Saturday, April 3, 2010

Family Circus: For the last time, get in here right now or I'm going to start dyeing without you!

And so it was, ironically enough, a mundane and innocent threat that finally brought the leader of the notorious Keane Kult to justice.*

*Ha ha! Belated April Fools'! In reality, the neighbors are all too terrified to report any of the bizarre behavior exhibited by the members of that circus-like family down the road.

Peanuts: How can we lose when we're so sincere?

This is old and overlinked, but it's baseball season now and it's always good to be reminded of brilliant things, so go (re)read this statistical analysis of Charlie Brown's baseball team. Despite their sincerity, they are not very good.

Crankshaft: I need some quality time with the Reader's Digest.

Is there any situation more horrible than Crankshaft knocking at your door, angrily demanding a place to poop?

If so, I don't want to know about it.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Family Circus: You're the oldest, so that make you responsible.

And so Dolly has already mastered the fine art of scapegoating.

She will make an excellent tyrant.

Blondie: If only it were rabbit season.

This comic is hilarious because Mr. Dithers would like to shoot and kill his employee, but feels constrained by a particular law that has no actual bearing on the situation.

Non Sequitur: OMG! Like the end is totally near :(

Ha ha! The existence of acronyms and emoticons is definitely a good reason to wish for the wanton destruction of all human life! Good point, Wiley!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Hi and Lois: I finally got the playroom picked up.

Continuing the thread of existential angst from a couple days ago, here we see what Hi and Lois would have looked like if Albert Camus had decided to go to work for Mort Walker Inc. instead of dying in a car accident.

9 Chickweed Lane: ...

These last few 9 Chickweed Lane comics would probably be more emotionally resonant without the bizarre hand-fucking.

Family Circus: NO WAY! I'm not gonna fall for that. You can't April Fool me.

Dolly is vastly overestimating her idiot brother's intelligence here. She ought to know better. Given his embarrassingly limited mental capacity, there's simply no way Jeffy could formulate a plot as complex as putting a caterpillar on his sister's shoulder.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Hagar the Horrible: Give me ALL your jellybeans!!

Because what better way to celebrate the resurrection of Christ than by raping and pillaging the countryside?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Garfield: BOOT!

Whenever Garfield begins to feel the weight of his monotonous existence, on the other hand, he just partakes of a little sadism, and all is right with the world.

Hi and Lois: Everything has a cost.

On its face, today's Hi and Lois might seem absurd. But, in fact, it's quite astute. All of the problems facing the country today really can be traced back to the public library, which was the first in a long line of progressive movements designed to lead the United States of America into socialist bondage. Yes, I know it's hard to remember now, but there really was once a time when people were free in this country, back before Obama and civil rights and medicare and social security and feminism and the abolition of slavery and libraries.

Like all of those other programs, and as this comic so beautifully depicts, the purpose of the public library* is to destroy the free market, thus putting every company out of business, thus rendering everybody unemployed, thus forcing people to become dependent on the state, thus providing justification to grow the state even more and impose even more crippling taxes, thus forcing even more dependency, thus making people lazy, thus destroying people's souls, thus destroying religion, thus killing God, thus leading us all into the terrible, gaping maw of destruction, which is, of course, precisely the situation we face today.

*One of the first of which was instituted by that notorious communist, Benjamin Franklin.

Family Circus: Is PJ's nose old enough to like perfume yet?

Yes, Dolly is attempting to control PJ's nose now. She is pathological.

Dennis the Menace: I was breakin' in my new Sunday shoes.

When I first saw this cartoon, I was all set to mock Hank Ketcham Inc. for making a pop culture reference 25 years too late. But then I realized that someone out there has, for reasons nobody seems to understand, been in the process of remaking Footloose, and someday it might even get released. And so then I was worried that Hank Ketcham Inc. might actually be more on top of things than I am. But then I realized that Hank Ketcham Inc. has probably still never heard of the original Footloose and was instead almost certainly referring to actual, honest to God church shoes without any intention of conjuring up images of Kevin Bacon dancing at all. Which is probably the funniest thing of all.

Crock: O wise sage, what is the true meaning of life?

Speaking of cruel, eternal hells, oh look, it's Crock.

This comic is hilarious because Figowitz's life is pointless and miserable, and the sweet release of death that he no doubt longs for will never, ever come.

Beetle Bailey: I wish he'd hurry and find me, it stinks in here!

This comic is hilarious because Beetle is trapped by the rituals of his life, destined to forever spend day after day hiding in trashcans and other unseemly nooks, praying he could stop but ultimately remaining unable to do so, as though he were in some sort of cruel, eternal hell.

Momma: Bread, milk, eggs and poison.

And so Momma is a serial killer.

No, this is not surprising.

Shoe: How do I get out of Treetops?

And so the mechanic in Shoe shares his misery with any passerby that will hear him out. "There's no way out of Treetops," he says. "It's a dying, dead-end town. A purgatory from which there is no escape. Having long lost our ability to fly from over-reliance on the dread technology, we just drive from rotting tree to rotting tree, hoping maybe, just maybe today will be the day a branch will break, and we'll go plummeting down to the sweet, sweet hell that at long last awaits us."

Get Fuzzy: Each color is represented by an iconic fruit, thus providing both coloric and iconic representation.

This Get Fuzzy has excellent comic timing, and "Did you just eat the threat banana?" is just a funny line.

Pluggers: A plugger's serving size is all-he-can-eat.

What are the odds this plugger can even wait long enough to microwave this ravioli? Sure, his intentions are good, but judging by his facial expression, just getting it out of the can and into a bowl is clearly challenge enough.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Funky Winkerbean: Cedars

One of the challenges I have in writing this blog is that I know virtually nothing about the fundamentals of drawing. This is why I mostly stick to things like story and dialog and only mention the art when I see an especially egregious display of hackery.

All that said, I really like the art in the second panel of today's Funky Winkerbean. While I can't necessarily speak to the quality of the drawing itself, I can say that it creates exactly the right effect, literalizing the reflection the two panels depict, with the thrill of victory in the former panel warping into the misery of defeat in the latter.

Hi and Lois: We can spoon in June!

This comic is hilarious because Hi is planning to engage in an act of physical affection three months from now that might lead to intercourse. Lois, meanwhile, has already given herself an out.

Mark Trail: Buzz, will you take this chip and get the pictures printed?

One of the oddly appealing* things about Mark Trail is that it has refused to change with the times. Everything about it is proudly old-fashioned, from the black-and-white morality to the art to the endless stream of exclamation points! It's the kind of comic you can imagine pluggers enjoying without the least bit of irony.

So today's comic, in which Jack Elrod reveals that Mark owns a--gasp!--digital camera, is more than a little surprising. Next thing you know, Mark will be texting on his smart phone while Segwaying his way around Lost Forest.

*No, really!

Momma: Does it stop?

Ha ha! 'Cause, Toyota.

Family Circus: Mommy, when am I gonna reach my full potential?

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy is impatient for his New World Order to really get off the ground.

Technical Difficulties

[One of these images here]

Pardon the lack of blogging over the last couple of days. Blogger has apparently decided that I should never be allowed to upload an image ever again. And since this blog is based largely around images, that's proven somewhat problematic. As soon as this issue is resolved, blogging will resume and the usual hilarity will ensue.

UPDATE: Difficulties solved, posting resumed, hilarity ensued, etc., etc.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Peanuts: And I've got Linus down for Right Field.

It's the tower-building that really makes this comic.

But considering his range, shouldn't Linus be playing center field?

Pickles: Oh, no! Now I'm in the sand trap!

And so this is what the most tolerable Keane child is going to grow up to be: Earl Pickles.

Slavery really would have been better.

Blondie: Herb, you got a minute?

This comic is hilarious because Herb has to pee.*

*We aim for the highbrow here at
The Comics Section.

Family Circus: Occupation: Just a Housewife...

Thel Keane: feminist icon.