Saturday, December 18, 2010

Mutts and Mother Goose and Grimm: I don't think I have time to send out Christmas cards this year.

I'm feeling magnanimous, so there are just going to have to be a few best comics of the day today.

The cat in this Mother Goose and Grimm is basically me, and the single best way to get me to mention a comic strip is to appeal to my sense of egotism.

Mutts, meanwhile, is just delightful. I don't know what else to say about it, really. It's just so damn delightful. Which, as a general rule, is pretty much what Mutts usually is when it's good.

Mark Trail: Then I guess I'll have to try it alone!

Having failed, like so many women before her, to seduce Mark, Miss Kelly Welly has decided to go back to her hotel room and masturbate.

At least I'm assuming that's the metaphor at play here.

Get Fuzzy: Even ELMO, the cutest thing EVER?

I actually hate Elmo, but I love that Satchel loves him.

Family Circus: Can I say, "Yes"?

In a shocking twist, Billy has turned on Dolly and begun to reassert Thel's illusion of control. It will be interesting to see how Dolly reacts. It's possible she'll just give the signal and this mall Santa will suffocate to death Billy with his beard.

Funky Winkerbean: I hope there hasn't been some kind of problem.

But there has, Summer! Les is dead! He's horribly, horribly dead!

Actually, I doubt Les is dead. There's been too much foreshadowing, and Batiuk probably isn't going to play it straight. I now expect a shocking twist in which we discover that Les has merely been crippled for life. The years of misery Batiuk could wring from such an injury far outweigh the few weeks of misery (more intense though it may be) that a single death brings about.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Flying McCoys: WikiLeaks founder

This joke wouldn't have been funny anyway, but the internal explanation really ruins it. Sometimes you just have to trust your audience.

Pearls Before Swine: What do you do when you have a moral dilemma?

Moral compasses are often glitchy, actually.

Marmaduke: None of these decorations is off our tree.

This cartoon is hilarious because Marmaduke has ruined some family's Christmas.

Funky Winkerbean: In fact, I'm surprised he hasn't called before this.

At this point, I think I'm actually going to be sort of annoyed if Les doesn't die horribly.

Family Circus: Later on we'll perspire, as we dream in the fire!

And so Jeffy has apparently come to accept his future in Hell.

I guess Billy can give up on trying to reform him.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Off the Mark: Bryan didn't realize who was following him.

Off the Mark is a really solid single-panel gag cartoon that I rarely talk about but usually enjoy. Today's installment uses both Twitter and a pun in service of a joke, which normally wouldn't be a good sign, but Mark Parisi manages to pull it off.

The cartoon works because neither Twitter nor the pun are the joke in and of themselves. Rather, they sort of each work as a set-up and a punchline at the same time; the tweets set up the pun, but the pun does just as good a job setting up the tweets. And what's really funny about the cartoon is the situation.

Which makes sense, given that single-panel cartoons tend to live or die by the absurd situations they depict.

The Phantom: She won't want Kit and Heloise to see her like this!

The Phantom's excuses for ignoring his children get better all the time.

Next week in The Phantom: "Diana's feeling better! We should really spend some time alone together! Kit and Heloise won't mind! Diana's happiness is all that matters now!"

Mother Goose and Grimm, Mutts, Rhymes with Orange, and Reality Check: Don't play those reindeer games with me, pal!


Herb and Jamaal: I'm an ovo-lacto vegetarian.

This comic is hilarious because, er, something vague and snide about vegetarianism.

Funky Winkerbean: Promise me you won't get on the plane!

And so Les is going to die horribly.


Family Circus: Mommy! Our read and green crayons are down to just nubs again.

This cartoon is hilarious because the Keane children have been coloring a lot (specifically with Christmas colors) and need new crayons.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Get Fuzzy: We're lucky in this country that most of the Muppets have been domesticated.

Actually, there's no part of this entire Get Fuzzy storyline that is not amazing.

Flying McCoys and Mother Goose and Grimm: Dancer with the Stars

Reindeer puns are going to get old pretty quickly.

Family Circus: It's beginnin' to SMELL a lot like Christmas.

Jeffy's insatiable appetite has been well established at this point. And given his less socially acceptable tastes, providing a constant supply of cookies is probably the way to go.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Big Nate: Success!

Nothing rocks harder than a goat. True story.

Argyle Sweater: One of history's less-talked about incidents: The Cuban Mistletoe Crisis.

Ha ha, gay!

Mark Trail: WHAM

Cherry's completely unhinged reaction to a common sitcom misunderstanding might seem a bit overdone. But you have to remember that she's a woman, and as such her female parts prevent her from having any control over her emotions.

This is also why she's always trying to kiss Mark at inappropriate times. Like when they're standing under mistletoe, for example.

Non Sequitur: Gen X in the Golden Years...

Ho ho, and I bet all their tattoos and piercings will look silly, too!

Funky Winkerbean: Look, I don't know who this is ... but this is a pretty sick joke!

This comic is hilarious because Les is evidently unaware that the entire world that he inhabits is a sick joke.

Family Circus: Does our homeowner's insurance cover it?

And so Billy apparently knows that homeowner's insurance is. Further proof that he's a genius? I'd say so.

Agnes: In the famous tradition of Jeff Smith and his epic graphic novel "Bone," I am starting my own.

Bone definitely falls under the Vonnegut axiom. And Agnes is good too, so everybody wins.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Mark Trail: Good luck with that!

Miss Kelly Welly just instantly became my new favorite comic strip villain.

If the comic strip weren't called Mark Trail, Mark wouldn't stand a chance against such a remorseless, self-centered enemy. As it is, I'm left hoping for some sort of spin-off. The best case scenario, of course, would be Mark getting himself Barney Googled, but that's just not going to happen, unfortunately.

Hagar the Horrible: No Gift Wrapping For Vikings

The joke here is harmless, but segregation really seems like the sort of thing comic strips should probably avoid making even loose references to.

Get Fuzzy: The Russians were WAY ahead of us in the Muppet Race.

There is no part of today's Get Fuzzy that is not amazing.

Funky Winkerbean: Les ... it's me ... Lisa!

If it turns out that Les's entire, annoying success tour was a dream and he's actually been laying on his deathbed the whole time, well, that would be pretty awesomely horrible.

What's impressive, though, is that Tom Batiuk is sure to think up something even more personally painful than that.

Blondie: Look! I finished my Christmas list!

If there's a question mark next to someone's name, you haven't actually finished your Christmas list. So this set-up really doesn't make any sense. What's weirder is that it's entirely superfluous. It's not as the comic needed begin with, "Look! I finished my Christmas list!" It could just as easily have begun with, "I'm not sure what to get you." And yet.

Family Circus: Would you like me to help you write a letter to Santa Claus, Grandma?

Apparently not even Grandma Keane is safe from Dolly's demeaning condescension at this point.


Maybe "ignorant juicebag" is a thing people say somewhere, but it looks like a standards and practices sort of thing to me. So an update is in order:

Things you can't say in the comics section:
  1. "Douchebag"
Things you can say in the comics section:

Hi and Lois: What's it taste like?

This comic is hilarious because Hi does not have a discerning palette.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Family Circus: Knight before Christmas.

Billy's really going to have to knock this shit off if he wants to be taken seriously as a prophet.

Mark Trail: The prescribed way to kiss under the mistletoe... apparently to grimace horribly like Mark Trail. Who knew?