Saturday, September 19, 2009

Momma: Please your son with something nice from our store!

This comic would be hilarious enough if it were just about a loving mother buying her son some quality time with a prostitute. But because of all the effort Mell Lazarus has put into fleshing out these characters, we know that this comic is even more hilarious than that, as it is actually about a loving mother buying some time with a prostitute so that she can engage in an incestuous ménage à trois with her son, who has up until now been reluctant to accept her many sexual advances.

And that is why characterization is so important.

Shoe: and then ... our eyes met across a smoky room.

This Shoe makes an excellent point. Hack writers having access to lame clichés is absolutely more important than people not dying of cancer.

Ziggy: If you can read this--you're hopelessly lost!

This cartoon is hilarious and heart-warming because Ziggy is going to die of exposure and wild animals are going eat his rotting flesh.

Pluggers: If the ring tone on your cell phone is accordian music, you're a plugger.

It is now apparently perfectly acceptable for a plugger to own a cell phone and understand it enough to change its ring tone. This is surprising given pluggers' previous aversion to such advanced technology as DSL and disposable razors and wheels. While I suppose this acceptance of gadgetry was inevitable--given that for every old plugger that dies, a younger person will have to join the ranks to maintain the strict 80% of the population quota--it is nonetheless sad to see the plugger name watered down in such a way.

I am also surprised to learn that 80% of the population enjoys accordian music. But nobody has his finger on the pulse of the populus like Gary Brookins, so I'm sure it's an accurate estimation.

Family Circus: If you put 42¢ on it 'stead of 44¢, how far will the mailman take it?

This cartoon is hilarious because Dolly does not understand how postage works.

Garfield: There isn't a security camera there, is there?

This comic is hilarious because Garfield murders young children.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Bloom County: How ya doin', Blobbo?

There's so much funny in this Bloom County rerun that I hardly know where to begin. But let's run it down:
  1. Opus in prison garb.
  2. "How ya doin', Blobbo?"
  3. "A drug crazed 'Hell's Angel' ate my mattress."
  4. "The homosexual gang war in the weight room."
  5. All of the dialog, really.
  6. The tension slowly building in the first three panels.
  7. The tonal shift in the final panel when Opus finally snaps.
  8. The sign declaring that there is to be no kissing.
There's still a lot of Bloom County that I haven't read. I should endeavor to correct that.

Family Circus: If anyone's looking for me, I'll be in the backyard explorin'.

And by "explorin'" Jeffy of course means "digging up the mutilated corpses of past victims to play with."

Marmaduke: Naw, he's not sleeping. He's storing up solar energy.

This cartoon is hilarious because Marmaduke lacks both genitalia and an anus.*

*Even Jeffy has an anus!

The Fusco Brothers: Permission to undress the witness with my eyes, your honor.

Oh, sexual harassment, when will you cease to amuse?

Mark Trail: He may be a wildlife man, and I don't want to go to jail!

The prospect of Mark Trail getting eaten by an alligator makes me immensely happy.

Alas, I know that Mark Trail will never actually get eaten by an alligator. And this makes me immensely sad.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Family Circus: Grandma says the future just isn't like it used to be.

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy has just realized that Grandma Keane, like Jeffy, is a fucking idiot.

BC: Do limericks count as poetry?

Considering the ant-lady teaches at a "skool," it's not really surprising that she doesn't know that limericks do, in fact, count as poetry.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Family Circus: Shouldn't we give these back to the chickens so they can recycle them?

Jeffy's ignorance of chicken reproduction appears to have thrown Thel into an uncontrollable fury. The scar on Jeffy's cheek from the hot, greasy spatula will prove a constant reminder that eggs are not, in fact, recyclable.

Off the Mark and In the Bleachers: I just don't know if I can get used to a Dustbuster!

These cartoons annoy me for slightly different reasons.

Off the Mark annoys me because, while its premise--the proliferation of green technology among witches--has potential, it falls apart in the follow-through when it ceases to make any sense. A broom would be greener than a Dustbuster, after all.

Meanwhile, In the Bleachers annoys me because it seems to have betrayed the entire concept of the cartoon. Unless being a knight has randomly become a sport, that is.

Rudy Park: I've got to capatalize on America's fascination with vampires.

This Rudy Park is noteworthy for being somewhat amusing. It's never done that before.

I also have to give it credit for tackling what is perhaps the most important and perplexing issue of our time: Vampires--what the fuck?

Lola: We all know where the ball is going.

I'm unsure whether to praise Lola for defying gender stereotypes or to be annoyed that even a comic about an old lady includes lame golf jokes.

Get Fuzzy and Off the Mark: Harold! What did you do in my zen garden?!

Two comics about cats pooping in two days. That's pretty impressive, comics section, but if you really aim to awe, you've got to go for the trifecta.

It does need to be said, though, that "Bucky craps in Satchel's sandbox" sums up their relationship pretty well.

*Off the Mark from 9-15-09.

Flying McCoys: You missed a great chili dinner at the club, Henson. Oh, by the way, the hot tub is broken.

This cartoon is hilarious because it's about people farting in water.

Adam@Home: Proof you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover.

When you've spent half a week singing the praises of Twilight, you really don't have the right to mock any book, even Paris Hilton's.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Family Circus: But the ceiling's clean!

This is not Billy's best argument, but Thel appears to be flummoxed nonetheless.

Girls and Sports: Bradley, how come you like playing golf?

Gender stereotypes! They never get old!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Born Loser: I'm waiting for cash for clunker husbands!

This comic is hilarious because she wants to sell her husband for money.

Family Circus: When the cold weather gets here, this will be one of the good ol' days.

Of course, Dolly said this before she noticed the disemboweled corpse in the middle of the room.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Close to Home: OK. Now open your oven door, please.

This cartoon is hilarious because the woman apparently ordered a 72 inch pizza.

Peanuts: You didn't mention jump ropes...

Sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that Peanuts really does deserve every nice thing anybody ever said about it.

Family Circus: Can Larry come over here to play this morning?

Billy appears to be the only Keane child capable of making friends. This is not surprising, of course, given the horror that is the Keane household. But it does speak to his personal charisma. He's going to have one hell of a cult someday.

Mother Goose and Grimm: There was no tern left unstoned.

This pun deserves props. In general, Mike Peters makes pretty good use of the much maligned play on words, and is probably second only to Stephan Pastis as the pun master of the comics section.