Hi and Lois: Irma and I had a big fight.

Ha ha! Marital discord!

Seriously though, even disregarding potentially unintentional alternate readings, Hi and Lois is a pretty depressing comic strip.

Funky Winkerbean: Get rid of this!

This comic is hilarious because Becky has shot Wally in the face and is asking Funky to dispose of the evidence.*

*Not really. But would it really surprise you?

Better Half: I finally figured out what I.M. means. It means I.M. too old to chat this way!

This cartoon is hilarious because "I.M." sounds a lot like "I am."

The Phantom: And we WON'T let her down! We'll KEEP ON fighting EVIL!

"And SHAGGING hot ship CAPTAINS! And ABANDONING our CHILDREN! And using EXCLAMATION POINTS inappropriately!"

Marmaduke: He insisted on stopping in at the church.

Yes, Marmaduke has eaten an angel.

No, this is not surprising.

Family Circus: My father's car is smaller than your father's car!

Apparently jokes about car size were in vogue fifty years ago, too.

This strikes me as odd. It seems like they must have been about something other than environmental concerns, but I can't really imagine what.

Cow and Boy: I guess Doctor Conrad Zimsky was right. Science is nothing more than our best guess.

I, for one, have garnered the vast majority of my wisdom through the lessons of one Billy Keane.

The Quigmans: He's another one of our tactics to drum up support for the health care bill.

Because nothing convinces politicians to support legislation like offensive caricatures of Native Americans.

The Phantom: Kit and Heloise will grow up at SEA! With US!

And so The Phantom's new lover is almost certainly completely deranged.

But, you know, who doesn't dream wistfully about raising the children of men they've just met?

Herb & Jamaal: God, in his infinite wisdom...

This is, I'm sure, exactly what Langston Hughes had in mind.

Family Circus: For an encore, let's do "Mack the Knife"!

Kids today and their German pop standards.

Born Loser: I have something similar, but Gladys doesn't have an accent!

Ha ha! Seriously though, women are just terrible, terrible creatures.

Pluggers: You're a plugger if heating your home is harder on your back than your checkbook.

Or, you know, the other way around.*

*Yes, that link is to yesterday's comic. Yesterday's.

The Phantom: Diana is gone FOREVER! I will help him FORGET her!

This lady sounds delightful!

Actually, virtually all of the characters in The Phantom are contemptible. That's just part of its charm, I guess.

Non Sequitur: No cell or wifi reception here.

Proof that Wiley is correct about technology ruining everybody's lives: I wouldn't even be able to read Non Sequitur without the Internet.

F Minus: I suppose there might be an evolutionary advantage.

I can't decide whether this is funny, weird or horrifying.

It is, therefore, the best comic of the day.

Pluggers: Won't this thermostat go any higher?

Just another plugger doing his part to save the planet.

Family Circus: Guess what it's doing out.

This cartoon is hilarious because the children are excited that it's snOH MY GOD WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO DOLLY?

Dennis the Menace and Drabble: She calls it a recital. I call it torture!

These comics are hilarious because males do not appreciate noncontemporary music.

The Quigmans: Sir, I realize membership has its privileges, but this isn't one of them.

Ha ha! Sexual assault!

The Phantom: This will sound rude, but ... please wait outside.

Even when he's being reasonable, The Phantom has to do it in the douchiest way possible.

This is because he is an enormous asshat.

Lola: Here we go, Sal. First shot of the season.

Ha ha! Golf! It's almost like Lola's exactly the same as all those comic strips that feature male leads! Isn't that weird?

Dennis the Menace: It's a bike, dear ... not a time machine.

This cartoon is hilarious because Mrs. Wilson refuses to humor Mr. Wilson's senile delusions. Most likely because she hates him.

Family Circus: Any children?

It appears that The Family Circus once contained something vaguely resembling humorous content.

We shall learn in the coming days whether this ever happened a second time.

9 Chickweed Lane: And thirteen hundred men silently heard me out.

But, of course, they were mostly just staring at her tits.

In all seriousness, though, if this story's going where I think it's going, I might have to amend some of the harsher things I've written about it. We'll see.*

*And friend of the blog dofnup may have a point, as well.

Family Circus: Wish we could just have our anniversary picture taken with a camera!

But they can't. Because they're cartoons and not real. Which means they're not actually standing there posing, either. So Billy should probably quit complaining.

Beetle Bailey: Groan!

This comic is hilarious because everybody in Beetle Bailey hates their lives.

For Better or For Worse: What were you watching?

Given the setting, Elly must of have been watching the notoriously vulgar Wayne and Shuster.

Garfield: I keep a framed picture of Liz beside my bed...

In which Jon and Garfield compare masturbatory aids.