Crankshaft: I use mine to kill spiders in the basement.

Make all the fruitcake jokes you want, Crankshaft, you'll never be as hacky as The Born Loser.

Crankshaft: These are Tinkerbelle's antidepressants.

And so even the animals are depressed in the world of Tom Batiuk.

This is not even remotely surprising.

Crankshaft: It's scary to think of what things would be like if he weren't around.

And so Crankshaft's greatest contribution to society appears to be that nondescript time he made one of his bad puns.

This is not surprising.

Crankshaft: Pop goes the weasel...

And so Crankshaft is a conspiracy theorist.

This is the least surprising news ever.

Crankshaft: The grandchildren really love my new cat

This comic is hilarious because the children are abusing the old lady's new cat.

Crankshaft: The land of the free, my foot...

This comic is hilarious because Crankshaft doesn't understand that liberty is not the same thing as never having to pay for anything.

Crankshaft: I need some quality time with the Reader's Digest.

Is there any situation more horrible than Crankshaft knocking at your door, angrily demanding a place to poop?

If so, I don't want to know about it.

Crankshaft: Gas store?

The wordplay* in this comic is so hilarious that we had to hear it twice.

*Not that "gas store" necessarily counts as wordplay.

Crankshaft: We needed Lena to get a strike for us to win, and she threw the slowest ball I've ever seen!

This comic is hilarious because women are really, really, really weak.

Crankshaft: Can I get anyone a beer while we're waiting?

This comic is hilarious because women are really, really weak.

Crankshaft: Lena throws a slow ball, doesn't she?

This comic is hilarious because women are weak.

Crankshaft: It's frozen corn.

This comic is hilarious because Crankshaft's being an enormous fucking asshole.

The baffling thing is that, say you live next to an enormous fucking asshole. Why would you invite him to your party? Are you that lonely and pathetic? It wouldn't seem so, as there are other people there. Or maybe they're all enormous fucking assholes too, as that's the only kind of person you can get to come to your parties? But that doesn't make sense because enormous fucking assholes generally don't want to attend parties and only do so by accident, like Crankshaft. So maybe you're just a masochist? Or an idiot? Or a character/plot device in a comic strip?

Crankshaft: The yardwork is over and dad can't hurt himself for another four months.

In the next exciting installment of Crankshaft: Crankshaft cuts off his own arm just to spite the daughter he loathes. Hilarity ensues.

Crankshaft: How did things go at the doctor's, Dad?

And so the doctor has apparently decided that the best thing for everybody is to just not vaccinate Crankshaft and hope he contracts a fatal disease.

This is sensible.

Crankshaft: Is it fun?

Because nobody knows more about having fun than Crankshaft.

Crankshaft: They've all got their own ox to grind.

It appears that Crankshaft is attempting to get into the adorable malapropism business.

There's no way this can end well.

Crankshaft: Hey! You missed one!

I'd write more about Crankshaft, but literally every entry would be some iteration of "This comic is hilarious because Crankshaft is an enormous asshole."

Not every comic strip can be as rife with critical possibilities as The Family Circus.