Saturday, November 14, 2009

Pluggers: Only a plugger would buy a 24-horsepower mower to cut a 20-by-40-foot lawn.

This cartoon is hilarious because pluggers are lazy (except when they're hard-working) and mow their lawns (except when they don't) and hate the environment (except when they're trying to save it) and like modern technology (except when they hate it).

Family Circus: Mommy needs me to sit next to her so she knows what's happenin' in the game.

Here we see Thel Keane looking around at all the happy couples, wondering just when and where it was that her life went so horribly, horribly wrong.

Get Fuzzy: Robert, you let a ferret give you a fake award with a camera in it and what's next? A man marrying a horse, that's what.

This is probably the finest parody of the slippery slope argument ever.

Luann: That was fun! I got so much out of that!

This comic is hilarious because Tiffany is going to have sex with 26 one-legged soldiers.

Crankshaft: Is it fun?

Because nobody knows more about having fun than Crankshaft.

Mark Trail: She's ALIVE!

Seriously, though, placing yourself in Sassy's position, you've got to ask yourself which is really more terrifying. In one scenario, you've got a very stupid, giant-headed, cold-blooded reptile beast that constantly looks as though it could devour you at any moment. And in the other, you've got an alligator.

To be sure, neither is a great option, but at least once you get away from the gator, you're done with it. Rusty, on the other hand, will mindlessly follow after you to the ends of the earth. The gator is also probably mortal, whereas Rusty is almost certainly some sort of zombie, seeing as he would be dead many times over by now if he could actually be killed.

All things considered, Sassy should take her chances with the gator. Even if she gets eaten, it will still be better than living in Lost Forest.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Luann: Tiffany sure is cheering up the soldiers.

And so the moral we can take from this week of Luann is that if you are a sixteen-year-old sexpot, you can cheer up wounded soldiers. If you are any other kind of person, you should not even bother trying.

Family Circus: PJ did it. I only made a suggestion.

Ziggy would like you to believe that he is the most put-upon, pitiable character in the comics section. But Ziggy's a fake, his image created to promote a reactionary, anti-tax, Ayn Rand-inspired agenda.

No, the honor of most pitiable character in the comics section easily goes to PJ Keane.

Girls and Sports: What am I, chopped liver?

This comic is hilarious because Bradley has:
  1. the legs of a woman and
  2. magical shrinking feet.

Dennis the Menace: Let me guess. You guys are goin' out, and I'm stuck here with a sitter, right?

This cartoon is hilarious because Dennis' parents are going out, and he's going to stay home with a sitter.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Luann: Bring it on, soldier.

This comic is hilarious because the one-legged soldier is hitting on the underage girl.

Family Circus: Won't be long 'til the snow flies.

And so Billy apparently believes that snowstorms are apocalyptic events during which millions of insects descend upon the earth.

He is going to make a terrific cult leader.

Flying McCoys: In hindsight, maybe I should have went with the wide-screen TV.

This cartoon is hilarious because the old guy has attempted to combine the present perfect tense with the simple past tense.

Also, there's a skinny television.

9 Chickweed Lane: ...

This comic is hilarious because Edda is fucking her cat with a musical instrument.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Family Circus: Mommy! If you need us, we're in the closet watchin' Daddy's new phone glow in the dark.

There are times when The Family Circus seems to slip into self-parody.

This is one of those times.

Hi and Lois: Well, you could at least PRETEND to be interested.

Trixie's delusional relationship with her rubber ducky just got oddly marital and disturbing.

9 Chickweed Lane: What did we just engage in?

This comic is hilarious because Amos and Edda are fucking each other with musical instruments.

Cathy: Combat boot: Pricless

Because nothing says "Thanks for protecting the American way" like a celebration of rampant consumerism.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Family Circus: He's mad because nothin' good rhymes with Jeffy.

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy has convinced Jeffy to measure his self-worth by how many words rhyme with his name. Dolly is smirking at the cruelty, but she's also kind of disappointed she didn't think of it first.

Pluggers: You're a plugger if your 24-hour deodorant takes the afternoon off.

This cartoon is hilarious because pluggers smell bad.

The Phantom: But the deep woods is our home!

"But what if the city-dwellers won't let us wear these uncomfortably revealing loincloths that allow us to show off our bizarrely over-muscled child bodies? What then?"

Luann: Tiff? When a soldier sees a gorgeous girl, he cheers up.

This comic is hilarious because Tiffany is excited at the prospect of helping wounded soldiers masturbate.

La Cucaracha: I'm Mel Gregvin, and I'm the strips new manager. We're gonna fix up this dump of a comic right quick.

Considering that it would be virtually impossible to make La Cucaracha any worse, there's a distinct possibility that a real Mel Gregvin could actually marginally improve the strip. Gregvin isn't real, of course, being instead a cheap caricature of what Lalo Alcaraz imagines a Nebraskan to be, so La Cucaracha will continue to suck just as much as it always has.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Luann: Yeah, what could we possibly give the soldiers?

This comic is hilarious because Luann and her friends are going to lift the spirits of wounded soldiers by allowing them to masturbate to their sexy, underage bodies.

Lola: Oh, Ray, it was the worst thing imaginable.

This comic is hilarious because Lola has ruined her family's lives.

Pluggers: You're a plugger if you get five o'clock shadow on the top of your ears.

Because pluggers ... are ... dogs?

Family Circus: The trees would stay warmer if they held on to their leaves in winter.

This cartoon is hilarious because Dolly is anthropomorphizing trees.

9 Chickweed Lane: Is my presence that formidable?

And so Edda is, in actuality, a hideous monster.

This is not surprising.

Curtis: Are you familiar with the Dennis Quaid movie "The Day After Tomorrow"?

If Curtis included more random references to Dennis Quaid, it would be a far better comic strip.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Family Circus: Daddy taught me how to shovel the cards.

Keane Kards is just like Calvinball, only horrific instead of fun.

Blondie: Geesh! Another dip on a cell phone!

This comic is hilarious because Dagwood is both a hypocrite and an asshat.