Candorville: Sir, I've noticed you've replaced our political columnists with Mark Twain articles from the year 1900.

I think the point of this comic is supposed to be that replacing people like George Will and Maureen Dowd with old Mark Twain articles in newspapers would be a bad thing, akin to rerunning old comic strips when newspapers could be running new comic strips, like Candorville.

But the analogy completely falls apart when you consider that replacing people like George Will and Maureen Dowd with old Mark Twain articles would actually almost certainly be a good thing.

But then, I'm not terribly offended by Peanuts reruns, either.

Family Circus: Yep, me too! Egg salad again!

Not even The Family Circus can remain free from the ennui that has gripped much of the comics section over the past week. The dull monotony of Billy's life--here represented by the same two egg salad sandwiches day after day after day--has very nearly defeated him. And unlike his brother or Garfield, he doesn't even have the cheap thrill of sadism to temporarily spice things up.

Dennis the Menace: Mom says I'm getting to be like you ... clutterin' the house with junk.

Alice's man-hating feminism is really getting out of control.

Marmaduke: Didn't they teach you about babysitting in obedience school?

Look, little girl, no matter how hard you try to tell him otherwise, Marmaduke knows that babies are for eating. That's why they're so delicious.

Get Fuzzy: Ha ha ha ha

If Get Fuzzy were nothing but context-free drawings of Satchel looking sheepish and sad, I would probably still love it.

Family Circus: But I didn't hit him. My monkey did!

If there's anybody out there still under the impression that Jeffy Keane is anything other than pure, concentrated evil, take note of today's cartoon. What has PJ done to deserve this fate? Nothing. Jeffy has just walked over to him and hit him in the head with a stuffed monkey. Why? Presumably because he derives great pleasure from hurting other living creatures, and because he was under the impression that he could get away with it by using the sort of tortured logic that makes perfect sense to his deranged mind. But not even another Keane is stupid enough to buy that sort of nonsense.

Baby Blues: I think we have a mouse in the house.

Gender stereotypes! They never get old!

Also, either this is a repeat from my very first week of comics blogging (one whole year ago!) or creativity is not Kirkman and Scott's strong suit.

Zits: Universes.

Walt does not appear to have a very high opinion of his wife's body. It's a good thing she hasn't eaten any of Gunk's Flyspeck Island peanuts.

Mark Trail: He won't get away this time!

Most. Exciting. Chase. Sequence. Ever.

You can tell emotions are really running high (and that the bad guys are really bad) by all the contractions!

Hi and Lois: It's not safe to text and cook.

While Lois' comeback makes no actual sense, the amorphous blob of off-white food matter and ripped up pieces of lettuce she's prepared sure do look delightful.

Garfield: Cliff was a lousy dancer.

Ha ha! Gay!

Family Circus: How'd you like your egg this morning, Daddy? Purple? Yellow? Green?

The Keane children have dyed eggs. Hilarity currently ensuing.

Dennis the Menace: She's busy doin' her housework. It's what she does for a living.

Alice Mitchell: feminist icon.

Blondie: Hey! There's the husband of the year!

To recap: Dagwood made dinner once. This apparently makes him the best husband in the whole Blondieverse.

The comics section truly does get more progressive with each passing day.

Baldo: I worry that you barely know him.

Some women, the sort that thinks dating is a good way to get to know men they don't already know very well, were probably confused by this comic. But that's just because they're enormous sluts.

Family Circus: The cracked egg can be PJ's.

Let's take this cacophony of misery one quote at a time.

Jeffy said you were killing the eggs, but he meant dyeing them, didn't he, Daddy?

This pun's so fun, we got to hear it twice! Also, Jeffy's an idiot.

I like chocolate eggs better than chicken ones.

It's funny 'cause they're completely different.

Green next!

This is hilarious because someone would like to dye the next egg green.

Let's write "Grandma" on one and mail it to her!

Bill will almost certainly lie to his children about doing this.

The cracked egg can be PJ's.

PJ should probably just be glad he's getting an egg.

Who colors the jelly beans?

It's funny 'cause they're completely different.

How long do we have to stay here and help you, Daddy?

Dyeing eggs is stupid and everybody knows it, even the Keane children.

That was a ping-pong ball you put in the yellow glass.

Bill is an idiot.

Red next!

This is hilarious because someone would like to dye the next egg red.

I never knew that red, green, purple, blue, yellow, and orange made dark gray.

Maybe this one can be PJ's too!

Purple next!

This is hilarious because someone would like to dye the next egg purple.

Jeffy mixed some raw eggs in with all the cooked ones.

Jeffy's an idiot.

Family Circus: For the last time, get in here right now or I'm going to start dyeing without you!

And so it was, ironically enough, a mundane and innocent threat that finally brought the leader of the notorious Keane Kult to justice.*

*Ha ha! Belated April Fools'! In reality, the neighbors are all too terrified to report any of the bizarre behavior exhibited by the members of that circus-like family down the road.

Peanuts: How can we lose when we're so sincere?

This is old and overlinked, but it's baseball season now and it's always good to be reminded of brilliant things, so go (re)read this statistical analysis of Charlie Brown's baseball team. Despite their sincerity, they are not very good.

Crankshaft: I need some quality time with the Reader's Digest.

Is there any situation more horrible than Crankshaft knocking at your door, angrily demanding a place to poop?

If so, I don't want to know about it.

Family Circus: You're the oldest, so that make you responsible.

And so Dolly has already mastered the fine art of scapegoating.

She will make an excellent tyrant.

Blondie: If only it were rabbit season.

This comic is hilarious because Mr. Dithers would like to shoot and kill his employee, but feels constrained by a particular law that has no actual bearing on the situation.

Non Sequitur: OMG! Like the end is totally near :(

Ha ha! The existence of acronyms and emoticons is definitely a good reason to wish for the wanton destruction of all human life! Good point, Wiley!

Hi and Lois: I finally got the playroom picked up.

Continuing the thread of existential angst from a couple days ago, here we see what Hi and Lois would have looked like if Albert Camus had decided to go to work for Mort Walker Inc. instead of dying in a car accident.

9 Chickweed Lane: ...

These last few 9 Chickweed Lane comics would probably be more emotionally resonant without the bizarre hand-fucking.

Family Circus: NO WAY! I'm not gonna fall for that. You can't April Fool me.

Dolly is vastly overestimating her idiot brother's intelligence here. She ought to know better. Given his embarrassingly limited mental capacity, there's simply no way Jeffy could formulate a plot as complex as putting a caterpillar on his sister's shoulder.