Mallard Fillmore: Who needs something that completely ignores you while expecting to be fed?

Oh, Mallard Fillmore, it's a good thing you're an adorable duck, or you're hatred of women would be really offensive.

Mark Trail: WHAT?

Five hundred dollars is a pretty darn good reward for a yellow Dalmatian puppy, but Greedy McMustache here is having none of it. Cherry is either shocked or on the verge of tears. It's hard to tell which.

Hi and Lois: Why are so many of the movies these days SEQUELS?

Everyone's so miserable in the HiandLoisverse that they can't even enjoy Toy Story 3.

This is not surprising, but it is sad.

Family Circus: I think we need to hem the sleeves on these pants.

Pants don't have sleeves, Jeffy's an idiot, etc., etc.

Beetle Bailey: There sure are a lot of hazards around Camp Swampy.

And so decapitated heads rolling around the roads are apparently commonplace in the world of Beetle Bailey.

This is not surprising.

Family Circus: We gotta wake Daddy. I found a spider that needs to be taken care of.

Bill will awaken shortly from yet another failed attempt to smother himself with his pillow and finally come to the understanding that maybe, just maybe, he is already in Hell.

Drabble: Dad, what would a cartoonist DO if he lost his glasses?

I am rather amused by today's Drabble. This has never happened before. I'm not entirely sure what to do.

Boffo: If dinosaurs were as insightful as they were powerful.

I like this comic better when it's called Dinosaur Comics.

9 Chickweed Lane: So what did you and Kiesl do on your last day?

This is 9 Chickweed Lane, so those middle panels are probably a metaphor. But, you know, what mother wouldn't want to tell her daughter in the most graphic detail possible about the time she sucked a Nazi's balls?

My Cage:Did you hear about Sal, the slug from accounting? He died.

My Cage is really on a roll lately.

Family Circus: There you go! Come on by, Mommy! I'm not gonna squirt you!

Billy the moralistic prophet would really like his daddy to stop looking at Internet pornography.

Hi and Lois: 24-hour free delivery!

This cartoon is hilarious because Lois has mistaken a themed escort service for an actual babysitting service.

Hi seems to know what's going on, however.

The Phantom: Where is he tonight? Is he thinking of me?

Oh, Savarna, when will you learn? The Phantom thinks of nothing but simple, wanton violence.

Pluggers: Can you hear me?!

This Pluggers raises the question as to what happens when a domesticated bear, used to all the comforts of lower-middle class near-modernity, is stranded out in the wilderness. Will he simply curl up into the fetal position and die? Or will he revert to his feral roots, foraging for berries and honey, and dining on the raw meat of any remaining uncivilized forest creatures?

Sally Forth: And what are those?

I've mentioned before that the fellow who draws Sally Forth is a relative genius for his decision to solve the foot-drawing problem by always dressing his characters' feet in socks. The person who colors Sally Forth apparently hasn't caught on however, leading to a situation in which the cartoonist's genius is more or less nullified, as a normal comics reader who doesn't pay close attention to these things* would simply see Hillary's feet in the first panel as yet another foot-drawing abortion.

*read: virtually anyone who is not me.

My Cage: I wrote the paper to have that "Snarky McPlatypus" comic you like dropped.

There are times when I think that My Cage is maybe just a little too meta. But then it goes meta again, and I laugh again. And then the whole process repeats.

It's pretty stupid on my part, actually.

Mark Trail: I put her in the pen with several other dogs!

Now would probably be a good time for Mark Trail: Animal Behavior Expert to explain to Sally the fat animal collector that putting several stray dogs who are completely unfamiliar with each other all together in a single enclosure is actually a really freaking terrible idea.

Luann: It's an adult fair.

And so Brad and Toni are headed off to the local porn fair. Brad is especially anxious to see the car fucking attraction.

Family Circus: This book is good! I think I'll like it een more when I learn to read.

Shockingly, Jeffy is not an advanced learner.

Pearls Before Swine: What happened here?

One of my favorite things about Pearls Before Swine (and I have many favorite things about Pearls Before Swine) is the matter-of-fact way it deals with death. It doesn't trivialize death; rather it simply acknowledges death's always looming presence. And, of course, when all your characters are animals who would ostensibly be eating one another, death becomes an even more omnipresent threat than in the real world.

The Phantom: I could fix the Walker family!

When last we checked in with The Phantom, our titular hero had ventured into hack comedy. It was perhaps the greatest thing ever.

Now, however, the crazy, pirate-hating, booty-bearing love interest has returned. And as the above comic shows, she's just as obsessive and frightening as ever. She is also, of course, extremely stupid. At the very least, she should realize that The Phantom is never going to spend any time with his damn kids.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith: Oops ag'in!!

Here we see Doc "lonching" on the recently extracted liver of a local alcoholic. Loweezy is pretty shocked, but what's she going to do? When you live in Hootin' Holler, you pretty much have to take whatever medical help you can get.

Pluggers and Rubes: When pluggers diet, belly flab is the last to go.

I don't really have much to say about these cartoons, other than that they both creep me the hell out. The elderly Cheshire cat's creepiness is probably obvious, but the plugger's creepiness has to do with the juxtaposition of tiny, middle-aged human legs and a giant rhinoceros head. It's just not natural.
In general, Pluggers is why I, for one, continue to strongly support the second President Bush's opposition to human-animal hybrids.

Non Sequitur: The discovery of the Ekert continues...

And so this is apparently going to be a really long story about an elephant-fairy that eats bad thoughts.

What the fuck are you doing, Wiley?

Herb & Jamaal: While you're at it, get some fire insurance, too.

Ah, eternal conscious torment, when will you cease to amuse?

Family Circus: No, Daddy, I don't like my peanut butter to have peanuts in it.

This cartoon is hilarious because Dolly prefers creamy peanut butter, but said so in such a way that it could be interpreted by a very stupid person like her father to mean she would prefer peanut butter that was made out of something other than peanuts.

Blondie: Maybe a nice hug would help.

And so Dagwood and Mr. Dithers have finally consummated their love. We exit with Dagwood pondering just what to do next. Keep their passionate affair a secret to spare his long-time wife's feelings or follow his desire and destroy his marriage? Regardless of what he decides, nothing will ever be quite the same again.

Hagar the Horrible: This is a great place to practice sand shots!

I'm really hoping that this is the beginning of an extended storyline in which Hagar goes slowly insane, hitting endless imaginary golf balls into the ocean and muttering wildly for Helga to bring him his dinner. It will no doubt all culminate with Hagar finally killing Eddie, eating his flesh and using his bones to somehow create a themed mini golf course.

Family Circus: I forget. Am I hiding or seeking?

Despite reading The Family Circus every single day for over a year now, the depth of Jeffy's idiocy continues to surprise and amaze me.

Curtis: Every year it's the same ol' thing!!

Though the dialog suggests that Curtis is merely going to give his brother a swirly, the action clearly indicates that the dialog is clever misdirection and that Curtis is actually going to hurl Barry out a window.

This would be somewhat unfortunate, as Curtis' interactions with Barry sometimes amuse me. But it wouldn't be that unfortunate.

Pearls Before Swine: Dear life...

The tag I have here is "Melancholy," but this comic may cross that threshold and become something else entirely. Regardless, my favorite part may be the tacked-on nature of the punchline, which is funny only insomuch as it provides relief from the relentless darkness that came before.

Family Circus: I think Barfy decided he doesn't like fireworks!

And so, after owning their dog for something like 50 years, the Keanes were still unaware that he is terrified of loud sounds and should probably not be taken to the park to watch the fireworks. They are the worst dog owners ever. They are also idiots.

None of this is surprising.