Mallard Fillmore: US Universities' 2011 New-Year's Resolution

Mallard Fillmore usually spikes its propaganda with jokes that, while generally terrible, somehow make it easier to swallow. But not today! Today we just get pure propaganda.

Mallard Fillmore: Barack Obama's Other 2011 New-Year's Resolution.

There must be a tiny subset of Republicans who wake up every morning and jerk off all over that day's Mallard Fillmore. And they must all be CEOs at major newspaper companies.

I can think of no other reason why Mallard Fillmore would continue to get printed.

Mallard Fillmore: Who needs something that completely ignores you while expecting to be fed?

Oh, Mallard Fillmore, it's a good thing you're an adorable duck, or you're hatred of women would be really offensive.

Curtis and Mallard Fillmore: I've got students interviewing for summer internships in flip-flops, with bare midriffs...

These kids today with their [insert activity old people dislike]. [Cue contemptuous and self-righteous chuckling.]

Mallard Fillmore: I'm thinking it's about time the "others" got their fair share of the ol' identity politics pie...

Some might say that this is a pathetic example of nonsensical conservative propaganda. But I'm pretty sure it's actually an attempt to extract equal rights for the oppressed duck minority. "Duck" isn't even on the census!

Mallard Fillmore: Little did I know that that would be the HIGHLIGHT of my PRESIDENCY...

Probably not the best timing on this one, Mallard.

Mallard Fillmore:: ...not to mention job offers from six Ivy League colleges and MSNBC...

This comic is hilarious because liberals hate America.*

*It never gets old!

Mallard Fillmore: I'm burning Al Gore's books because I'm FREEZING...

Every time a bird gets cold, global warming gets more and more debunked.

True story.

Mallard Fillmore: I don't know what circles Jimmy and Harry hang out in...

This cartoon is hilarious because liberals are the real racists, while people/ducks like Mallard are, like, totally color blind and shit.

Mallard Fillmore: Dear Larry, Thanks for the heads-up, but I checked with snopes.com...

The brilliance of Mallard Fillmore is that it's basically a combination of lame chain email jokes, crazy right-wing chain email paranoia, and pictures of a duck that talks. It's not hard to see why it's so popular.

Mallard Fillmore: Dear Larry, Thank you for forwarding yet another forwarded e-mail joke to me.

Here we see Mallard Fillmore striking out at its main competition.

Mallard Fillmore: ...By liberals on television, who oppose "profiling" to fight terrorism.

This comic is hilarious because if you put quotation marks around the word "profiling," then you're not actually being racist when you argue that the government should systematically single out individuals of certain races and subject them to indignities people of other races don't have to suffer.

Mallard Fillmore: If President Bush had said this, you'd still be hearing about it. At the impeachment hearings.

Ha ha! Because it's the Democrats who impeach presidents for saying stupid things.

Mallard Fillmore: ...In which the males trade "diamonds" and "Lexuses" to the females ... for small bottles of "aftershave lotion."

Ah, Mallard Fillmore. The only comic in the comics section brave enough to mix lamentations over the War on Christmas^TM with blatant and hilarious misogyny.

Mallard Fillmore: ...An armed gunman with ties to a radical Muslim cleric has just attacked a shopping mall...

On the other hand, La Cucaracha doesn't usually make me recoil in abject horror like today's Mallard Fillmore just did. But that's probably just because I'm a squishy liberal who opposes, um, killing Muslims with my bare hands or something?

Mallard Fillmore: Reading or repeating the contents of this cartoon may land you on the President's Enemies List.

Actually, anyone who reads Mallard Fillmore with the intention of deriving enjoyment from it really does belong on some sort of Enemies List.

Mallard Fillmore: But what if I'm misunderstood?

How can the guy who writes Mallard Fillmore be entirely certain that liberals exist when he's so clearly never actually met one of them? Or is this bald guy one of those mythical beast things meant to unite a people on the verge of self-annihilation, like the giant space squid in Watchmen?