Beetle Bailey: You can look but you can't touch, right, Amos?

Fucking feminists, with their "no dehumanizing objectification or sexual harassment of coworkers" nonsense, am I right?

Herb and Jamaal: Running up bills, jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth.

This comic is hilarious because women are economically illiterate, irrational liars.

Hagar the Horrible: Why can't we ever have a conversation at dinner like other couples?!

This comic is hilarious because women nag and men are slobs.

Mark Trail: If I could figure out this stupid reel I could cast a lot better!

Fishing rods are just too complex a machine for the simple female mind. Sure, Mark's annoyed by Kelly's feminine incompetence, but what are you going to do, you know?

Marmaduke: You've been hanging out at the bowling alley again, haven't you?

I've done the math and it would appear that Marmaduke has eaten at least ten unsuspecting bowlers.

Even more impressively, it appears that Brad Anderson Inc. has managed to fit a nagging wife stereotype into a cartoon about a woman and her dog.

Mark Trail: Oh, no ... IT'S KELLY again ... what is she up to now? She's headed this way!

Kelly and her icky, womany vagina have so upset Mark that he is reduced to using contractions.

In the next exciting installment of Mark Trail: Kelly does something stupid, because she is a woman and that's what women do.

Mark Trail: WHAT'S that woman up to?

Women! They just can't handle manly things. Like boats. And water.

Herb and Jamaal: Ever since I had that argument with my mother-in-law...

A mother-in-law joke. That's very clever, Herb and Jamaal. Tomorrow you should write about how other women are terrible, too.

Beetle Bailey: You're on the web all day! You live in another world!

This comic is hilarious because the sexually idealized women who star in Internet porn movies are far superior to the sexually idealized women in Gizmo's comic strip world.

Herb and Jamaal: Uh-oh. Jamaal's got that look on his face.

This comic is hilarious because women are bizarre and terrifying creatures, evidently incapable of forming coherent sentences.

Mark Trail: WHAM

Cherry's completely unhinged reaction to a common sitcom misunderstanding might seem a bit overdone. But you have to remember that she's a woman, and as such her female parts prevent her from having any control over her emotions.

This is also why she's always trying to kiss Mark at inappropriate times. Like when they're standing under mistletoe, for example.

The Phantom and Mark Trail: Savarna?!

The main role of women in The Phantom and Mark Trail is to cause problems. And here they are doing that again with their silly feminine jealousy. It's not their fault, obviously--vaginae and hormones and whatnot. But it would be nice if they'd just stay out of our big, asexual heroes' way and let them save some poor defenseless animals.

Poor defenseless animals that aren't human females, I mean.

Funky Winkerbean: Remember to pull your jacket down when you're sitting down on the set to avoid getting a hump in the back.

Ha ha, Mike's acting like a woman because he's nagging and that's what women do!

Beetle Bailey: Maybe you don't know what sexual harassment IS, sir.

Lately, Beetle Bailey has been running through a set of old cartoons in celebration of either its 60th anniversary or getting picked for a stamp. I'm not quite sure which. But regardless of why it's happening, I always appreciate seeing older incarnations of a comic strip and observing how it has changed over the years.

This particular comic is from 1986, which is around the time that Mort Walker Inc. started taking complaints that its strip was a bit on the sexist side seriously. The strip dramatizes the transition nicely by coupling didactic, feminist dialog with amazing, gravity-defying tits.

Dennis the Menace: Better let Mom win, Dad, or we'll be eatin' leftovers for dinner.

This cartoon is hilarious because women are spiteful and hold men hostage with their singular ability to cook food.

Mallard Fillmore: Who needs something that completely ignores you while expecting to be fed?

Oh, Mallard Fillmore, it's a good thing you're an adorable duck, or you're hatred of women would be really offensive.

Drabble: You stared into the refrigerator for half an hour! You're on your way to becoming a true man!

Is this something men actually do? Or is Ralph/the guy who writes Drabble just making up sexist tropes to torture his son/audience?

Quigmans: Just because I picked you up at the Kennel Club tonight doesn't mean I'm gonna pick up the check.

I make fun of a lot of comic strips here, but for the most part they're all pretty much harmless. This blog is basically like going to war against ice cream sundaes, though the intent isn't really to destroy them so much as to find new ways to enjoy them.

But The Quigmans is just genuinely vile. There are a lot of comics that engage casually in old, sexist tropes, but The Quigmans is outright misogynistic. Just take a look at the cartoon in this post, or this one or this one or this one or this one. And sometimes it's kind of racist, too.

On top of all that, it's more harmless negative attributes are its terrible drawing and writing. For example, in case you were wondering, the joke in today's cartoon--besides the hilariously cruel misogyny, of course--is that the dog-man picked up the bitch-woman in a "kennel club" rather than a regular old human club. Get it? 'Cause they're dogs and shit.

Pluggers: When a mom is away, a plugger dad can whip up dinner as quick as you can say, "I'd like to place a take-out order."

This cartoon is hilarious because male pluggers know that cooking is a debasing activity designed specifically for women.

Hagar the Horrible: What's for dinner, Helga?!

Men. Dates. Hilarity. Etc.