Better Half: I caught a snowflake on my tongue and it tasted like a tropical cocktail.

After a long break, Better Half has returned to its always cogent global warming commentary.

Better Half: I remember when "blog" was a sound my stomach made after dinner.

I like to imagine that the fat guy with the big nose is reading my blog right now and dying a little on the inside.

Better Half: If I Google myself and nothing shows up, does that mean I don't exist?

No. The answer to this question is "No."

Better Half: I automatically prescribe antidepressants to anyone who's been married as long as you have.

This cartoon is hilarious because marriage makes people depressed and drives them to suicide.

Better Half: Lost your patience? Look in your purse. You keep everything else in there!

Women and their big purses! Ha!

Oh, Better Half, you're so clever and original.

Better Half: I think I need an oil change.

And so the fat guy with the big nose is apparently an insane person who believes himself to be an automobile.

Whatever.

Better Half: There's a Twitter in my alphabet cereal.

This cartoon is hilarious because Glasbergen* clearly has no idea what "a Twitter" is.

*No, I will not look up his full name, as that would require more effort than he put in to the making of this cartoon.**


**Which makes no goddamn sense, by the way.***

***Also, this.

Better Half: I finally figured out what I.M. means. It means I.M. too old to chat this way!

This cartoon is hilarious because "I.M." sounds a lot like "I am."

Better Half: Do you think I'm getting hotter as I age ... or is it just global warming?

Global warming jokes: they never get old! Really!*

*No, not really.

Better Half: It's an old TV show where Fred MacMurray is raising a trio of dysfunctional boys. It's called "My Three Stooges."

This cartoon is hilarious because the guy with the big nose is confused and has conflated My Three Sons with The Three Stooges.

It is also hilarious because the woman with the big nose has never heard of either My Three Sons or The Three Stooges and needs the very complicated premise explained to her.

Better Half: If cold air came in an aerosol can, would it cause global warming?

This cartoon is hilarious because cold air does come in an aerosol can, and it does contribute to global warming.

Better Half: Spray some deodorant, drive your car, burn some coal, cut down a tree ... If it causes global warming, go for it!

This cartoon is hilarious because the bird doesn't understand how global warming works, either.

Better Half: The government is offering Santa a bailout if he'll trade his sleigh for a hybrid and start hiring more tall people.

Oh, those wacky "liberals" with their goofy "preventing economic collapse" and silly "caring about the environment" and bizarre emphasis on "nondiscrimination." Ha ha ha.

Better Half: I guess I believe in global warming after all. I burned my tongue catching a snowflake!

This cartoon is hilarious because the guy with the big nose continues to not understand how global warming works, but at least he believes in it now, so yay?

Better Half: If global warming can melt a million-ton glacier, why can't it melt two inches of snow off our front sidewalk?

This cartoon is hilarious because the guy with the big nose doesn't understand how global warming works.