Family Circus: I'm sorry. I think my fingers got away from me.

And so Jeffy has invented for himself yet another excuse for his murderous yearnings: a demon hand. This is more interesting than the werewolf delusion, but where will it end? At the sight of cranberry juice, will he imagine himself a vampire? Upon seeing a shooting star, will he imagine himself an alien? Will he never take responsibility for his own actions?

This should be seen as further evidence that Jeffy doesn't really want to be the monster he has become. Rather, it is the result of his idiotic nature and tortured childhood. We can only hope that someday, perhaps with Billy's help, he will find peace.

Luann: And maybe that's why he's with her instead of you.

The lesson here seems to be that men don't like loose women, even if the women in question would only be considered loose by, I don't know, a 1950s-era Lutheran minister.

So hear that, impressionable young girls? Don't be dirty little sluts like this girl here who's never had sex or had a boyfriend or probably even kissed anyone, okay? You should also remember to never wear glasses, as no boy will ever like you if you do.

If you'd like more advice similar to the above, I suggest you check out Hersteria, which culls its material from generations-old sex manuals as opposed to ridiculously behind the times comic strips.

Mark Trail: I think she's STILL ALIVE!

So it looks like I'm just getting most all of my Mark Trail predictions wrong, as this guy appears to be a perfectly upstanding citizen, what with the short hair and the overalls and all.

I did manage to get one thing right, though, and that's the SHOCKING PLOT TWIST that Sassy is STILL ALIVE!

Hagar the Horrible: I say the secret to success is to choose a job that will make you happy!

This comic is hilarious because Hagar is a high-functioning alcoholic and his wife hates him.

Get Fuzzy: Why did you think Don Quixote had fur?

Best. Malapropism. Ever.

Family Circus: Can't dinner be later?

Requesting a rescheduling of meal times is a rather minor manifestation of Dolly's eternal quest for power.

Bizarro: Does this outfit make me look gay?

This is what happens when a cartoonist wakes up in the morning and thinks to himself, "Are Brokeback Mountain jokes really all played out?"

Mark Trail: Sassy, excited about chasing a rabbit, runs onto a highway and is struck by a speeding car.

I'm actually rather fond of Sassy, so I don't terribly enjoy seeing her tiny puppy body thrown into the air and falling broken to the ground. That said, I do think the physics presented here are worth a bit of investigation and that things are perhaps not as they might at first seem.

In the first panel, we see Sassy running in the same direction as the car. This should make her fairly easy to avoid, but the driver still manages to hit her. This suggests to me some sort of evil plot, and we should probably not rule out the possibility that one of the Parker brothers--or some similarly long-haired hooligan--is the one behind the wheel.

In the second panel, we see that the impact of the collision has propelled Sassy high into the air. As this would not be the result of a normal collision, this is yet further evidence of foul play, suggesting as it does that the car must be equipped with something similar to a cow catcher. It's true that this is not apparent in the first panel, but that's probably just the result of poor drawing.

In the third panel, we find Sassy lying in the road disoriented, but otherwise seemingly uninjured. This suggests that Sassy was not the true target of this hit after all. Indeed, I believe this has all been part of an elaborate plot and that Sassy is nothing more than bait. The shaggy-haired perpetrator will now wait in the shadows for Rusty to find his poor, injured dog and run into the road after her. At which point this entire sequence will repeat itself, only this time it will be Rusty in mortal danger. Because what good's a Mark Trail story, anyway, if Rusty's not in mortal danger?

Cow and Boy: OK, I'm down for a water balloon fight.

Early twentieth century labor relations are always comedy gold. Also, posable taxidermied squirrels.

Lola and Pluggers: What do you suggest for a vegetarian?

The comics section is really giving vegetarians the old what for today, and I for one applaud the decision to roundly rebuke the tiny percentage of the population that finds eating dead animal flesh problematic for various ethical reasons.

Funky Winkerbean: The worse the grades ... the better the book.

Ho ho, take that Higher Education! Zing! This fictional college professor, made up by a cartoonist who appears to resent his old college professors, totally got the best of you!

Family Circus: I don't know if I'm rarin' to go, 'cause I don't know what rarin' means.

Jeffy has the limited vocabulary of a normal three-year-old. He's so stupid.* Ha ha ha!

*Of course, Jeffy really is an idiot. But not because he doesn't know what "raring" means.

Prickly City: It's the new paradigm, Carmen.

Is it wrong that I like the drawing in all the subsequent panels better than the regular drawing in the first?

Herb & Jamaal: Oh, Herb, I just LOVE shopping! I truly do!

Today's Herb and Jamaal is very exciting. First up is the "women love to shop" trope. And, oh, they "truly do." Then in the final two panels, we get some classic mother-in-law humor. The third trope is a little more tenuous, but I think a "doesn't marriage suck?" element is clearly present. Put it all together, and what we have here is a rare cliche trifecta.

It'll be a long time--though probably not long enough--before we see another one of these.

Family Circus: If these new running shoes don't make me run faster, can we get our money back?

Billy is trying to point out that lying is immoral, even in advertising. We should all laugh at him now for being so stupid.

Beetle Bailey: Aren't the stars beautiful tonight?

I don't think I've ever seen Beetle Bailey go in for such joke-free sentimentality before. We get this sort of thing in sister comic Hi and Lois from time to time, so maybe Mort Walker Inc. just made a mistake and this strip was supposed to feature Trixie and Dawg. In any event, I'm oddly fond of it, even if the artwork can't really match the sentiment.

Zits: Why do you get that approcing-a-waterfall-in-a-canoe look on your face whenever I want to talk to you?

Like most of the jokes in Zits, this joke is old. But like many of the jokes in Zits, it's also funny.

Herb & Jamaal: Dilated pupils signify intense interest in the subject at which they gaze.

Oh, those women sure do love to shop! Ha ha!

I also have serious doubts as to whether those first two (or even three) panels are necessary in any way.

Family Circus: Know what, Grandma? I even enjoy doing nothing with you.

This is so, so creepy.

But setting that aside, it would appear that Grandma Keane is the only person Dolly sees fit to acquiesce to. Given that, I can only assume that Grandma K has been grooming Dolly ever since she was an infant to fulfill the potential a sexist social order prevented Grandma K from achieving herself and become dictator of the world.

Dennis the Menace: Mind if we stay with YOU till it stops?

Dennis the Menace has been dipping its toe into some pretty heady material lately, and today's cartoon just continues the trend. At first glance, this might just seem like an innocent cartoon about a young boy and his dog who got caught out in a rain storm and are seeking some temporary shelter from their surly neighbor. But given the last few weeks, it's quite clear that the rain is a metaphor for Dennis' difficult home life and the shelter he's seeking a desperate cry for help. It's pretty dark stuff.

Beetle Bailey: Do you think he's "on" something?

Sarge is apparently so pathetic that he takes steroids so he can dominate his intramural softball league.

This is not surprising.

Family Circus: Have you seen my bug, Mommy? It's this big, it's black and it has wings.

This cartoon is hilarious because Jeffy lost his new pet before he was finished torturing it to death.

He hadn't even ripped off the wings yet!

Slylock Fox: Slylock knows where Randy Racoon placed the ring so it would not be found on him.

It's always nice to see a full-throated defense of cavity searches in the comics section.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith: Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud!

Despite what the music suggests, are we really supposed to believe the mice are running away in mass panic merely because Maw and Paw are square dancing? Sure, they may have started out dancing, but we all know what that leads to. And is there any more romantic a sound than the sweet, sexy twang of country music, combined with the pitter-patter of little mouse feet?

Pickles: I don't like to leave Earl unsupervised for too long.

This comic is hilarious because Opal would like to murder her husband in cold blood.

Blondie: Ready? Ready for what?

Looking through the archives, it appears that Blondie is the rare comic that's at its worst in the Sunday strips. Never a bastion of originality, Sunday's the day when Dean Young Inc. breaks out their hoariest old tropes. Today we get the always hilarious "Ha ha, men can't remember dates that are important to their wives!" joke, previously used all of two weeks ago.