Family Circus: I'm sorry. I think my fingers got away from me.

And so Jeffy has invented for himself yet another excuse for his murderous yearnings: a demon hand. This is more interesting than the werewolf delusion, but where will it end? At the sight of cranberry juice, will he imagine himself a vampire? Upon seeing a shooting star, will he imagine himself an alien? Will he never take responsibility for his own actions?

This should be seen as further evidence that Jeffy doesn't really want to be the monster he has become. Rather, it is the result of his idiotic nature and tortured childhood. We can only hope that someday, perhaps with Billy's help, he will find peace.

Luann: And maybe that's why he's with her instead of you.

The lesson here seems to be that men don't like loose women, even if the women in question would only be considered loose by, I don't know, a 1950s-era Lutheran minister.

So hear that, impressionable young girls? Don't be dirty little sluts like this girl here who's never had sex or had a boyfriend or probably even kissed anyone, okay? You should also remember to never wear glasses, as no boy will ever like you if you do.

If you'd like more advice similar to the above, I suggest you check out Hersteria, which culls its material from generations-old sex manuals as opposed to ridiculously behind the times comic strips.

Mark Trail: I think she's STILL ALIVE!

So it looks like I'm just getting most all of my Mark Trail predictions wrong, as this guy appears to be a perfectly upstanding citizen, what with the short hair and the overalls and all.

I did manage to get one thing right, though, and that's the SHOCKING PLOT TWIST that Sassy is STILL ALIVE!

Hagar the Horrible: I say the secret to success is to choose a job that will make you happy!

This comic is hilarious because Hagar is a high-functioning alcoholic and his wife hates him.

Get Fuzzy: Why did you think Don Quixote had fur?

Best. Malapropism. Ever.

Family Circus: Can't dinner be later?

Requesting a rescheduling of meal times is a rather minor manifestation of Dolly's eternal quest for power.

Bizarro: Does this outfit make me look gay?

This is what happens when a cartoonist wakes up in the morning and thinks to himself, "Are Brokeback Mountain jokes really all played out?"

Mark Trail: Sassy, excited about chasing a rabbit, runs onto a highway and is struck by a speeding car.

I'm actually rather fond of Sassy, so I don't terribly enjoy seeing her tiny puppy body thrown into the air and falling broken to the ground. That said, I do think the physics presented here are worth a bit of investigation and that things are perhaps not as they might at first seem.

In the first panel, we see Sassy running in the same direction as the car. This should make her fairly easy to avoid, but the driver still manages to hit her. This suggests to me some sort of evil plot, and we should probably not rule out the possibility that one of the Parker brothers--or some similarly long-haired hooligan--is the one behind the wheel.

In the second panel, we see that the impact of the collision has propelled Sassy high into the air. As this would not be the result of a normal collision, this is yet further evidence of foul play, suggesting as it does that the car must be equipped with something similar to a cow catcher. It's true that this is not apparent in the first panel, but that's probably just the result of poor drawing.

In the third panel, we find Sassy lying in the road disoriented, but otherwise seemingly uninjured. This suggests that Sassy was not the true target of this hit after all. Indeed, I believe this has all been part of an elaborate plot and that Sassy is nothing more than bait. The shaggy-haired perpetrator will now wait in the shadows for Rusty to find his poor, injured dog and run into the road after her. At which point this entire sequence will repeat itself, only this time it will be Rusty in mortal danger. Because what good's a Mark Trail story, anyway, if Rusty's not in mortal danger?

Cow and Boy: OK, I'm down for a water balloon fight.

Early twentieth century labor relations are always comedy gold. Also, posable taxidermied squirrels.

Lola and Pluggers: What do you suggest for a vegetarian?

The comics section is really giving vegetarians the old what for today, and I for one applaud the decision to roundly rebuke the tiny percentage of the population that finds eating dead animal flesh problematic for various ethical reasons.