Family Circus: Wow! Your new chair's comfortable and the perfect size! Right, Daddy?

It's really the "Right, Daddy?" that makes Billy's clearly intentional torture of his father all the more delicious.

You deserve it, Bill. You deserve it all.

Family Circus: Our lawn is the best! We've got more little yellow flowers than anyone else.

On second thought, maybe Dolly will stage a Yellow Revolution. Let a thousand flowers bloom and all that.

Luann: The moon was full and the front door was wide open.

Yep, definitely top 20. Almost certainly top 5, in fact. Here's a list of disturbing shit going on in this Luann storyline:

1. Luann has seen Gunther naked.
2. Luann keeps making flirtatious remarks about it.
3. Luann keeps making flirtatious facial expressions behind Gunther's back.
4. Gunther's legs are kind of beautiful.
5. Gunther is wearing a worm costume...
6. which signifies his emotional state.
   
7. Gunther's worm costume makes it appear as though he has a giant fucking cock.
8. Luann used the phrase, "The moon was full and the front door was wide open." I'm not entirely sure what it means, but I never, ever want to see it again.
   

Crock: I feel out of touch with my men.

Someone has to do something about Crock. And it seems to me that the perfect thing to do is to strike the pose of a baptist grandmother and write angry letters to countless newspapers and websites complaining about this character that quite clearly has testicles hanging from his face. The innocence of our children depends upon us!

Hi and Lois: I don't like to profile...

After taking aim at communist libraries a few weeks ago, Hi and Lois gives us a very clever defense of racial profiling today. Trixie doesn't LIKE to profile, but who can really deny that buzzing bugs (or darker-skinned human beings) are scarier than fluttering bugs (or lighter-skinned human beings)? It's just the way things are. It's not even really "profiling" at all. It's just the natural order of things, you know?

Family Circus: Gosh, Daddy! They sure gave you a lot of homework today.

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy, like his idiot brother, is a pathetic weakling.

Curtis: Maybe your tastes and mindset are CHANGING, Curtis! Maybe, in a way, you're growing up!

It's so true that nobody listens to the music they listened to when they were younger once they've grown up. That's why there aren't any classic rock radio stations around.

Family Circus: Boys have an Adam's apple, so girls have an Eve's apple.

Oh, you like the way the human body is biologically designed? Well, that's tough, because when Dolly rules the world, shit is gonna change.

Dennis the Menace: There's one that God'll hafta replace.

Some people out there say that the titular Dennis in Dennis the Menace is not menacing enough. But look at what's going on in this cartoon: Dennis is literally destroying celestial bodies with his mind and daring God to replace them. If that's not menacing, I don't know what is.

9 Chickweed Lane: I can tell from your salute.

I've been strongly considering saying nice things about the recent strips in this extremely long 9 Chickweed Lane storyline, which have greatly improved upon and even partially redeemed some of the more problematic strips from early in the story. But that will have to wait, because when Brooke McEldowney wanted to use a flashback to depict Edie fondly reminiscing about Bill in the midst of struggling to decide who to marry, McEldowney decided to go with the fucking hard-on joke.

This is not the first time he has made an odd artistic choice that undermined the dramatic momentum he had been building, and it probably won't be the last.

Luann: LOOK AWAY!!

The lack Gunther-on-Tiffany action will disappoint many of my most frequent visitors, but Luann's facial expression in the final panel here suggests that this storyline could still land somewhere within the list of the top 20 most disturbing Luann storylines. It really all depends on where it goes from here.

Boffo: If this porch is a rockin', don't come a knockin'.

The humor quotient of this cartoon depends entirely upon whether you find raccoon sex inherently funny.

I can't really decide, myself, but I'm leaning toward no.

Family Circus: Can I have a friend over? I don't have anybody to play with.

And so Billy hates his siblings.

This is the least surprising news ever.

Family Circus: Why do I hafta go to bed when the sun is still awake?

Having finally caught on to her idiot son's murderous rampages, Thel seeks to contain Jeffy in the only way she can imagine. It's unlikely, however, that mere daylight will prevent Jeffy from trying to fulfill his insatiable bloodlust.

Beetle Bailey: Its says bark at Beetle, root out his deadwood and kick his ash.

This whole comic is a huge reach and I didn't really laugh or anything, but whatever. Beetle Bailey: pushing the boundaries, getting around the censors, risking angry letters from Baptist grandmothers. What's next, Mort Walker Inc? Miss Buxley lounging naked as the entire camp scampers across her bare skin?

Luann: I'll try the side door.

If Tiffany and Gunther are having sex in the library, it will be one of the top twenty or so most disturbing Luann storylines of all time.

Mark Trail: Hey, Mildred, take a look at this.

On the one hand, this fellow's dialog suggests that he will continue on his path of evil. On the other hand, the way he shaved off his facial hair right in the middle of this conversation provides what is surely an even stronger indicator that he is already in the process of turning his evil, animal-hating life around.

Pluggers: A plugger's investment portfolio is a scrapbook full of pictures of collectible plates.

Pluggers live sad, desperate lives.

Better Half: I automatically prescribe antidepressants to anyone who's been married as long as you have.

This cartoon is hilarious because marriage makes people depressed and drives them to suicide.

Family Circus: Map of Another Oh-Pun Country by Billy

Billy's knowledge of pop culture figures is quite impressive for a 5-year-old.

Also, I'm glad to see that Keane Inc. thought this was such a good idea after doing it the first time that they wanted to do it again.