Family Circus: He's mad because nothin' good rhymes with Jeffy.

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy has convinced Jeffy to measure his self-worth by how many words rhyme with his name. Dolly is smirking at the cruelty, but she's also kind of disappointed she didn't think of it first.

Pluggers: You're a plugger if your 24-hour deodorant takes the afternoon off.

This cartoon is hilarious because pluggers smell bad.

The Phantom: But the deep woods is our home!

"But what if the city-dwellers won't let us wear these uncomfortably revealing loincloths that allow us to show off our bizarrely over-muscled child bodies? What then?"

Luann: Tiff? When a soldier sees a gorgeous girl, he cheers up.

This comic is hilarious because Tiffany is excited at the prospect of helping wounded soldiers masturbate.

La Cucaracha: I'm Mel Gregvin, and I'm the strips new manager. We're gonna fix up this dump of a comic right quick.

Considering that it would be virtually impossible to make La Cucaracha any worse, there's a distinct possibility that a real Mel Gregvin could actually marginally improve the strip. Gregvin isn't real, of course, being instead a cheap caricature of what Lalo Alcaraz imagines a Nebraskan to be, so La Cucaracha will continue to suck just as much as it always has.

Luann: Yeah, what could we possibly give the soldiers?

This comic is hilarious because Luann and her friends are going to lift the spirits of wounded soldiers by allowing them to masturbate to their sexy, underage bodies.

Lola: Oh, Ray, it was the worst thing imaginable.

This comic is hilarious because Lola has ruined her family's lives.

Pluggers: You're a plugger if you get five o'clock shadow on the top of your ears.

Because pluggers ... are ... dogs?

Family Circus: The trees would stay warmer if they held on to their leaves in winter.

This cartoon is hilarious because Dolly is anthropomorphizing trees.

9 Chickweed Lane: Is my presence that formidable?

And so Edda is, in actuality, a hideous monster.

This is not surprising.

Curtis: Are you familiar with the Dennis Quaid movie "The Day After Tomorrow"?

If Curtis included more random references to Dennis Quaid, it would be a far better comic strip.

Family Circus: Daddy taught me how to shovel the cards.

Keane Kards is just like Calvinball, only horrific instead of fun.

Blondie: Geesh! Another dip on a cell phone!

This comic is hilarious because Dagwood is both a hypocrite and an asshat.

Betty: Think of them as kind of a sorbet.

Look. Having a boot fetish is one thing. Having a Croc fetish is just sick.

Bloom County: Okay! So maybe I'm not that frequently blessed with female attention! Maybe I don't have the raw sexual magnetism of a David Letterman..

This comic strip is probably actually funnier now than it was 25 years ago.

Hagar the Horrible: But she's only visiting for a short time...

Mother-in-law ha ha ha.

Luann: Yeah, and the Brad is yummy.

This comic is hilarious because holding a breadstick makes Toni fantasize about holding Brad's penis.

Agnes: The title of my new paranormal romance novel is "I Wish You Weren't Flesh."

We Will Kiss After You Are Dead actually seems like a pretty great title for a paranormal romance novel. Moreover, Trout seems to be drastically overrating the quality of the romance novel market. I think Agnes is right that her manuscript has hit potential, and I could easily see it being adapted into a television series, potentially starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Family Circus: Mommy, is it OK to pet a goldfish?

This cartoon is hilarious because Jeffy is attempting to kill Dolly's goldfish.

BC: SPFFFFF

So you think the drink you're holding is a beer. But when you go to take a drink, you discover that it's actually water. You:

a. swallow it, because it's just water, and it's not like it's bitter or disgusting or anything, or
b. spit it all over the place.

If you said b, congratulations. You are a character in comic strip.

Betty: What do you think?

This comic is hilarious because Bub's desire to have sex with a woman in thigh-high, leather, stiletto boots has been overcome by his irrational concern that having sex with a woman that is taller than him will make him less of a man.

Family Circus: I'm going north 'til I find ice.

Billy, making yet one more bid to escape.

The Quigmans: This is one of the best dates I've ever had ... probably because you have no mouth.

This cartoon is hilarious because women are annoying when they talk.

The Phantom: This wasn't supposed to happen to us!

"Hmm, what should I wear to my wedding? A tux? A nice suit and tie? Maybe we should just go casual? Or--wait! I've got it! My skin-tight purple unitard! Perfect!"

Dennis the Menace: I remember when we came to the library to look for books.

This cartoon is hilarious because libraries are just too newfangled these days, what with their computers and their VCRs and their big rooms where people talk about stuff.

My Cage: My friend Brian just wrote me on Facebook. He lost his job and now can't pay his mortgage.

Brian should buck up. I hear there are exciting opportunities in the gator poaching field, specifically for people who are having trouble paying their mortgages.

Marmaduke: Know any other shortcuts?

Every once in a while, there'll be a Marmaduke so bizarre and unexpected that I can't help but laugh. And Marmaduke and Phil on top of a speeding train definitely counts as bizarre and unexpected.

Family Circus: I think Jeffy did it. That face looks like the kind he draws.

This cartoon is hilarious because Dolly continues to be a sociopath.

Lola: Horse prison is going to be especially tough on you.

Because the only thing funnier than prison rape is prison rape involving horses.

Marmaduke: It's our new "No Strays Left Behind" program.

This cartoon is hilarious because it shows that the main legacy of George Bush's education policy is that it's still providing fodder for hack cartoonists who think they're being topical.

Betty: I like these boots.

This comic is hilarious because Bub is attempting to convince Betty to buy thigh-high, leather, stiletto boots so as to fulfill his as yet undisclosed sexual fetish.

BC: Spent all day chasin' a doe--just to come up with nothin'!

This BC is very clever indeed, what with the way it connects hunting to picking up women, thus suggesting that

1. Thor's spear is analogous to a penis and
   
2. A woman is analogous to an animal you hunt down, kill and eat, and whose head you remove, stuff and hang on your wall as a eternal testament to your masculinity.
   

Family Circus: You're lucky! You never have to 'member where you left YOUR shoes!

This cartoon is hilarious because, as his pitying expression indicates, even Barfy knows that Jeffy is a fucking idiot.

Born Loser: Kinda like Grandma, huh?

This comic is hilarious because women are bad drivers.

Crankshaft: They've all got their own ox to grind.

It appears that Crankshaft is attempting to get into the adorable malapropism business.

There's no way this can end well.

Marmaduke: No trading Halloween treats without asking.

Marmaduke is basically living on borrowed time at this point.

Mark Trail: Don't get squeamish on us, Bob ... We're here to get gator hides to pay our mortgages. And that dog will help us do that!

Hmm. I'm just not sure I understand these poachers' motivation. I wish Jack Elrod would spell it out just a little more clearly.