Saturday, August 1, 2009

Curtis: I enjoy scripted shows with real actors! Today's fare is a bunch of kids on ugh "reality" or "comptetition" crapola!

This comic is hilarious because it's so completely true that television today consists of nothing but lame reality shows.

Family Circus: How much longer till it gets dark, Mommy?

Jeffy looks a little sad here. And it's because he knows what's going to happen when the sun goes down. While his brothers and sister squeal with glee and stuff their faces with smores by the flickering light of the campfire, Jeffy will be transforming into a werewolf that thirsts for the blood of his family. His only hope is to lock himself in the outhouse, but since he's Jeffy, he also knows he's far too stupid to figure out how to work the lock.*

In short, the Keane family is doomed.

*This, of course, is all a story he has made up in his mind to justify his perverse and violent urges. He is not a werewolf. Rather, he is just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill serial killer. Someday, perhaps he will be able to face the truth. But not tonight. Definitely not tonight.

The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee: Ya know, I really like you. How come I never see you around?

This comic is hilarious because Gill is addicted to porn.

Shoe: That's how long I had to wait in line to buy them.

This joke would make a lot more sense if you actually had to go to the post office to get stamps.

So Cosmo's just a dumbass, basically.*

*I am not surprised by this.

Adam at Home: $10 in tax??? That's an outrage!

In the next exciting installment of Adam at Home: Adam reads his children The Fountainhead, teaching them that going Galt is patriotic and that rape is kind of hot.

Friday, July 31, 2009

La Cucaracha: Lemme see you dance.

Child abuse is hilarious when it happens to a celebrity.

Beetle Bailey and The Born Loser: Bleep Bleep Bleep!

When Beetle Bailey*, The Born Loser and The Family Circus are all using variations on the same joke, it is highly unlikely that the joke is funny or hip, no matter how meta it may be.

*Beetle Bailey comic from 7-30-09. But it has used this joke at least two other times within the last month or so.

Family Circus: I TOOK a bath before we came!

This cartoon is hilarious because Jeffy does not like bathing. I hear this might be true of other small children, but it is yet again only Keane Inc. that has the balls to tell it like it truly is.

Zits: "Girl" is my favorite flavor.

So Jeremy is a cannibalistic serial killer.

I am actually kind of surprised by this.

Ziggy: This is a very routine operation--why don't you climb up on the desk...and we'll get it over with!

This cartoon is hilarious because Ziggy is about to get raped. Again.

Mark Trail: Mark, you look upset...What's going on?

It's impressive that Cherry can tell when Mark's upset, considering that his upset face looks virtually the same as all his other faces.

But you too can attain this skill, female-things! You need only abdicate every personal goal you've ever had and instead focus all of your attention on keeping house, staying attractive for passionless sex in dark rooms, and differentiating between your husband's nearly identical facial expressions as Cherry has done. Only then will you be able to live truly fulfilling lives, women-objects.

Sally Forth: Selma, that's the most you've said since you found that Japanese cat video.

This comic is hilarious because fat people like ice cream.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Family Circus: If anyone gets lost, just follow the first ant you see and I'm sure he'll bring you back here!

If Thel thinks her kids are smart enough to understand that she is joking (outside of Billy, of course, whose smug little smile gives him away), she's going to be sorely disappointed when she finds Dolly, Jeffy and PJ trying to figure out how to fit themselves into an anthill and Billy pointing and laughing at his future apostles.

Dog Eat Doug: Don't be power trippin' on me. I'll turn you into a kite in three seconds flat.

Next time in Dog Eat Doug: The dog eats Doug.

Mark Trail: He can help me track the shooter!

From time to time, even I forget how Mark Trail is capable of such great feats of environmental derring-do. "How could a mere man do these things?" we might ask. "This seems mighty unrealistic," we might protest. "Why is he constantly talking to himself?" we might query.

Fortunately, every once in a while Jack Elrod takes the time to remind readers that Mark is not just a crazy man who constantly recites wooden monologues. No, he is a man with a magic talking forehead. And suddenly the world of Lost Forest is illuminated, and we are no longer confused.

Pearls Before Swine: Hullo. Dis Pressydent of Uniteed State.

Next time on Lou Dobbs Tonight: Is the president a crocodile? If not, why won't he provide proof to refute claims that he was born in a swamp in the Everglades? Also, illegal immigrants. Don't they suck?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Luann: Don't you think that outfit's a bit demeaning?

Greg Evans has hit upon the brilliant strategy of attempting to hide the exploitation of his female creations behind commentaries on the exploitation of females in popular entertainment. You see, the superhero in the second panel represents characters like Xena who are marketed as feminist heroes, but are actually mostly sex symbols. Luann represents all the young girls who look up to and emulate those characters. Bernice represents those militant feminists who don't shave their armpits. And the Zs on Luann's tits represent LOOK AT LUANN'S TITS!!!!!

Candorville: What?

Candorville is probably the best political strip around this side of Doonesbury. And it's because of really solid character work like this.

Of course, Doonesbury has built up an entire world, while Candorville has about three good characters to work with. But that means it has about three more good characters than do all of the other political comics combined.

Prickly City: Why can't secularists talk to people of faith without sinking to name calling?

The best thing about Prickly City is the way it's not hypocritical at all.

Pickles: I used to be good at jump rope.

This comic is hilarious because Opal is old and fat and can't do anything anymore and should probably just do the decent thing and go off to quietly die somewhere.

Family Circus: I'll take that. It's our first-aid equipment!

So Bill appears to be wearing a diaper.

Considering the intensity of his immaturity, I am not surprised by this.

Beetle Bailey: I should have known what you would put in a small box.

So Killer apparently has an eyepatch fetish.

I am not surprised by this.

Wizard of Id: SMAK!

This cartoon is hilarious because it turns out that Rodney almost certainly is fucking his horse.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Family Circus: Which is this, Daddy--a woods, a forest or a jungle?

Yet another pearl of wisdom dropped from the mouth of one Billy Keane. Though these words are often used as synonyms, they each have specific, slightly differentiated definitions. They, like people, are different, but the same.

The cartoon is hilarious, meanwhile, because there's no way in hell the rest of Billy's idiot family understands his point, and this scene was no doubt followed by Thel turning around and slapping him across the face.

The Grizzwells: The one on the right is Spanky.

I can't be sure, obviously, but I'm guessing the first draft of this comic strip was much less family friendly.

Luann: Well?

All the fine folks who stumble upon this blog while searching for Luann porn should be thrilled with this post.

Blondie: Listen, guys, for the record, I know that it's been exactly 10 days since I've been on time.

This comic is hilarious because Dagwood is a wildly inconsiderate douchebag.

Mark Trail: I doubt that they wanted to kill him...he wouldn't be any good to them dead!

I'm sure he's right, because the outcomes in Lost Forest are just ever so slightly rigged in his favor, but I'm curious as to how Mark can be so certain that the shooter didn't want to kill CEO lady's brother. Wouldn't killing the doofus prevent him from telling anybody about the details of their illegal activities?

As to Mark's claim that "the shooter could very easily have killed him if he wanted to," this seems unlikely and overly modest. After all, Mark was standing right there. The shooter may have managed to get one shot by him, but there was no way he was going to get another one off without Mark catching the bullet in his hand and throwing it back at the shooter with such force and accuracy that the shooter would stand no chance of surviving.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Family Circus: Daddy, are you lost or are we going for a ride?

This cartoon is hilarious because Dolly is emasculating her father.

Ziggy: Oh, boy--talk about shooting fish in a barrel!

Mired in a time of year during which most comics have abandoned the taxation humor--on the mere account of it no longer being at all relevant, since nobody does their taxes in July--only Ziggy bravely marches on.

Blondie: Dad sure puts his nose to the grindstone for us!

This comic is hilarious because Dagwood is neglecting his family.

The Flying McCoys: Stand back, son. I think Rex has rabbis.

This cartoon is hilarious because the man is antisemitic, and he's going to teach his son to be antisemitic, too.

Pearls Before Swine: Oh, great. So this guy's got nothing better to do??!

It would appear that Pastis is on to this whole comics blogging thing.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Family Circus: ...

This comic is hilarious because Dolly and Jeffy, giving in to their savage natural instincts, have turned on Billy and now wish to kill their would-be prophet. Only PJ remains loyal. Whether Billy can regain his siblings' trust will play a huge role in determining his effectiveness as future leader of the new world religion.

Wizard of Id: Rodney is MY MAN! And don't you forget it!

This comic is hilarious because Gwen is worried that Rodney wants to fuck his horse.

Family Tree: MO-OM! This is IM-POR-TANT!

The actual punchline in this comic is pretty bad. But the combination of the drawing and Twig's well-emphasized dialog more than makes up for it.

Beetle Bailey: What's going on in here?

This comic is hilarious because it could very easily have been a daily three-panel strip, but has been stretched into a Sunday strip for no good reason other than laziness.