Saturday, February 13, 2010

Family Circus: I woked up very sad this morning 'cause I don't 'member anybody kissing me good night last night.

Despite his intense stupidity, it appears that Jeffy might finally be catching on to the sad fact that everybody in his family hates him.

Peanuts: Rats! Nobody ever gives me any valentines!

With the exception of Christmas, I'm not sure there's any holiday that cut to the core of what Peanuts is about quite like Valentine's Day.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Marmaduke: That's just part of his charm, Aunt Emma.

This cartoon is hilarious because biting off your head and licking out your brains is just Marmaduke's way of letting you know he thinks you're swell.

Family Circus: How come spring and fall don't have Olympics, too?

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy does not know about the history of the Olympics and is somewhat curious.

Mark Trail: Th ... the doctor warned me this might happen!

My doctor once told me that if I went out into the woods, I would likely get assaulted by thugs and die of a heart attack. So I took a moment to reflect and ask myself what Mark Fucking Trail would do in this situation. And then I punched ol' Doc Johnson in the face for being such a pussy.

Needless to say, I turned out just fine, thank you, but for the slight loss of motor skills on my left side.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Close to Home: It says here that men who make love twice a week live 12 years longer than men who are celibate You're trying to kill me, aren't you?

This cartoon is hilarious because why won't women have sex with men whenever men want to have sex with them? Don't they know that's why they exist in the first place?

Agnes: It's good to have your facts backed with vague memories.

Sadly, this is a pretty good representation of the knowledge base most of the people who argue about religion on the Internet are working from.

Family Circus: Can I use that towel, Mommy, or is it just for normal people?

This cartoon has me almost feeling bad for Jeffy, which is something new and vaguely uncomfortable. Apparently the Keane parents have segregated their children somehow. I'm guessing this has something to do with Jeffy's feral origins, which make yesterday's cartoon seem almost poignant.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

BC: I just jumped the shark!

If you're a comic strip that's currently being authored by a corpse, you should probably think twice before making a joke like this.

Family Circus: Mommy, how old was I when I decided to be borned?

Observe Jeffy's down-turned eyes and generally sluggish appearance. The way he's pointing at nothing in particular. The even more strained than usual construction of his sentence. I'm convinced that what we are witnessing here are the final death throes of Jeffy's brain functionality. By tomorrow, he will be a vegetable, kept alive only by the iron lung the Keanes have been keeping in the basement these last few years, precisely in anticipation of this fateful day.

Mark Trail: Watch who you are slapping, old man!

If you're wondering why Mark appears to have been replaced with a life-sized animatronic model in the final panel, it's because ... he totally has! It is surely a clever ruse and Mark is hiding behind the tree in the second panel! Mark could never just an allow old man to get punched in the face by these no-good rapscallions! Could he? Could he?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Mallard Fillmore:: ...not to mention job offers from six Ivy League colleges and MSNBC...

This comic is hilarious because liberals hate America.*

*It never gets old!

F Minus: Children! This is not part of the show! Please back away slowly!

In which F Minus taps into my childhood nightmares.

Family Circus: You didn't brush your teeth! I still smell peanut butter!

It would seem to me that Dolly has bigger fish to fry than her idiot brother's dental hygiene, but such is the curse of a micromanager.

Dennis the Menace: Relax, Mom! I caught the mouse!

Thank gosh a male was around!

And now a question for the female readers of this fine blog: given your delicate sensibilities and general pathetic helplessness, which is more terrifying and incapacitating, a mouse or a flat tire?

Better Half: Do you think I'm getting hotter as I age ... or is it just global warming?

Global warming jokes: they never get old! Really!*

*No, not really.

Mark Trail: You AREN'T ordering us anywhere, Mister Parker!

You can tell he's a distinguished senator by the open hand slap.

Speaking of which, if the senators on C-Span were more like the senators in Mark Trail, I would watch C-Span more often.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Family Circus: I can't come out 'cause I'm sick in bed with a cold.

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy is not actually in bed at this exact moment, though he probably was just a minute ago.

Mark Trail: Well, that's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, Mister Senator!

Joe has poked the senator in the chest! Have these shaggy-haired hooligans no sense of propriety?

9 Chickweed Lane: Honey, just look pretty. They won't care what you're singing.

This comic is hilarious because it doesn't matter what women say, only how they look.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Family Circus: ...

Are we entirely convinced that Bill's not beating Jeffy to death with that Bert hand puppet in the final panel?

Pearls Before Swine: My father-in-law died.

Yet another touching Sunday comic, from perhaps an even more unlikely source.