Friday, December 31, 2010

Family Circus: That's it, I'm tired. I'm gonna call it a year.

Last year, nearly half the comics in the comics section featured New Year's Eve jokes about how hard it is to stay up until midnight. Only one of those comics features the same joke this New Year's Eve. That comic is The Family Circus.

This is, on the one hand, rather surprising and, on the other, not surprising at all.

Get Fuzzy: Bucky, China didn't build a wall to keep Muppets out.

Today's Get Fuzzy is about the great Muppet menace, which is disappointingly unlikely to become a New Year's Eve trope.

Hi and Lois: Good. That color will go perfectly with the Flagstone's lampshade.

Hi and Lois is easily the most interesting legacy strip, if only for its wide variety of tones. It usually settles for simple gags, but occasionally forays into more controversial territory (I can't find it now, but it has explicitly acknowledged global warming in a nonjokey way before) and at times into outright misery, as is the case today.

Seriously, there's no humor content here. This is just a comic about an alcoholic, his unhappy wife and their collapsing marriage. Of course, the timeless state of the comic means that the marriage will never actually collapse, but remain in a perpetually collapsing state. But that only makes it all the more depressing.

Mark Trail: Oh, no ... IT'S KELLY again ... what is she up to now? She's headed this way!

Kelly and her icky, womany vagina have so upset Mark that he is reduced to using contractions.

In the next exciting installment of Mark Trail: Kelly does something stupid, because she is a woman and that's what women do.

Shoe: I'm now a member of the treetops water board.

Oh good. Torture humor. My favorite.

This comic is hilarious because America violated basic human rights and nobody cares HA HA HA.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Family Circus: I got the sled, but Santa forgot to bring me snow.

This is why Jeffy prefers serial killing to so many other activities. His ability to murder people is never dependent upon the weather.

Garfield: Just look at me. What do I have to show for myself?

Garfield is the sort of comic that does so many things wrong that it's easy to forget the things it does right. Garfield Minus Garfield has sort of rectified that, but today's installment is the rare instance in which the titular character's presence actually makes the comic better and, in this case, sadder.

Crock: Christmas is over.

Not all comics contain jokes. Some comics are meant to impart some other sort of meaning besides humor. Sadly, I'm pretty sure this comic was meant to contain a joke.

Dennis the Menace: Do you give a free glass of milk with the free cookie?

Gasp! Requesting a glass of milk! My lands, that Dennis is just so rude!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Argyle Sweater: Hmmm...

I hope someday to face a choice like this.

Stone Soup: You want us to spend New Year's Eve at a SENIOR CENTER??

In the next very special installment of Stone Soup: Alix and, um, the other one learn a valuable lesson about old people.

Pluggers: Pluggers don't need one of those fancy, flashing, vibrating gadgets to let them know their table's ready.

And so the Olive Garden is just a little too high-class for pluggers.

This is not surprising.

Family Circus: This broke and I wasn't tired of it yet.

The censors unfortunately butchered this one. You just have to imagine the robot as a dead body to get the full effect.

Funky Winkerbean: Good for you...

AAARGH. If only Les had died horribly like he was SUPPOSED to, we wouldn't have to put up with this inane awkward love triangle.

Beetle Bailey: Can't I ever be alone?

This comic is hilarious because General Halftrack appears to be depressed and potentially suicidal.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Get Fuzzy: There'll be more Smurfs on you than Ugg boots at a Bieber concert.

I know that picking Get Fuzzy as the best comic of the day every day is kind of lame. But this story is just so good. And that line is amazing.

Born Loser: Did you find a puck so we can play hockey?

The Born Loser is not the worst strip in the comics section, but it is probably the hackiest. So it's not exactly a surprise to see a holiday fruitcake joke today. It's just kind of sad.

Herb and Jamaal: Silent Alarm

After the big Funky Winkerbean fake-out, I know I shouldn't get my hopes up over the prospect of Herb and Jamaal possibly each getting shot in the face. BUT OH MY GOD HOW AMAZING WOULD THAT BE?

Family Circus: C'mon, Daddy, you hafta put on your sweater. Mommy's feelin' cold.

Apparently Billy and Dolly are on good terms again, because this is some pretty harsh mockery. Thel doesn't stand a chance.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Get Fuzzy: Why are you so obsessed with how dangerous kids' TV characters are?

In all honesty, I just never want this arc to end. Ever.

At the very least, it needs to become a running gag. I will be very disappointed if this doesn't happen.

Quigmans: Check us out, people! We are live and streaming!

In the month or so that I've started reading the comics section again, The Quigmans hasn't been showing up on my Chron comics page. I was hoping this was because it had gotten unceremoniously canceled during the time that I was away. Sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case, as it unexpectedly appeared before me today.

The Quigmans is easily the worst comic strip running today. I actively despise it. I do not enjoy reading it at all, and it isn't fun to mock, as most of the bad installments of The Quigmans are so loathsome that my comments on them tend to simply be pointing out why they are sexist or racist or otherwise evil. I should really stop reading it. But I probably never will, if only because editing a Chron comics page is more trouble than it's worth.

The worst thing about this post is that it was inspired by a pretty run-of-the-mill Quigmans. Actually, for the Quigmans, this cartoon is pretty top-notch. And it's STILL the worst thing I've seen all day.

Wizard of Id: Look, Wiz, I know you love your new pet...

And so the Wizard wants to have a threesome with his wife and his new winged-lizard pet.

How could anyone be surprised by this, at this point?

Family Circus: Mommy! Can we start being naughty again or do we still need to be nice?

Even in the midst of being sexually assaulted by her idiot brother, Dolly takes a moment to criticize and condescend to her mother.

"Can I hit Jeffy in the head with this candy cane, or do I need to submit to his sexual will like a proper young lady, which will simultaneously turn me into an impure whore? Well, Mommy? Well?"

Curtis: In celebration of KWANZAA, the cast of Curtis will go on hiatus so that we can bring you, dear reader, this original tale.

I had somehow managed to forget about the annual Curtis Kwanzaa Extravaganza, and now I am perhaps disproportionally excited about it. But excited about it I am!

Here we are introduced to Andrew, who appears to be some sort of unemployed everyman. Despite being unemployed, he still gets up at 6:00 every morning, so that's industrious--no lazy gadflies here. He owns a Basset Hound. He has a giant fucking mouth. And he's about to meet something called a Brengir. I could Google that and see if it's based on anything real, but I don't want to potentially ruin the surprise.

Last year's story ended with a glowing dude, a hippo and a rabbit. I predict this year's story will end with a giant armadillo and a pair of leather pants, but that's just an educated guess.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Family Circus: For PJ

This comic is hilarious and adorable because PJ is an idiot.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Family Circus: Merry Christmas from ALL of us!

It appears that a serial killer who is not Jeffy has sneaked into the Keane house through the chimney and is lying in wait to murder the whole family horribly.

It is a merry Christmas indeed.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Mark Trail: WHAT'S that woman up to?

Women! They just can't handle manly things. Like boats. And water.

Family Circus: Mommy, isn't it time for us to get nestled all snug in our beds?

Here we see Billy being his oddly pretentious self, Jeffy dreaming of mutilated corpses under the tree, and Dolly gleefully awaiting her total world domination. PJ, of course, is pooping.

Funky Winkerbean: Just think, if it wasn't for some woman phoning in an anonymous phony bomb threat...

If it weren't for Lola, Funky Winkerbean's cloying sentimentality and empty spiritualism would be the most revolting thing in the comics section today.

Luann: Merry Christmas.

I wish this were Funky Winkerbean so we could at least take solace in the fact that at least one of these characters was going to get cancer and die.

Lola: Why on EARTH are you naked?!

I think this is supposed to be a Dick in a Box type joke, where the male believes the greatest gift he can give to a woman is his amazing self. But it's not obvious. What is obvious is that this is horrifying.

It's also obvious that Lola's boyfriend does not have a penis. So, new list.

Things you cannot show in the comics section:
  1. A grown man's penis.

Doonesbury: Wildly inappropriate as usual, Dex.

Things you can say or at least directly refer to in the comics section:
  1. S&M
  2. Whore
  3. Anal
Things you can't say in the comics section:

Curtis: I sure hope Daddy can put the gift I left under the tree to good use!

This comic is hilarious because Curtis's father is going to beat Curtis with a belt for getting him a lousy present.

Curtis: Because nothing's funnier than child abuse!

Beetle Bailey: Yiii!!

Here we see Mrs. Halftrack, having earlier stumbled across her husband's large collection of punk fetish adult magazines, attempting to rekindle the romance in her marriage. The general is unimpressed and, as usual, being a huge prick about it.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Pardon My Planet: Aliens. That's a good one.

I can't decide whether this comic is funny or not.

But I'm absolutely sure that it is terrifying.

Family Circus: If Santa doesn't have a Magical-Maria Giggle and Coo Interactive Talking Baby, would another kind be okay?

There are times when I think that Dolly is like that little boy in The Twilight Zone who could turn people into jack-in-the-boxes with her mind.

This is one of those times.

Betty: Wait! Why aren't there any red gumdrops on it?

The ex post facto coloring of daily black-and-white comics really is an artistic disaster. How terrible must it feel to write a solid joke and then have it at least partially ruined by lazy coloring?

Phantom: NO ONE know you're here! You're SAFE now!

"But just in case I'm wrong, here, take this gun."

Lola: But the fire is so delightful.

And so Lola has set her son on fire. Given that Lola is a sociopath and her son is unbearable, this isn't terribly surprising.

Luann: That's sweet, Brad. I'll think of you whenever I put on my undies.

The best part of today's Luann is the thoroughly disgusted look the cashier has on her face.

Herb and Jamaal: Ever since I had that argument with my mother-in-law...

A mother-in-law joke. That's very clever, Herb and Jamaal. Tomorrow you should write about how other women are terrible, too.

Funky Winkerbean: And since my phone was dead, I just took a cab home.

Tom Batiuk's winking so hard today that he may never get his left eyelid to work right again. But I'm not sure what it says about your comic strip when the funniest thing that happens in weeks is a character not dying horribly.

Also, that wasn't a terribly long story.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Prickly City and Get Fuzzy: ...

Maybe I'm getting soft, because I sure am picking a lot of best comics of the day these days, but both of these comics are very funny in a completely different way than today's 9 Chickweed Lane is funny. 9 Chickweed Lane is funny because of its strong dialog. It features no action of interest.

Today's Prickly City and Get Fuzzy, on the other hand, are notable for their limited--or complete lack of--dialog. While the humor in Prickly City is dependent on the dialog, the punchline is image-based.

Get Fuzzy, meanwhile, has been set up by the last couple weeks of Bucky's insane communist Muppet conspiracy theories. Today's strip is Satchel's silent reaction to them. The whole thing is the punchline.

Family Circus: It's good Jesus was born in a stable. When the shepherds came they had a place to park their sheep.

Dolly's coldly utilitarian view of the Christmas story is oddly refreshing.

Rudy Park: See? We don't need a professional writer!

This would all make more sense if Darrin Bell wasn't a professional writer himself. But it's still an improvement over what Rudy Park usually gives us.

The Phanom: I won't be gone long!

Having saved his wife, The Phantom now promptly abandons her on what appears to be the very next day. No doubt to get some more vengeance done. Because that's what really matters right now.

Luann: Mostly. Three out of four.

This comic is hilarious because Toni generally leaves her left labium uncovered.

In all seriousness, this whole story is just so, so unpleasant.

Funky Winkerbean: It's a long story.

Hopefully, it's a long story that ends with Les being a ghost.

Beetle Bailey: You're on the web all day! You live in another world!

This comic is hilarious because the sexually idealized women who star in Internet porn movies are far superior to the sexually idealized women in Gizmo's comic strip world.