who sent me to an hour-long YouTube video with instructions to watch it and then construct an essay refuting it point by boring point or he would never take me seriously again.

He will never take me seriously again.

Family Circus: I just figured out I'm unemployed.

Here we see Jeffy lamenting the implementation of child labor laws, which--along with libraries--has turned this once great nation into a socialist dystopia and deprived children like himself of ambition and purpose. Indeed, the image is made all the more meaningful by the starkly different paths the two characters involved have taken. Dolly has risen to the challenge of her world's laws by becoming even more ambitious and ruthless than she might otherwise have been, even as Jeffy has devolved into an endless cycle of delusional victimhood and murderous rage.

Beetle Bailey: Always remember that.

And so it turns out that overweight, physically unattractive people can say nice things every once in a while. This is apparently very surprising and hilarious.

Family Circus: Do you like little kids?

I imagine this is what most unsuspecting visitors feel like when they accidentally stumble across my blog.

Pluggers: When a mom is away, a plugger dad can whip up dinner as quick as you can say, "I'd like to place a take-out order."

This cartoon is hilarious because male pluggers know that cooking is a debasing activity designed specifically for women.

Marmaduke: Why can't he just be satisfied with a squeak toy?

I'm almost 100% certain that this is a direct reference to Internet pornography. Featuring Marmaduke.

I'm so, so sorry.

Hagar the Horrible: What's for dinner, Helga?!

Men. Dates. Hilarity. Etc.

Family Circus: Do I hafta wear shoes with this skirt?

In an attempt to regain the upper hand in the constant power struggle of their relationship, Thel has apparently taken to dressing Dolly in pillow cases. This is admittedly a pretty devious plan, but it's unlikely anything's going to hold Dolly back at this point.

Family Circus: Who threw sunflower seeds all over this floor?

In the event that you are confused by the "Not me!" gremlin, Wikipedia is here to provide you with all the information you need. The information will not, however, make it any less horrifying.

And given that we now know Jeffy to be tormented by his parents, other comic strip characters and gremlins, a demon hand and lycanthropy seem all the more plausible, and his murderous yearning all the more understandable.