The Phantom: Dad's home!

Ha ha! These kids think they're going to get to see their father! They should know by now that The Phantom doesn't do family time.

The Phantom: Across town...

Oh, look. The Phantom has children. That he's ignoring. Because he's awful.

Phantom: NO ONE know you're here! You're SAFE now!

"But just in case I'm wrong, here, take this gun."

The Phanom: I won't be gone long!

Having saved his wife, The Phantom now promptly abandons her on what appears to be the very next day. No doubt to get some more vengeance done. Because that's what really matters right now.

The Phantom: She won't want Kit and Heloise to see her like this!

The Phantom's excuses for ignoring his children get better all the time.

Next week in The Phantom: "Diana's feeling better! We should really spend some time alone together! Kit and Heloise won't mind! Diana's happiness is all that matters now!"

The Phantom and Mark Trail: Savarna?!

The main role of women in The Phantom and Mark Trail is to cause problems. And here they are doing that again with their silly feminine jealousy. It's not their fault, obviously--vaginae and hormones and whatnot. But it would be nice if they'd just stay out of our big, asexual heroes' way and let them save some poor defenseless animals.

Poor defenseless animals that aren't human females, I mean.

The Phantom: Where is he tonight? Is he thinking of me?

Oh, Savarna, when will you learn? The Phantom thinks of nothing but simple, wanton violence.

The Phantom: I could fix the Walker family!

When last we checked in with The Phantom, our titular hero had ventured into hack comedy. It was perhaps the greatest thing ever.

Now, however, the crazy, pirate-hating, booty-bearing love interest has returned. And as the above comic shows, she's just as obsessive and frightening as ever. She is also, of course, extremely stupid. At the very least, she should realize that The Phantom is never going to spend any time with his damn kids.

The Phantom: You don't happen to know the number for nine-one-one, do you?

"Just kidding!"

THIS MUST NEVER END.

The Phantom: Texting? Give those thumbs a rest!

Here we see The Phantom taking a break from terrorizing alleged terrorists to make awkward observational humor about these kids today and their smart phones.

This should become the format of The Phantom from here on out. No more pirate adventures. Just let The Phantom walk around New York City and point out all the stuff that strikes him as odd. "Turn those baseball caps around kids!" "What's with all these pizza places?" "Man, that guy on the bluetooth is a douche!"

The Phantom: If I know KIT, he's hunting men like CHATU this very MINUTE!

And so Diana apparently knows that she married a violent, vengeful douche who would immediately abandon their children in an effort to work out his own violent, vengeful, douchey grief. And she likes him that way!

Their kids are going to turn out great.

The Phantom: Dad, we need you HERE! We MISS you!

And by "doing important work" The Phantom of course means "terrorizing people who might be terrorists, though they haven't actually been found guilty of anything, but those are just laws and who needs those ha ha."

Also, as The Phantom surely knows, it will never "end." There will always be bad people in the world, and thus he will always have an excuse to completely ignore his family. He can't help it! He's a hero!

*Second Phantom comic from 5-18-10.

The Phantom: Don't forget me, Walker!

All right, Savarna, that's not too bad. The key here is to maintain your composure and not sound too desperate. You've got to let him know that you'll always welcome him back into your life, but you don't want to--
NOOOOOOOOO...

The Phantom: You LOATHE pirates as much as I do, Walker! We can have a LIFE together!

It's true, though. All the best relationships really are built on a mutual abhorrence of others.

Also, The Phantom is a douche.

The Phantom: He'll be MINE FOREVER!

This is not a healthy relationship.

The Phantom: BOOM!

Ah yes. There's nothing like a little wanton violence and the sweet smell of briny death to put you in the mood for some loving.

The Phantom: FOOMP!

I think we all know that that giant torpedo in the first panel represents, am I right or am I right?

Ziggy: RELAX ... the Somali pirates aren't anywhere NEAR here!

This Ziggy is pretty funny when it's situated directly next to the above installment of The Phantom, as it is here and in my local paper.

Otherwise, of course, not so much.

The Phantom: And we WON'T let her down! We'll KEEP ON fighting EVIL!

"And SHAGGING hot ship CAPTAINS! And ABANDONING our CHILDREN! And using EXCLAMATION POINTS inappropriately!"

The Phantom: Kit and Heloise will grow up at SEA! With US!

And so The Phantom's new lover is almost certainly completely deranged.

But, you know, who doesn't dream wistfully about raising the children of men they've just met?