Born Loser: Did you find a puck so we can play hockey?

The Born Loser is not the worst strip in the comics section, but it is probably the hackiest. So it's not exactly a surprise to see a holiday fruitcake joke today. It's just kind of sad.

Born Loser: You look like you could have used more sleep last night!

As his friend's facial expression indicates, Brutus' comment about spraining his wrist, which was meant to deflect suspicions that he was up all night masturbating, instead merely confirmed them.

This is just another reason why he's the (ba da dum) Born Loser.

Born Loser: The buzzards have returned!

Mother-in-law ... misogyny ... ha ha ha.

Born Loser: I have something similar, but Gladys doesn't have an accent!

Ha ha! Seriously though, women are just terrible, terrible creatures.

Born Loser: My wife talks my ear off--she talks from the moment she gets up untile she goest to bed at night!

This comic is hilarious because women suck.

Born Loser: Guess what, Mindy--Jane was just talking to me about you...

This comic is hilarious because women sure do have big mouths, don't they?

Born Loser: I was referring to Rudolph and Frosty and the Grinch!

This comic is hilarious because a hack cartoonist who hates his characters and whose name I refuse to look up is suggesting that people like me who enjoy Christmas cartoons are stupid.

Also, fuck him.

Born Loser: Kinda like Grandma, huh?

This comic is hilarious because women are bad drivers.

The Born Loser and Luann: Paper clips.

Two things:
1. When you're making the same joke as The Born Loser, it's time take a step back and reassess your work.
2. Why does Greg Evans hate children?

Born Loser: Another year, another professional football season.

There are any number of things to hate about this Born Loser, but what I hate most is the drawing. Specifically, take a gander at the center panel. That is supposed to be a head.

Born Loser: Sigh. I'm not good with computers.

This comic is hilarious because Brutus is so incompetent, he can't even download pornography correctly.

Born Loser: I'm waiting for cash for clunker husbands!

This comic is hilarious because she wants to sell her husband for money.

Born Loser: I saw Ozzy last night, Mr. T! You don't know what you missed--he rocked!

I'm just going to assume that Art Sampson drew this strip thirty years ago, deemed it unprintable, and stuffed it in a desk drawer where it sat for thirty years until Chip Sampson found it a few weeks ago and, being lazy, decided to send it into the syndicate and take a thoroughly undeserved day off.

Because the alternative--that Chip Sampson actually drew this cartoon a few weeks ago, thinking it was a timely and humorous pop culture reference--is just way too depressing.

Born Loser: Okay.

This comic is hilarious because women talk too much and men are inconsiderate assholes.

Born Loser: How are we going to come up with that kind of money?

This comic is hilarious because women are too stupid to understand household finances.

Born Loser: I'll have two overcooked fried eggs, burned toast, raw bacon and a cup of day-old coffee!

This comic is hilarious because Brutus hates the diner he goes to, but because he takes a perverse pleasure out of misery, he will continue to go there forever.

And so, really, The Born Loser isn't so much about a born loser as it is about a nihilistic masochist who's afraid of change.

Born Loser: You must have won.

This comic is hilarious because Brutus is a terrible father who does not attend his son's baseball games.

Born Loser: You're driving me crazy! Here--take my watch so you won't have to keep bothering me about the time?

This comic is hilarious because Wilberforce is desperately trying to get his father to spend some time with him, but Brutus either doesn't realize this because he's stupid or doesn't care because he's an enormous douche.

Beetle Bailey and The Born Loser: Bleep Bleep Bleep!

When Beetle Bailey*, The Born Loser and The Family Circus are all using variations on the same joke, it is highly unlikely that the joke is funny or hip, no matter how meta it may be.

*Beetle Bailey comic from 7-30-09. But it has used this joke at least two other times within the last month or so.

Born Loser: Leave what message? You called me!

The third panel in this comic is completely unnecessary and in fact detracts from the quality of an already stupid joke. Were this comic to have stopped after the second panel, I would not have bothered to comment on it, as it would just be another example of a not very good comic strip. But instead the cartoonist felt the need to beat his audience over the head, because he feels his audience is very stupid and probably wouldn't have understood why the comic was supposed to be funny if he hadn't explained it very carefully.

So what I'm saying is that the third panel makes this comic worse and it should have stopped after the second panel. Since I'm not sure whether you understand my point, I'm just going to reiterate one more time very clearly, in very large letters that THIS COMIC PROBABLY SHOULD NOT HAVE THREE PANELS.

Do you understand what I'm getting at? Because if not, I can write some more and explain it better.