Luann: Merry Christmas.

I wish this were Funky Winkerbean so we could at least take solace in the fact that at least one of these characters was going to get cancer and die.

Luann: That's sweet, Brad. I'll think of you whenever I put on my undies.

The best part of today's Luann is the thoroughly disgusted look the cashier has on her face.

Luann: Mostly. Three out of four.

This comic is hilarious because Toni generally leaves her left labium uncovered.

In all seriousness, this whole story is just so, so unpleasant.

Luann: THE #1 sign of true love.

Luann: Rendering everyday interactions between males and females kind of disgusting by overstating their importance since 1985.

Luann: You wanna give me a wedgie?

Toni is not into Brad's public wedgie fetish. Brad is sad.

Luann: I am so glad I decided to shave my legs this morning.

I am so glad the censors prevented the final panel of this comic from being published. At least I assume that's what happened.

Unfortunately, various forms of that hypothetical fourth panel will be running through my nightmares all night tonight.

Luann: There's great danger in chemical fires...

Despite getting tons of traffic from people searching for Luann porn, I've never gotten any traffic from people searching for hot Brad and Toni action. Perhaps Greg Evans is trying to break a new demographic. Or perhaps the apparent metaphor here is just clever misdirection, and Brad and Toni are about to be consumed in an actual chemical fire.

I know which one I'm hoping for.

Luann: It's an adult fair.

And so Brad and Toni are headed off to the local porn fair. Brad is especially anxious to see the car fucking attraction.

Luann: The moon was full and the front door was wide open.

Yep, definitely top 20. Almost certainly top 5, in fact. Here's a list of disturbing shit going on in this Luann storyline:

1. Luann has seen Gunther naked.
2. Luann keeps making flirtatious remarks about it.
3. Luann keeps making flirtatious facial expressions behind Gunther's back.
4. Gunther's legs are kind of beautiful.
5. Gunther is wearing a worm costume...
6. which signifies his emotional state.
   
7. Gunther's worm costume makes it appear as though he has a giant fucking cock.
8. Luann used the phrase, "The moon was full and the front door was wide open." I'm not entirely sure what it means, but I never, ever want to see it again.
   

Luann: LOOK AWAY!!

The lack Gunther-on-Tiffany action will disappoint many of my most frequent visitors, but Luann's facial expression in the final panel here suggests that this storyline could still land somewhere within the list of the top 20 most disturbing Luann storylines. It really all depends on where it goes from here.

Luann: I'll try the side door.

If Tiffany and Gunther are having sex in the library, it will be one of the top twenty or so most disturbing Luann storylines of all time.

Luann: Well, Pud, I've got absolutely nothing to do.

I actually find it kind of endearing that though the drawing of all the other characters has changed a great deal and become much more refined, the dog in Luann remains this ridiculous, cartoony-looking thing. And Pud is pretty good name for a cartoon dog, too.

Luann: Good.

This comic consists entirely of a couple of characters sitting around talking. And it's really good. The punchline doesn't even have the rhythm of a punchline. It just sounds like a thing TJ would say.

It would probably be creepy to start shipping these two (though Luann has never shied away from shocking inappropriateness before), but I'd absolutely support an overhaul of the comic in which all the other characters are jettisoned, while TJ and Shannon move to Las Vegas together and try to make it on their own in the big city.

Luann: And maybe that's why he's with her instead of you.

The lesson here seems to be that men don't like loose women, even if the women in question would only be considered loose by, I don't know, a 1950s-era Lutheran minister.

So hear that, impressionable young girls? Don't be dirty little sluts like this girl here who's never had sex or had a boyfriend or probably even kissed anyone, okay? You should also remember to never wear glasses, as no boy will ever like you if you do.

If you'd like more advice similar to the above, I suggest you check out Hersteria, which culls its material from generations-old sex manuals as opposed to ridiculously behind the times comic strips.

Luann: You mean instead of a PLASTIC one?

This comic is hilarious because Gunther does not consider Tiffany's vibrator to be a "real boyfriend," and this has made her sad.

Luann: Aaron Hill!?

I don't say this very often, but today's Luann is very, very funny.*

*Of course, the humor relies on the reader having a basic knowledge of Luann's mythology. Yes, Luann has a mythology. It's basically The Wire of comic strips.

Luann: You two are my main men.

Gunther appears unsure as to whether he's prepared for this sort of sexual act. Quill, on the other hand, seems quite pleased at the suggestion.

Luann: You'll be the sewin' shark!

It would appear that Luann has man hands.

This will not prevent literally hundreds of people from stumbling upon my blog while searching for images of her in sexually compromising positions.

Luann: Toni! What're you doing here?

This comic is hilarious because Brad and Toni are going to have sex on the floor of the fire station lounge.

Luann: No. Well, yes.

This comic is hilarious because women are stupid and have difficulty making good decisions for themselves.