Shoe: Senator, I thought you were in a 12-step program.

Alcoholism: almost as funny as torture.

Pluggers: Older pluggers remember, "I see London, I see France, I see someone's underpants!" But back then, it was just embarrassing, not the norm.

Oh, burn! Young people who grew up in the 90s now feel shame for their teenage fashion choices.

Boy, I can't wait until 15 years from now, when Pluggers will finally be ready to give the old what for to all the kids walking around today in their skinny jeans.

Marmaduke: Sorry, Marm. Banking reforms have dried up your pre-approved credit card applications.

Between making Marmaduke sad with banking reform and the mail-related conspiracy to destroy Pluggers, I have never loved Barack Obama more.

Mallard Fillmore: US Universities' 2011 New-Year's Resolution

Mallard Fillmore usually spikes its propaganda with jokes that, while generally terrible, somehow make it easier to swallow. But not today! Today we just get pure propaganda.

Hagar the Horrible: Why can't we ever have a conversation at dinner like other couples?!

This comic is hilarious because women nag and men are slobs.

Curtis: Andrew reacted to the Brengir in anger.

Shit just got real in Kwanzaa-Curtisland, my friends.

For those of you who for whatever reason haven't been paying attention, Andrew here was visited by a glow-y mouse that turned out to be a Brengir. The Brengir granted Andrew a single wish. Andrew--apparently a former Miss America contestant--wished for peace on Earth. Shockingly, the wish didn't go as planned, and the Brengir promptly wiped all of humanity from the planet. And now Andrew wants to take it back, but the Brengir is kind of a dick and OH MY GOD IT KILLED ANDREW'S ADORABLE DOG MAKE IT STOP.

Mark Trail: If I could figure out this stupid reel I could cast a lot better!

Fishing rods are just too complex a machine for the simple female mind. Sure, Mark's annoyed by Kelly's feminine incompetence, but what are you going to do, you know?

Herb and Jamaal: Who's this, Mrs. Johnson?

Alzheimer's disease: it's so silly!

Marmaduke: You've been hanging out at the bowling alley again, haven't you?

I've done the math and it would appear that Marmaduke has eaten at least ten unsuspecting bowlers.

Even more impressively, it appears that Brad Anderson Inc. has managed to fit a nagging wife stereotype into a cartoon about a woman and her dog.

The Phantom: Across town...

Oh, look. The Phantom has children. That he's ignoring. Because he's awful.

Hagar the Horrible: I think that was Hagar breaking one of his New Year's Resolutions!

We're left to guess at the specifics here, but it would appear that Hagar has either fallen off the wagon or started beating his wife again.

Needless to say, the comic is hilarious either way.

Family Circus: I'm sorry, your stomach is mistaken. It's not time for a snack.

This cartoon is hilarious because Jeffy is hungry.

Cow and Boy: Don't talk about global warming. People hate that.

"Barney's movie had heart, but Football in the Groin had a football in the groin."

Mallard Fillmore: Barack Obama's Other 2011 New-Year's Resolution.

There must be a tiny subset of Republicans who wake up every morning and jerk off all over that day's Mallard Fillmore. And they must all be CEOs at major newspaper companies.

I can think of no other reason why Mallard Fillmore would continue to get printed.

Family Circus: Gosh--that corner looks really lonely now.

In Dolly's New World Order, we will keep trees in our house all year long.

Crock and Non Sequitur: Why would he like living in jail?

There are two kinds of prison jokes:

1. Prisoners practically have it better than the rest of us!
2. Anal rape!

No, these are not contradictory at all.

*Non Sequitur from 12-31-10

9 Chickweed Lane: ...Oh, Mr. O'Malley.

In the next exciting installment of 9 Chickweed Lane: Anal sex.

Cow and Boy: Happy Anniversary!

I've mentioned before that I really like seeing older incarnations of a comic juxtaposed against the current incarnation. All the better when the cartoonist manages to do it in a funny way.

Adam at Home, Big Nate, Betty, and Candorville: Have you given any thought to a New Year's resolution?

I don't really blame cartoonists for using any particular trope (unless it's an especially egregious circumstance). The sheer number of stories (short though they may be) that cartoonists have to come up with over the course of a year is pretty daunting, after all.

The problem is that it's hard to really say anything particularly new or interesting or funny when you're simply rehashing a set-up that's been used a thousand times over. And that's what's happening here. These are all solid comic strips, but they're basically just going through the motions today.

Crankshaft: I use mine to kill spiders in the basement.

Make all the fruitcake jokes you want, Crankshaft, you'll never be as hacky as The Born Loser.

Family Circus: Now we get to go back and rerun all the months again.

The sad thing is, Billy's really not kidding at all.