Family Circus: It's OK for you and Granddad to use our beds. Jeffy likes bein' on the cot and I get to sleep in a SLEEPIN' BAG!

Take a good look at Grandma and Granddad's faces.*

Now, pity them.

*Incidentally, this is also what my face has looked like ever since I started writing this blog.

Drabble: Panel

Could this Drabble possibly be as horrifying as the final panel, shown at left with dialog removed, suggests?

Probably not, but judge for yourself.

Cathy: Cute scarf! How much?

This comic is hilarious because women are slaves to their consumer hormones. They just can't help themselves! They don't mean to be inferior to men! Aack!

Reality Check: In MY day, we didn't have Twittering! We had "twiddling." That's right! We twiddled our thumbs. And we LIKED it. We liked it fine!

This is the essence of every comic strip about Twitter ever.

Marmaduke: Can't we just shake hands ... er ... paws ... uh ... know what I mean?

This cartoon is hilarious because Marmaduke is about to rape his owner.

Cow and Boy: How could I be so naive?

When Cow and Boy's not being completely batshit insane, it has an awful lot in common with Calvin and Hobbes.*

*I mean every part of that sentence as a compliment.

Herb & Jamaal: It doesn't take wealth or fame to impress a woman!

This comic is hilarious because women are superficial.

Family Circus: ...and hang your jammies right down here.

This cartoon is hilarious because Grandma doesn't actually have jammies, as she likes to sleep in the nude, which is something you'd think Jeffy would understand.

Mark Trail: Do you think you would like to work on the side of the law?

It's good to see Jack Elrod acknowledging the complexities of life and refusing to let his readers off the hook with pat endings that...

Oh. Never mind.

Garfield and The Family Circus: I wish the Pilgrims had sent out for PIZZA on the first Thanksgiving 'stead of shootin' a turkey.

Is this really going to be Billy's future? Is he really destined to lead the sad, sad life of a Jon Arbuckle? And after I had such high hopes for him?

Herb & Jamaal: I'm just happy 'cause it's not me.

This comic is hilarious because all marriages are miserable, probably because women are shrewish and annoying.

BC: They said, if I don't get a turkey, they're gonna eat me instead!

The corpse of Johnny Hart seems oddly fond of jokes that involve human beings consuming one another's flesh.

Pluggers: WOW!

This cartoon is hilarious because pluggers have somehow managed to delude themselves into believing that they are actually, despite all evidence to the contrary, pretty darn cool.

Non Sequitur: Won't post my thoughts on your blog for cash.

Wiley's slow transformation into Gary Brookins is dangerously close to fruition.

Pickles: I meant that as a compliment!

This comic is hilarious because Earl is fellating himself.

Cathy and The Family Circus: I like Bobby Flay's pomegranite glaze with goat cheese stuffing!

Here we see contrasting views of old people. In Cathy, old people are depicted as having given in completely to the consumer culture of cooking shows and processed foods, leading Cathy of all people--that archetype of the female, baby boomer consumption machine--to get nostalgic for the good old days when people made their meals with their hands.

Meanwhile, in The Family Circus, old people are shown to live up to Cathy's ideal, as Grandma makes a pumpkin pie from scratch, smiling pitifully at Dolly's idiotic nattering about the instant desserts she takes for granted.

Given that The Family Circus largely exists to massage old people's egos, it's not hard to guess which of these comics is presenting a more realistic view of the modern geriatric cook.

The Phantom: Kit and Heloise need structure now! A new life!

This comic is hilarious because The Phantom is pretending that he's concerned for his children's welfare, when, in fact, he's abandoning them for the sake of an obviously selfish pursuit of vengeance.

Herb & Jamaal: I can't believe you told your mother that I nag you!

This comic is hilarious because women are shrewish and annoying.

Family Circus: Not now! Grandma and Granddad have to unpack and take a rest.

In the next exciting installment of The Family Circus: The Keane children sit patiently outside the door, waiting for their grandparents--whom they love very much!--to awaken so that they can partake in some good old-fashioned family fun.

Shoe: Yikes! Did I just blog that out loud?

This comic is hilarious because it's becoming increasingly clear that Gary Brookins does not understand how anything on the Internet works.

Dennis the Menace: Playing house is getting more difficult. I have to juggle a family, marriage and a career.

Oh, feminism, what hath thou wrought?

In the next exiting installment of Dennis the Menace: After discussing the burdens of raising another doll with Dennis, Margaret pays a visit Dr. Ted E. Bear to play abortion.

Baby Blues: Tony, the kid who never goes home.

The Family Circus used this gag a while back. Who wants to take odds against Baby Blues doing it better?

Family Circus: I can't come out--my grandma and granddad just got here and I get to play with THEM.

Keane Inc. generally depicts the Keane kids as horrifying little gremlins bent on destroying their parents' lives.

They have a completely different relationship with their grandparents, however. Indeed, the Keane kids seem to be obsessed with loving and respecting and helping and spending lots of time with and extolling the wisdom of their grandparents. It's almost as though Keane Inc. were tailoring its characters' behavior to indulge the fantasies of a certain a demographic that makes up a large portion of The Family Circus' readership. Odd, that.

Mark Trail: I couldn't have let them kill Rusty's little dog!

Somebody who follows Mark Trail more closely than myself remind me, was Bob directly involved in leaving an unconscious Mark to get eaten by alligators or only tangentially involved in leaving an unconscious Mark to get eaten by alligators?

Either way, Bob clearly seems to have his priorities straight.

Mallard Fillmore: ...An armed gunman with ties to a radical Muslim cleric has just attacked a shopping mall...

On the other hand, La Cucaracha doesn't usually make me recoil in abject horror like today's Mallard Fillmore just did. But that's probably just because I'm a squishy liberal who opposes, um, killing Muslims with my bare hands or something?

La Cucaracha: Meet MILES STANDISH JR.

La Cucaracha continually proves that glib liberal tropes are every bit as annoying as glib conservative tropes.

Family Circus: I'll bet Mommy starts crying.

The grandparents here probably feel pretty special right now. And well they should. The Keane kids haven't been this excited, after all, since that time they found a deck of playing cards.

Beetle Bailey: If they could only see themselves.

This comic is hilarious because Sarge lulls himself to sleep with fried chicken and some sort of pornography that involves trumpets.