Saturday, June 5, 2010

Pluggers: Pluggers know you can't leave footprints in the sands of time sitting down.

I would humbly submit that not all pluggers seem to know this.

Quigmans: Just because I picked you up at the Kennel Club tonight doesn't mean I'm gonna pick up the check.

I make fun of a lot of comic strips here, but for the most part they're all pretty much harmless. This blog is basically like going to war against ice cream sundaes, though the intent isn't really to destroy them so much as to find new ways to enjoy them.

But The Quigmans is just genuinely vile. There are a lot of comics that engage casually in old, sexist tropes, but The Quigmans is outright misogynistic. Just take a look at the cartoon in this post, or this one or this one or this one or this one. And sometimes it's kind of racist, too.

On top of all that, it's more harmless negative attributes are its terrible drawing and writing. For example, in case you were wondering, the joke in today's cartoon--besides the hilariously cruel misogyny, of course--is that the dog-man picked up the bitch-woman in a "kennel club" rather than a regular old human club. Get it? 'Cause they're dogs and shit.

Family Circus: I drew this guy but he's too tall for my paper.

Oh, you like 8.5 x 11 paper? You think that's a pretty convenient paper size? Well, that's tough for you, because Dolly's gonna get rid of that shit entirely. Get ready to start writing your letters on poster board, motherfucker.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Luann: Good.

This comic consists entirely of a couple of characters sitting around talking. And it's really good. The punchline doesn't even have the rhythm of a punchline. It just sounds like a thing TJ would say.

It would probably be creepy to start shipping these two (though Luann has never shied away from shocking inappropriateness before), but I'd absolutely support an overhaul of the comic in which all the other characters are jettisoned, while TJ and Shannon move to Las Vegas together and try to make it on their own in the big city.

Mark Trail: Is Sassy alive?

Here we see Rusty, who had literally worried himself to death and fallen into a state of decay, arise as a horribly disfigured zombie at the news that Sassy may still be among the living. Of course, he's only interested in her brains at this point.

Curtis and Mallard Fillmore: I've got students interviewing for summer internships in flip-flops, with bare midriffs...

These kids today with their [insert activity old people dislike]. [Cue contemptuous and self-righteous chuckling.]

Family Circus: I guess that's why Grandma knows so many things.

Sadly, when you're as dumb as Jeffy, even Grandma Keane seems smart.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Monty: OK! OK! I admit it! I forgot the last four digits of your model number!

I'm sorry. I know I should probably stop being so amused by this storyline. But come on! The vacuum's holding an umbrella! AN UMBRELLA! It's funny!

Mark Trail: I'm looking for a dalmation puppy, she may have been hit by a car...

I am genuinely surprised to learn that Sassy is a dalmatian puppy, and the guy who does the coloring probably was too, assuming the guy who does the coloring actually reads the comic.

La Cucaracha: And now for a disjointed political message...

This should probably be the heading of every installment of La Cucaracha.

Family Circus: I'm a lot better at skatin' when I stay on the grass.

Oh, what's that? You like roads? Well, you better enjoy them while you can, because when Dolly stages her glorious Green Revolution, those fuckers are gone.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Zits: What's on your playlist, Mr. D?

One of the nice things about comic strips is the way your relationship to them changes as you age. Take Zits, for example. Not all that many years ago, I used to relate exclusively to Jeremy. But now, I have at least as much in common with old Papa Zit here. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that, but his series of podcasts on the history of Minoan bull leapers sure does sound interesting.

Mark Trail: I think she knows what your said, SALLY!

Oh my God, Sally appears to be a fat old lady version of Dr. Doolittle. Her long-haired brother's dog meat factory is just going to be that much more shocking now.

Family Circus: Do you know the world is round?

And so Billy's latest parable has apparently been thwarted by Jeffy's idiocy.

This is not surprising.

F Minus: Happy Birthday from your husband and all of us here at

Et tu, F Minus? Even you?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Monty: Oh no ... I was afraid this would happen.

If robot-on-vacuum love ever ceases to amuse, the terrorists will have finally won.

Family Circus: Clean my room? ... But I'm not done getting it dirty.

One of the skills Billy is going to have to master if he ever wants to start a new world religion is that of debating. Unfortunately for him, his entire family is composed of idiots, so he's started to toss off lazy arguments like this. They might work on the easily baffled likes of Thel, of course, but theologians the world around would probably be able to refute them pretty quickly.

BC: Schink.

Oh, Corpse of Johnny Hart, as baffling and then horrifying as this comic is, I'm afraid it's got nothing on Momma. Indeed, on the Mommameter, in which an adorable malapropism about carrots is a 1 and honest-to-goodness suicide in the service of a bad joke is a 10, this couldn't rank any higher than a 6. They are just snakes, after all.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Dilbert: How engineers duel.

Just last week I was arguing with some guy who sent me to an hour-long YouTube video with instructions to watch it and then construct an essay refuting it point by boring point or he would never take me seriously again.

He will never take me seriously again.

Family Circus: I just figured out I'm unemployed.

Here we see Jeffy lamenting the implementation of child labor laws, which--along with libraries--has turned this once great nation into a socialist dystopia and deprived children like himself of ambition and purpose. Indeed, the image is made all the more meaningful by the starkly different paths the two characters involved have taken. Dolly has risen to the challenge of her world's laws by becoming even more ambitious and ruthless than she might otherwise have been, even as Jeffy has devolved into an endless cycle of delusional victimhood and murderous rage.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Beetle Bailey: Always remember that.

And so it turns out that overweight, physically unattractive people can say nice things every once in a while. This is apparently very surprising and hilarious.

Family Circus: Do you like little kids?

I imagine this is what most unsuspecting visitors feel like when they accidentally stumble across my blog.