Born Loser: Mother is going to stop by for a visit this afternoon!

I'm really just sort of shocked there's a comic strip, or any piece of supposed entertainment in any medium in the world, that would actually be lazy enough to use this absurdly old joke in such a straight and unironic fashion.

And so, with that, The Born Loser has manage to undercut even my very lowest expectations. It's really kind of impressive, I guess.

Family Circus: Know what? Today is yesterday's tomorrow and it's tomorrow's yesterday.

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy's going to grow up to be a cult leader.

Shoe: What is the best thing about your mortuary business?

This is a very old joke, but it doesn't actually make a whole lot of sense. While the dead may not be able to complain, the relatives of the dead surely can.

Family Circus: But I don't know how to play it quiet.

This cartoon is hilarious because Thel was apparently unaware that drums are loud, suggesting that the stupidity so evident in her children is, in fact, a genetic condition.

Blondie: Bumstead's the only person in the office with a "Cheeseburger in Paradise" ringtone!!!

Nobody ever seems to believe me when I tell them that "Cheeseburger in Paradise" is actually a somewhat depressing song about existential longing. Look, the character in the song wants a cheeseburger. But he can't have it! He's stuck out on the ocean living off of sunflower seeds and carrot juice. And the song ends not with him actually reaching port and eating a cheeseburger, but with him crying out to God asking which way to steer, recalling nothing less than Christ on the cross demanding to know why his father has abandoned him. It's a song about how these things we wish for--heaven, salvation, cheeseburgers--are always just out of reach.

Dagwood relating so literally to the character and turning to the song as a form of wish-fulfillment is also somewhat depressing, so Blondie and Jimmy Buffet have that in common.

Something else they have in common, of course, is how much they suck. Which, for the record, is a lot.

Doonesbury: I know I'm pretty low on the food chain, but the truth is I do enable people to order unhealthy amounts of food.

Today's Doonesbury is just a good, solid example of the character-based humor that Gary Trudeau can do in his sleep. And this kind of thing is the reason the strip is so good. The political humor is fine, and I agree with most of it, but it's the impressively textured world that Trudeau has built that really makes the comic go.

It's also a nice piece of joke construction, with a lengthy, well-written set-up leading into a short, unexpected punchline.

Shoe: My ride cost over $250,000.

This comic is hilarious because public transportation is for poor people and godless city-dwellers and losers with small dicks, all of whom women hate.

Family Circus: The best way to get a hamster is to first ask for a pony.

This cartoon is hilarious because the Keane children are immoral and materialistic, perfectly willing to lie brazenly to manipulate their loved ones into buying them the things they want.

And have they ever been cuter?

Blondie: What do you put on your cheeseburgers?

Of course, as his facial expression in the final panel indicates, Dagwood talking about food on the internet is less like him logging onto Facebook and more like him logging into a chatroom wherein people share their fetishes with one another. That his children are watching him while he does this just adds to the, um, hilarity?

Marmaduke: My mom says even when Maramaduke was little, he wasn't little.

This cartoon is hilarious because Marmaduke is big.