Marmaduke: I don't need any more cheering up.

This cartoon is hilarious because Marmaduke (or his expressionless, robotic doppelganger?) has brought a pack of ravenous dogs to devour the flesh of his dying owner.

Adam@Home: Hmm ... I remember the first time I read this. Good times.

So you author a newspaper comic strip that's read by hundreds of thousands of people every day. You have just drawn a strip, and you realize that you have an opportunity to namedrop a book. What book do you choose?

If you said anything other than Twilight, you are not actually the author of a newspaper comic strip.

Lola: CRASH!

Speaking of the vagaries of coloring black and white drawings, bang-up job on this guy's hair, Anonymous Colorist Dude.

Family Circus: Everybody get your 'God bless you's' ready. I'm 'bout to sneeze again.

Dolly's nose appears to be turning black. This could just be one of the vagaries of coloring black and white drawings, but I would prefer to believe that it's the beginning of a delightfully quaint narrative attempt to grapple with race relations.

Like this one:

Momma: Francis, I'm hoping you'll spend the evening with me.

In which Momma's subtext becomes about as explicit as is possible in the comics section.

Luann: So what's goin' on with you and Toni?

And so Luann is deeply interested in the details of her brother's sex life.

Of course she is.

Marmaduke: I asked Marmaduke to pick a card, and he ate it.

What makes this Marmaduke good (no, really!) is its directness. This is who Marmaduke is. This is what Marmaduke does. He is a gaping maw. He is the Destroyer. He might be sad about a particular act for a little while, as he appears to be in this cartoon, but only because he knows he's made his people sad. And he likes his people! But he can't change what he is. If you give him a card, he's going to eat it. If you leave some food unattended, he's going to eat it. If you bring over an unfamiliar friend, he's going to eat your friend. If you are happy, he's going to eat that happiness. He doesn't mean anything by it. It's just the way things are.

Cartoons such as this show Marmaduke to be a fatalistic symbol, a metaphor for the consuming power of the natural world. All things are temporal and pass away. Why? Because Marmaduke fucking eats them.

Family Circus: PJ's takin' a nap without bein' told. Is he allowed to do that?

There are basically four sides to Jeffy's personality. There's Jeffy the fucking idiot. There's Jeffy the douchebag. There's Jeffy the naked toddler. And there's Jeffy the psychotic murderer.

Today's cartoon features Jeffy the fucking idiot douchebag. This coupling is fairly common. I am still, however, patiently awaiting the day when Jeffy displays all four of his character traits in one cartoon. Because that will be the best Family Circus ever.

Dennis the Menace: You're pretty when you're mad, Mom.

This cartoon is hilarious because Mrs. Mitchell has rejected her son's sexual advances.

Considering that this is the comics section, doing so makes her a woman of especially strong moral character.

Family Circus: Miss McElfresh is very proud of me. We've had three days of school and I haven't missed ONE DAY yet.

Miss McElfresh's expectations have apparently been tempered by the last fifty years of Family Circus cartoons.