Saturday, November 7, 2009

Betty: Think of them as kind of a sorbet.

Look. Having a boot fetish is one thing. Having a Croc fetish is just sick.

Bloom County: Okay! So maybe I'm not that frequently blessed with female attention! Maybe I don't have the raw sexual magnetism of a David Letterman..

This comic strip is probably actually funnier now than it was 25 years ago.

Hagar the Horrible: But she's only visiting for a short time...

Mother-in-law ha ha ha.

Luann: Yeah, and the Brad is yummy.

This comic is hilarious because holding a breadstick makes Toni fantasize about holding Brad's penis.

Agnes: The title of my new paranormal romance novel is "I Wish You Weren't Flesh."

We Will Kiss After You Are Dead actually seems like a pretty great title for a paranormal romance novel. Moreover, Trout seems to be drastically overrating the quality of the romance novel market. I think Agnes is right that her manuscript has hit potential, and I could easily see it being adapted into a television series, potentially starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Family Circus: Mommy, is it OK to pet a goldfish?

This cartoon is hilarious because Jeffy is attempting to kill Dolly's goldfish.


So you think the drink you're holding is a beer. But when you go to take a drink, you discover that it's actually water. You:
a. swallow it, because it's just water, and it's not like it's bitter or disgusting or anything, or
b. spit it all over the place.
If you said b, congratulations. You are a character in comic strip.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Betty: What do you think?

This comic is hilarious because Bub's desire to have sex with a woman in thigh-high, leather, stiletto boots has been overcome by his irrational concern that having sex with a woman that is taller than him will make him less of a man.

Family Circus: I'm going north 'til I find ice.

Billy, making yet one more bid to escape.

The Quigmans: This is one of the best dates I've ever had ... probably because you have no mouth.

This cartoon is hilarious because women are annoying when they talk.

The Phantom: This wasn't supposed to happen to us!

"Hmm, what should I wear to my wedding? A tux? A nice suit and tie? Maybe we should just go casual? Or--wait! I've got it! My skin-tight purple unitard! Perfect!"

Dennis the Menace: I remember when we came to the library to look for books.

This cartoon is hilarious because libraries are just too newfangled these days, what with their computers and their VCRs and their big rooms where people talk about stuff.

My Cage: My friend Brian just wrote me on Facebook. He lost his job and now can't pay his mortgage.

Brian should buck up. I hear there are exciting opportunities in the gator poaching field, specifically for people who are having trouble paying their mortgages.

Marmaduke: Know any other shortcuts?

Every once in a while, there'll be a Marmaduke so bizarre and unexpected that I can't help but laugh. And Marmaduke and Phil on top of a speeding train definitely counts as bizarre and unexpected.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Family Circus: I think Jeffy did it. That face looks like the kind he draws.

This cartoon is hilarious because Dolly continues to be a sociopath.

Lola: Horse prison is going to be especially tough on you.

Because the only thing funnier than prison rape is prison rape involving horses.

Marmaduke: It's our new "No Strays Left Behind" program.

This cartoon is hilarious because it shows that the main legacy of George Bush's education policy is that it's still providing fodder for hack cartoonists who think they're being topical.

Betty: I like these boots.

This comic is hilarious because Bub is attempting to convince Betty to buy thigh-high, leather, stiletto boots so as to fulfill his as yet undisclosed sexual fetish.

BC: Spent all day chasin' a doe--just to come up with nothin'!

This BC is very clever indeed, what with the way it connects hunting to picking up women, thus suggesting that
  1. Thor's spear is analogous to a penis and
  2. A woman is analogous to an animal you hunt down, kill and eat, and whose head you remove, stuff and hang on your wall as a eternal testament to your masculinity.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Family Circus: You're lucky! You never have to 'member where you left YOUR shoes!

This cartoon is hilarious because, as his pitying expression indicates, even Barfy knows that Jeffy is a fucking idiot.

Born Loser: Kinda like Grandma, huh?

This comic is hilarious because women are bad drivers.

Crankshaft: They've all got their own ox to grind.

It appears that Crankshaft is attempting to get into the adorable malapropism business.

There's no way this can end well.

Marmaduke: No trading Halloween treats without asking.

Marmaduke is basically living on borrowed time at this point.

Mark Trail: Don't get squeamish on us, Bob ... We're here to get gator hides to pay our mortgages. And that dog will help us do that!

Hmm. I'm just not sure I understand these poachers' motivation. I wish Jack Elrod would spell it out just a little more clearly.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Family Circus: Why didn't they have her booked for illegal entry?

Billy is much better at literary interpretation than Dolly.

Prickly City: Well yeah, Carmen. They're just criminals. You're a conservative.

This comic is hilarious because Scott Stantis just can't understand why football players--the vast majority of whom, by the way, are thugs and criminals (and black, of course, though that hardly needs to be said, now does it?)--dislike conservatives.

Ziggy: ...These cell phone companies are really getting competetive...

Here we see Ziggy once again championing the incredible virtues of The Free MarketTM.

I was mostly kidding when I claimed that Ziggy was a disciple of Ayn Rand, but the more I learn about him, the more sense it seems to make.

Mark Trail: HOW do you know that, Bob?

Bob: "Um, because of the collar with the tags on it?"

Monday, November 2, 2009

Family Circus: While we're puttin' this Halloween stuff away, we might as well get out the CHRISTMAS decorations.

This cartoon is hilarious because Thel hates things that make her children happy.

Marmaduke: I didn't know so many people handed out doggie treats.

This cartoon is hilarious because while Phil has accepted Marmaduke's demonic nature, Dottie apparently still feels the need to construct little fictions about the spoils of Marmaduke's violence.

Non Sequitur: Kyle begins to buy into the notion that Heaven and Hell are actually the same place...

Friend of the blog Alex tweets:
If you could tell me what today's Non Sequitur about Heaven and Hell means, I'd be grateful.
And since this is not a Sunday strip, I'm happy to oblige. What it means is that Wiley hates teh internets. It has nothing to do with Heaven or Hell at all! They're just clever metaphors for how much Wiley hates teh internets.

See, these people are all in this cafe--this no wi-fi cafe! There's no internets here at this cafe. So these old dudes are doing old dude things, like playing checkers and reading the newspaper. The TV's not even plugged in so as to ensure that no internets sneak through that screen either. These old dudes are in "Heaven."

But then there's Kyle, with his laptop and nose jewelry, unable to connect to teh internets. He is in "Hell."

It would be like if there were two people reading this Non Sequitur comic, and one of them was me and one of them was some person who likes it. I would be in "Hell," while the other person would be in "Heaven." Of course, that other person doesn't actually exist. He's a just a metaphor for how much I hate this comic.

Baby Blues and Cathy: Do I look different? 'Cuz I think my life just peaked.

This comic is hilarious because Zoe is going to grow up to be Cathy.

And these comics are both hilarious because women measure their self-worth by their footwear.

In the Bleachers: What a fluke!

This cartoon is hilarious because the fat guy in the red shorts is going to shit out a volleyball.

No, really.

Pearls Before Swine: This is not "Twitter."

Et tu, Pastis? Et tu?

Beetle Bailey: Bailout!

This comic is hilarious because the topnotch talent at Mort Walker Inc. has randomly inserted the words "recession," "foreclose," "depression" and "bailout" into the dialog.

Pluggers: The USPS branch where the "Pluggers" mail box is located will remain open. You may resume sending "snail mail."

And so the Obama administration's bid to destroy Pluggers has apparently failed.

I'm just going to go ahead and blame Joe Lieberman for this one.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Ziggy: Expiration Valley

This cartoon is hilarious because Ziggy is finally going to kill himself.

Pearls Before Swine: You been reading your strips lately?

I've not been a huge fan of Pearls' recent descent into Lewis Carroll-inspired surrealism, but anything that ends with Jeffy Keane getting eaten by giant caterpillar thing can't be all bad.

Family Circus: After breakfast!

This cartoon is hilarious because the Keane children are gluttonous monsters who have been eating candy and beating their mangy dog all night.

Cul de Sac: Sad!

Cul de Sac is highly derivative of Peanuts.

This is not a bad thing.

But it's one thing to just be derivative of Peanuts. It's another thing to recreate its mood while building a world filled with interesting characters of your own. And that's what Richard Thompson has done.

This strip in particular is both very funny and kind of terrifying, both because of the general situation and because of the specificity of the characters' behavior. It basically does for charades what Freaks and Geeks did for dodgeball. And Alice's guess *was* at the very least a lot closer than "cheese monkey."

Zits: Hi Jeremy! Like my new jeans?

This comic is hilarious because Jeremy's erection is so enormous that it has caused his van to tip over.

BC: Rats. A defect.

I liked this comic strip better when it was a Friz Freleng cartoon.*

*BC apparently steals all its jokes from Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies now.

Pickles: I keep telling you, if you want my attention, say it with brownies.

This comic is hilarious because the only thing women are good for is cooking food for men.

Drabble: I'm not stealing it, Penny. I'm saving you from it!

This comic is hilarious because Ralph literally steals candy from babies.