Saturday, December 19, 2009

Family Circus: If I forgot anything, maybe I can just send you a Facebook message.

At first, I was quite taken aback at the revelation that a Keane not only knows what the Internet is, but is actually a user of the dreaded Facebook.

But after taking a moment to digest the information, it's all starting to come together. If this were Jeffy, it would make no sense; feral child-beasts have no need for modern technology. But of course Dolly would be using said technology to her advantage. What is Dolly most concerned about, after all? Power.* And what better way to gain power than by harnessing all the world's technology?

Indeed, this cartoon can mean only one thing. You know that impending robot apocalypse? Well, I think we just found the future leader of the post-apocalyptic robot world.**

*Just look at her intimidating Santa Claus here, for example. Frigging Santa Claus!

**Which, by the way, will still have butterflies.

Mark Trail: Tell it to the judge tomorrow!

This is the part of every Mark Trail story where I get irrationally excited over the prospect of Rusty finally dying horribly. "This is it!" I say. "There's NO WAY he can escape a horrible but entertaining death this time!" But, of course, he always does.

Even with Rusty's imminent rescue taken into account, however, this is nonetheless the Greatest Mark Trail Story Ever. If you have to ask why, you just haven't been paying attention. Over the course of the last week or so, it has somehow meanderingly escalated from a pleasant drive along the seashore to Mark being harassed by a cigar chomping lawman as Rusty slowly disintegrates under a car.

The thing of it is, this really is Mark Trail at its best. It's ridiculous and it's pretty terrible art, but I refuse to believe that anybody could read this particular story and not be entertained.

Shoe: Irv, did I leave my laptop here yesterday?

This comic is hilarious because something about porn.*

*This is my laziest post ever. But does Shoe really deserve any better?

Friday, December 18, 2009

Grand Avenue: Technology has improved a great many things. Christmas cards aren't one of them.

Indeed, I hate the way technology has forced my friends and relatives to mail me nothing more than white pieces of paper with the word "E-MAIL" typed on them. And this in place of lovingly signed, mass produced cards that come in boxes of fifty and sell for $3.99 at the drug store. Truly, the true meaning of Christmas has been lost to time and civilization's terrible decay.

Peanuts: I hate playing "teddy bear"!

Today's rerun is probably the creepiest Peanuts comic I've ever seen.

Family Circus: If I'm not allowed to touch anything, why am I here?

For the first time in his life, Jeffy appears to have made a good point.

This has, of course, made Thel very angry.

Crock: Victoria's Secret Catalogs

If I'm understanding the joke here, it's that these men are obviously seeing an hallucination and are therefore going to die horribly. Ha ha! It's irony!

But look: You're a dude walking through an endless desert. You're starving and you're dying of thirst. What are you going to imagine in your oasis? Probably food and water. But let's say you're a sex addict. Well then, you might imagine some attractive and willing young ladies as well. Are you likely, however, to imagine a magazine full of underwear advertisements? Is your imagination that pathetic? Or are you just the kind of pervert who actually prefers his women clothed and in tiny, two-dimensional form?

Beetle Bailey: You just need a new set of "Sarge Absorbers."

Which came first: Beetle's snide comments about Sarge's obesity or Sarge's constant physical abusiveness?

The answer to this question will determine with which character my sympathy will ultimately lie.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Ziggy and Pearls Before Swine: Ziggy, it seems we've been recieving complaints from the other comic strips about your lack of pants!

I mock Ziggy a lot here, largely because it's terrible in almost every conceivable way. On the other hand, my taste runs more toward Pearls Before Swine, with its caustic, cynical satire. So I'm really not at all in Ziggy's target demographic, which I presume is composed almost entirely of greeting card executives and old ladies who collect fairy figurines. And, you know, they have different standards than me. That said, I still think Ziggy sucks as a piece of art, but it is undeniably a very successful product, and I blame Tom Wilson not one whit for making the most of it.

The other point I want to make is that even though cartoonists like Wilson make crappy comics, they're still probably pretty funny people. I base this on the theory that you can't make it in a funny business without being a funny person, even if the product you end up producing turns out to be not all that funny. This is to say, I'm pretty sure that if I went out to lunch with Tom Wilson or Jeff Keane, they would prove to be pretty witty conversationalists.* So it never surprises me to see the sort of thing we find in today's comics section, in which Wilson appears to take all of Stephan Pastis' ribbing in good fun.***

*Until they murdered me in cold blood, of course.**

**Ha ha! I'm just kidding! They have wonderful senses of humor! They would find my blog delightful!

***Pastis actually writes about this here and here.

Family Circus: Something's wrong! This candle just smells like a candle.

This cartoon is hilarious because Dolly is unaware that while many candles are scented, some are not.

Mallard Fillmore: ...In which the males trade "diamonds" and "Lexuses" to the females ... for small bottles of "aftershave lotion."

Ah, Mallard Fillmore. The only comic in the comics section brave enough to mix lamentations over the War on ChristmasTM with blatant and hilarious misogyny.

Six Chix: Ice storm. Ice cubes. Ice Queen.

It is always hilarious to observe that some phrases include the same word as other phrases, and that the precise meaning of the word depends on the context of the phrase in which it is used.

Dennis the Menace: Don't blow it, kid.

Yet more evidence that all is not well in Menaceville, as Henry conspires with his son in his effort to bed the new babysitter.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Herb & Jamaal: Hello, Mom? I have a secret, but you can't tell anyone!...

This comic is hilarious because women sure do have big mouths, don't they?

Family Circus: I'l go get some of my lions and tigers!

Should we be surprised to learn that Jeffy would like to see the baby Jesus get eaten alive by wild animals?

No. No we should not.

Curtis: If only all our questions could be answered so easily!

This comic is hilarious because Curtis has to poop.

BC: Of course, it can have its advantages.

This comic is hilarious because the wolf wants to fuck the Cute Chick, too.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Mark Trail: Well, let's go have a look at this bad boy!

And so Mark Trail appears to have turned into The Dukes of Hazard.

I was not expecting that, but nonetheless welcome the development.

Family Circus: We're here if you need any help lookin' through those catalogs.

This cartoon is hilarious because the Keane children are adorably shallow and materialistic.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Family Circus: ...That needs to be a BLUE one. It's red, green, blue, THEN yellow!

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy understands how patterns work, while Bill does not.

Cathy: Run for your lives!! She's stuck on "auto-shop"!!

Ha ha! Women are completely enthrall to their consumerist and craft-making ids! They have no control of themselves whatsoever! This is why maintaining the patriarchal hegemony is so important!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Family Circus: The Maxwells have THEIRS up!

This cartoon is hilarious because Bill also hates things that make his children happy.