Saturday, January 16, 2010

Monty: I was dreaming I was in Australia...

This comic is hilarious because it's virtually the same as this Family Circus cartoon. Minus the physical abuse, of course.

F Minus: I'll catch up with you guys later. I have to go try to convince some good kids to smoke.

I really like comics that unpack our society's oversimplified myths. This is not how peer pressure actually works, but you wouldn't really know that by the way people talk about it.

Family Circus: ...sounds like it's snowin'!

As someone who lives in a place where it often snows, I am well qualified to tell you that it is not, in fact, quiet during snowstorms, if for no other reason than the noticeably unquiet sound of plows passing by every 15 minutes or so.

Ergo, Jeffy remains a fucking idiot.

Luann: No. Well, yes.

This comic is hilarious because women are stupid and have difficulty making good decisions for themselves.

Cleats: I hope that's melted snow.

Ha ha! Urine!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Mallard Fillmore: Dear Larry, Thanks for the heads-up, but I checked with

The brilliance of Mallard Fillmore is that it's basically a combination of lame chain email jokes, crazy right-wing chain email paranoia, and pictures of a duck that talks. It's not hard to see why it's so popular.

Family Circus: You sure have a lot of cute pictures of us, Grandma.

This cartoon is hilarious because Dolly thinks she and her siblings are cute when they are in fact terrifying Hell-beasts.

Agnes: I think that when people criticize my dancing, they are actually just jealous of my gifted feet.

Since I've mentioned a couple times that cartoonists often seem to avoid drawing feet, here's an alternative solution to the difficulty: draw feet that intentionally and comically look nothing like actual feet. Tony Cochran pretty much nails it.

The Oatmeal: How Twilight Works

The whole thing won't fit on this here blog, but this brief analysis of Twilight is the best comic you're going to read all day.

Hat tip to friend of the Twitter Knittaplease.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Flying McCoys: The world will end tomorrow!

I've run out of things to say about comics that use mother-in-law jokes, but they really need to be shamed, so here's The Flying McCoys being awful, as is its wont.

Mallard Fillmore: Dear Larry, Thank you for forwarding yet another forwarded e-mail joke to me.

Here we see Mallard Fillmore striking out at its main competition.

La Cucaracha: We're testing dogs who can sniff out anymore "underwear bombers."

Considering that this comic appears to be predicated on the notion that dogs dislike the smell of underwear, it's quite clear that Lalo Alcaraz has never actually met a dog.

Family Circus: Mommy, is it too soon to outgrow these shoes?

It appears that rather than selling off one of their children as chattel, Bill and Thel have instead been forcing the kids to wear shoes that are too small for their feet. While still not ideal, it is preferable, especially considering that the child they were considering selling was PJ.*

*This is according to Billy's calculations, however, and it's possible that he was basing it on service time rather than value. Since it's unlikely the children are unionized, Bill and Thel probably would have sold whichever child would bring in the largest return. Considering he's the youngest and least vile (this is relatively speaking, of course), it still may have been PJ. Dolly and Billy could have their uses, however, to prospective child-buyers. Jeffy is, of course, worthless in every way.

Drabble: Honeybunch! What are you DOING??

And so in Drabbleland, it is beyond the pale for a woman to climb a ladder.*

This is not surprising.

*This presumably applies to social ladders, as well.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Get Fuzzy: Reflections on a vase

The punchline to this comic exists in the unseen fourth panel and is funnier for being unseen. The third panel, meanwhile, is made funnier by the moment of uncertainty the absence of the obvious punchline causes. The second panel is made funnier when we realize--the uncertainty of the third panel having passed--that Bucky's not actually looking at the vase. And the first panel is made funnier by knowing just what kind of reflections Bucky means. And so maybe the punchline is in the first panel. And so maybe the first panel is the fourth panel. And it's at its funniest the moment you just catch sight of that.

Rose is Rose: Smooch

This comic is hilarious because Rose and Jimbo are going to have sex in a mound of garbage.*

*Surrounded by tiny, happy rainbows, of course.

The Phantom: A white flag would come in handy about now!

A white flag? Apparently (what he believes to be) his wife's horrific death has turned The Phantom into a huge, purple pussy. Mark Fucking Trail could defeat those nature-destroying bombs in a freaking canoe.

Family Circus: How did my wisdom teeth get smarter than the others?

And so it appears that Dolly can't even talk about her teeth without the discussion turning towards hegemonic relations.

This is not surprising.

Mallard Fillmore: ...By liberals on television, who oppose "profiling" to fight terrorism.

This comic is hilarious because if you put quotation marks around the word "profiling," then you're not actually being racist when you argue that the government should systematically single out individuals of certain races and subject them to indignities people of other races don't have to suffer.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Pluggers: A plugger knows the closest thing to "free" health care actually costs about 50 cents a day.

And so Pluggers has expanded its health reform alternative. In addition to eating apples, you should also read a newspaper column written by some hack ripping off Dr. Donohue.*

*Plus, you know, the whole Medicare thing.

Curtis: Sure! I don't like to blow my own horn, but I'm the bestest skater in the 'hood! I'm, like, the black Greg Louganis of ice skating!

This Curtis is, like, the black Greg Louganis of the comics section.

Family Circus: You behave back there or we're gonna turn this car 'round right now!

After perhaps biting off a bit more than her 4-year-old self can chew, Dolly's going back to the basics.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Marmaduke: Sometimes I'm sorry I ever taught you to sit.

This cartoon is hilarious because dogs would never sit down if we didn't teach them how to.

Mark Trail: It's going to be interesting to see what happens!

It certainly is! I look forward to Mark punching Senator Wallace in the face in an effort to save Rusty from being eaten by the terrifying man with the detachable jaw. Because he's Mark Fucking Trail, and he's looking goddamn dapper in that suit.

Peanuts: She gave me a dollar to make up for it, but I'm gonna look awfully silly sucking my thumb and holding a dollar.

The brilliance of Peanuts is that it doesn't condescend, and it doesn't treat its characters as though they were stupid.

Linus is not the butt of this joke. Money is.

Prickly City: There goes that resolution...

This comic is hilarious because Winslow is going to die horribly.

Dennis the Menace: My piggy bank needs a bailout.

Oh, kids are so adorable, what with the way they take words they overhear on the news and insert them awkwardly into their own conversations in an effort to achieve desirous results.

You know, just like cartoonists.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Family Circus: DINNER!

This comic is hilarious because Billy did exactly what his mother asked him to do, but in a way that was not entirely pleasing to Thel.

Candorville: A fan from Maine sent it...

I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that, despite the geographical proximity, the SUV in that photograph is not, in fact, mine.

Though I do enjoy Candorville a fair amount.