Saturday, August 15, 2009

Family Circus: The weatherman on TV didn't say anything about this, Daddy. Can we sue him?

And by "sue him," Jeffy means "cut off his head and eat his brains." Because he is a serial killer. But he's just smart enough to know that his shit doesn't fly in polite society. Not even with the Keanes.

Born Loser: You must have won.

This comic is hilarious because Brutus is a terrible father who does not attend his son's baseball games.

Pluggers: Pluggers know a hug makes the perfect size fits all and they are returnable.

The problem with Pluggers is that it's often just too dark and depressing. So today's cartoon, which indicates a shift toward more Rose Is Rose style euphoria, is surely a welcome development to everyone.

In the Bleachers: Stop! This is crazy. We mustn't.

This comic is hilarious because the man wants to fuck the fish, but the fish is having doubts.

Rudy Park: We know. It's not funny. Seriously. We know.

Actually, this is just as funny as any other Rudy Park. And far less annoying. The first three panels, anyway.

Betty: It's like watching a vampire hug a braid of garlic!

And this comic is hilarious because teenage boys don't like hugging their mothers.

Adam@Home: But no pony.

This comic is hilarious because little girls like ponies.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Sally Forth: Time to get you out of this funk, Mom.

In the next exciting installment of Sally Winkerbean: Sally walks into the attic and finds her mother's lifeless body dangling from the rafters. Annoyed but still witty, Sally remarks, "Geez, Mom, why don't we just hang around here all day?"

Lola: Some kid at the store today called me a dinosaur.

So Lola eats children.

This is not even remotely surprising.

Family Circus: I guess tents aren't very good for throwing balls against.

Jeffy is very, very stupid. On the other hand, he's not being a douche or fantasizing about killing anybody, so Thel should probably just let it go and count what few blessings she has.

Luann: OK, I'm off to show Quill around the library.

The last week or so of Luann has been hilarious because Luann might fuck Quill in the library at some point in the no doubt distant future.

In the next three weeks of Luann: Luann walks in the general direction of the library. Luann stops to eat an ice cream cone and further discusses the possibility of fucking Quill in the library. Luann continues on her way to the library.

Mark Trail: After a rifle shot barely misses Mark, he knows he is trailing the right man.

So Mark Trail is evidently hot on the trail of an Animorph gone bad. I'm just curious as to what the mysterious shooter did with his gun while he was in the form of a deer.

Beetle Bailey: Lost it all playing poker again, huh? Sorry I can't help.

This comic is hilarious because Killer has a gambling addiction that could potentially destroy his life.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Rose is Rose: Yes! And it feels great between my toes, Meemaw!

This comic strip contains images of a beach ball, hearts, musical notes, a smiling sun, candy canes, and a rainbow. (A motherfucking rainbow!) Seriously.

In the next exciting installment of Rose is Rose: Rose licks a unicorn that poops Jujyfruits and pisses pure happiness.

Family Circus: PJ's eating his marshmallows raw!

PJ appears to have had an impressive growth spurt over the past couple of days. This is a good thing, as perhaps in a few more days he will be bigger still and better able to beat the ever living shit out of Jeffy, who remains not only a fucking idiot, but an enormous douche as well.

(Though I think it's likely PJ could take him as is.)

Off the Mark: Come in, Daddy! You're not yellow, are you?

Every good cartoonist knows that the only thing funnier than a joke about farting in the pool is a joke about peeing in the pool.

BC: Pop, I said I was bored, not desperate.

It's so true that kids hate reading things. This is why newspapers are right to not even bother trying to make their comics sections appealing to anybody under the age of eighty.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Family Circus: My mattress has a flat!

This comic is hilarious because Billy's air mattress is OH MY GOD WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO BILL'S FACE?

Prickly City: $9,000,000,000,000.00!

You know what would solve this problem?

Flying to the moon.

Marmaduke: The soles of my shoes just melted.

This comic is hilarious because Winslows have not taught Marmaduke to walk politely on a leash.

Hagar the Horrible: I'll surrender my castle right now...but taking my mother-in-law with it has to be part of the deal!

Shockingly enough, setting a mother-in-law joke during a castle raid does not make it any funnier.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Sally Forth: Mom, why are you so depressed?

In the next exciting installment of Sally Winkerbean: Sally's mother continues to explain why she is unhappy. Sally makes fun of her some more. Sally's mother remains unhappy.

BC and Hi and Lois: Busted.

Men lie to their wives and neglect their children. This isn't bad or anything. It's just funny.

Adam@Home: So if you'll be nice to me, I'll scrape you extra in that spot you like.

Rodney may be fucking two horses, but at least he's not fucking an inanimate object, which is what Adam appears to be on the verge of doing.

Wizard of Id: Why are you taking two horses into battle?

And so Rodney's now fucking two horses.

Good for him! He ought to get what he can while he's still young and virile, before he descends into the hell that is marriage in the land of Id.

Family Circus: Daddy's lettin' his whiskers grow. Why can't I let my dirt grow?

Look, Billy is not an idiot like his melon-headed siblings. He doesn't actually believe that dirt literally grows. He's just pointing out that if his father gets to be an irresponsible, disheveled slob, why shouldn't he get to be one, too? And it's a perfectly reasonable point. Thel will try to laugh it off, then get angry, then perhaps resort to some physical abuse. But she cannot win this argument, and she knows it all too well.

Ziggy: We tried installing a new car battery, but your car's immune system rejected it!

So cars in the Ziggyverse are apparently living, breathing organisms. We can only hope that they will one day attain sentience, rise up and devour short, bald man-things everywhere.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Family Circus: Stop bouncing on those air mattresses!

This cartoon is hilarious because the Keane kids are bouncing on air mattresses.

On another note, Thel is one angry mother. Hardly a cartoon goes by in which she is not issuing some sort of sharp directive or furrowing her brow in incipient rage or, at the very least, exhibiting a pained grimace. I can hardly blame her, of course. Her life well and truly sucks. But perhaps she would do well to take a vacation by herself. Maybe visit her old friend Ziggy and take out the trash in the nude and feel content for a change. Not that Bill would ever allow such a thing. It's not as though he could be expected to take responsibility for the children (or even himself) for any period of time.

In the Bleachers: I want him out of this country club!

This cartoon is hilarious because it has a weird subtext of racial discrimination that should probably be avoided at all costs.

Rudy Park: It's not funny anymore.

Also not funny anymore? Rudy Park. But then, it never was.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Pluggers: Wanted posters in plugger neighborhoods have pictures of cats and dogs on them.

Many different animals live and work in Pluggerville, which has always been presented as some sort of common sense Utopia wherein all those animals coexist in perfect harmony. But this cartoon suggests that there's a darker side to Pluggerville, in which certain kinds of animals are much more likely to face an angry, "justice"-seeking mob of pitchfork-wielding pluggers than others.

And so Pluggers is apparently a subtle, comics section retelling of George Orwell's Animal Farm.

I have to admit, I did not see that one coming.

Pearls Before Swine and Ziggy: What the fuck, Zig?

Rat's is a perfectly acceptable response to virtually any Ziggy cartoon, including today's.

Family Circus: ...

So Bill has fed his family psychotropic drugs to ensure that his story will scare them.

I am not surprised by this.

Cathy: Isn't there anyplace left where lessons aren't required??

Today's Cathy is like either a very blunt Pickles or a very long Pluggers. Which is to say, I am not looking forward to Cathy and Irving's sunset years.

BC and Blondie: A guy told me the best fishing spot is on this side of the jetty.

Every cartoonist also knows that the only sport even close to as inherently hilarious as golf is fishing.