Mark Trail : Uh-oh, I think I made it mad!

Mark Trail getting attacked by a goose is the sort of thing that can occasionally make me regret retiring this blog.

Mark Trail: A hollowed-out lure would make a good place to hid diamonds!

Given the evidence Mark has here--Ben is using large, lightweight lures--diamond smuggling really is the obvious conclusion.

Mark Trail: If I could figure out this stupid reel I could cast a lot better!

Fishing rods are just too complex a machine for the simple female mind. Sure, Mark's annoyed by Kelly's feminine incompetence, but what are you going to do, you know?

Mark Trail: Oh, no ... IT'S KELLY again ... what is she up to now? She's headed this way!

Kelly and her icky, womany vagina have so upset Mark that he is reduced to using contractions.

In the next exciting installment of Mark Trail: Kelly does something stupid, because she is a woman and that's what women do.

Mark Trail: WHAT'S that woman up to?

Women! They just can't handle manly things. Like boats. And water.

Mark Trail: Then I guess I'll have to try it alone!

Having failed, like so many women before her, to seduce Mark, Miss Kelly Welly has decided to go back to her hotel room and masturbate.

At least I'm assuming that's the metaphor at play here.

Mark Trail: WHAM

Cherry's completely unhinged reaction to a common sitcom misunderstanding might seem a bit overdone. But you have to remember that she's a woman, and as such her female parts prevent her from having any control over her emotions.

This is also why she's always trying to kiss Mark at inappropriate times. Like when they're standing under mistletoe, for example.

Mark Trail: Good luck with that!

Miss Kelly Welly just instantly became my new favorite comic strip villain.

If the comic strip weren't called Mark Trail, Mark wouldn't stand a chance against such a remorseless, self-centered enemy. As it is, I'm left hoping for some sort of spin-off. The best case scenario, of course, would be Mark getting himself Barney Googled, but that's just not going to happen, unfortunately.

Mark Trail: The prescribed way to kiss under the mistletoe...

...is apparently to grimace horribly like Mark Trail. Who knew?

Mark Trail: Oh, I forgot to tell you ... Cherry called while you were in the shower!

Mark Trail consistently provides the finest facial expressions in the comics section. Mark's panicked face in the third panel here, for example, really is just glorious.

Mark Trail: KELLY!

I'm proud to say that I pretty much called this one.

The Phantom and Mark Trail: Savarna?!

The main role of women in The Phantom and Mark Trail is to cause problems. And here they are doing that again with their silly feminine jealousy. It's not their fault, obviously--vaginae and hormones and whatnot. But it would be nice if they'd just stay out of our big, asexual heroes' way and let them save some poor defenseless animals.

Poor defenseless animals that aren't human females, I mean.

Mark Trail: Mark's going to be surprised when he sees me at his door!

In the next titillating installment of Mark Trail: Through a completely organic and uncontrived misunderstanding, Mark emerges from the shower and walks into the bedroom wearing nothing but a towel, only find Miss Kelly Welly lounging provocatively on his bed. Unintentional hilarity ensues.

Mark Trail: You must be Miss Kelly Welly.

If Kelly Welly isn't a whore's name, I don't know what is.

Mark Trail: I told Cherry I'd call when I got to the camp and settled in ... I'll do that now!

Jack Elrod really does appear to be setting up a "sexy seductress threatens the Mark and Cherry relationship" storyline. Maybe it will fool a few Johnny-come-latelies, but long time readers know that Mark is not only immune to sexual temptations, but outright terrified of them.

Mark Trail: So Mark is going on a fishing trip, but he wouldn't tell his editor what he will be working on...

What are these sexy shenanigans doing in the Elrodverse? Go away for a couple a months andwhen you come back, it's nothing but scantily-clad temptresses and clearly aroused moose.

Mark Trail: My stepfather must really like animals to get so many!

These two comics ran back to back. They are virtually the identical, except in one of them the little girl wants to put the deer into the pen, while in the other the little girl is glad she doesn't have to put the deer into the pen. Why? Because it's Mark Trail, I guess, and that's just the way Jack Elrod rolls.

For those of you who are behind on the current plot, by the way, it involves a wannabe politician, a mysterious fence, a bunch of animals, big game hunting, a little girl and a pet deer.

Mark Trail: WHAT?

Five hundred dollars is a pretty darn good reward for a yellow Dalmatian puppy, but Greedy McMustache here is having none of it. Cherry is either shocked or on the verge of tears. It's hard to tell which.

Mark Trail: I put her in the pen with several other dogs!

Now would probably be a good time for Mark Trail: Animal Behavior Expert to explain to Sally the fat animal collector that putting several stray dogs who are completely unfamiliar with each other all together in a single enclosure is actually a really freaking terrible idea.

Mark Trail: Hey, Mildred, take a look at this.

On the one hand, this fellow's dialog suggests that he will continue on his path of evil. On the other hand, the way he shaved off his facial hair right in the middle of this conversation provides what is surely an even stronger indicator that he is already in the process of turning his evil, animal-hating life around.