Close to Home: I think it's going to be a pass play.

This cartoon is hilarious because this play could not possibly work.

Ziggy: ...I don't know what you've been doing with it, ...but it's bored stiff!

This is what happens when you masturbate mainly to images of bran flakes.

Family Circus: If the pictures in this calendar are right, this year's gonna be very pretty.

And so, after subjugating both God and Santa Claus, Dolly has now set her sights on controlling the physical qualities of the Earth.

As long as she believes in global warming, I might actually wish her luck in this new endeavor.

Drabble: It seems like there's always something violent and bloody on every channel!

Yes, that iCarly, for example, sure is violent and bloody.

Peanuts: See? What did I tell you?

Happy New Year.

Mark Trail: MARK AND RUSTY ARE HOME!

As Cherry's behavior here indicates, when left alone, all good women-objects should stare plaintively out their windows until their men return home to them, at which point they should leap up and greet them excitedly.

You know, like dogs.

Herb & Jamaal: ...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...

Stephen Bentley's New Year's resolution was apparently to make his comic strip just a bit more blatantly sexist.

Hagar the Horrible: Could you make the new one tall, dark and very wealthy?

Helga is no doubt fantasizing about Mark Trail, as that's the sort of thing female comic strip characters are into apparently.

Family Circus: Want some li'l sandwiches an' olives an' 'tato chips, Mommy? Just walk into Haney's--they're havin' open house!

Isn't this gluttonous thievery adorable?

Basically the whole comics section: You can't go to bed now!

These comics are all hilarious because midnight sure does come late, doesn't it?

Mark Trail: I think you're going to have a lot to tell them!

Ha ha, yes, what with the ALMOST DYING HORRIBLY AND ALL.

Crankshaft: It's frozen corn.

This comic is hilarious because Crankshaft's being an enormous fucking asshole.

The baffling thing is that, say you live next to an enormous fucking asshole. Why would you invite him to your party? Are you that lonely and pathetic? It wouldn't seem so, as there are other people there. Or maybe they're all enormous fucking assholes too, as that's the only kind of person you can get to come to your parties? But that doesn't make sense because enormous fucking assholes generally don't want to attend parties and only do so by accident, like Crankshaft. So maybe you're just a masochist? Or an idiot? Or a character/plot device in a comic strip?

Family Circus: We'll help you movie it, Mommy!

The awful smirk on Dolly's face in the bottom panel is almost too cruel for words. Thel doesn't stand a chance.

Jeffy, of course, thinks this is actually how you move a couch.

Better Half: If cold air came in an aerosol can, would it cause global warming?

This cartoon is hilarious because cold air does come in an aerosol can, and it does contribute to global warming.

BC: Spawning Season.

Amazingly (disturbingly?) enough, this is the third--yeah, the third--occurrence of fish-fucking in the comics section since I started this blog.

Get Fuzzy: the foLowiN messij Haz BiN BRot to yoo By Buckco.

You don't seriously need me to explain why this is the funniest comic of the day, do you?

Family Circus: Mommy's dressin' up her ears. That means we're not going.

Since it's unlikely that Thel would bother wasting her time by dressing up for her ungrateful louse of husband, she is apparently having an affair. Finally.

Get Fuzzy: Alright, mate? Dead fish for an ear rub and that?

Is there a consensus opinion out there amongst Get Fuzzy fans on the value of Mac Manc McManx? Because I love him, but I could envision a lot of people hating him.

Also, does this count as soliciting prostitution?

Drabble: Isn't that a little bit long for a thank you note?

This comic is hilarious because of the women with all their talkativeness and whatnot.

Mark Trail: Mark, am I glad to see you!

And so, after reaching its apex with a little lawman-beating fisticuffs, this story has rapidly turned to suck. It was inevitable, but it's still kind of sad to see.

Lest we forget, it all began with this. At which point Mark drove off what appeared to be a cliff. Only it turned out to be a two-foot-high rock bank. But then there was the very dangerous combination of a flat tire and a frolicking puppy. At which point Rusty got hurt. OH NO, THE JACK IS BROKEN! At which point Mark breaks into a convenience store. Where he gets hit on the head with a wrench by a walking, talking plot device who gives way to the cigar-chomping sheriff seen above. Who throws Mark in jail as Rusty continues to melt rapidly. Fisticuffs! More melting Rusty. Grand theft auto! And now, here we are, with Mark and the Sheriff teaming up to save Rusty's no-doubt magically restored body. Like I said, inevitable but sad.

Mallard Fillmore: If President Bush had said this, you'd still be hearing about it. At the impeachment hearings.

Ha ha! Because it's the Democrats who impeach presidents for saying stupid things.

Family Circus: I'm so happy, if I was a doggy my tail would be waggin'!

And Jeffy knows a thing or two about wagging his tail.

Better Half: Spray some deodorant, drive your car, burn some coal, cut down a tree ... If it causes global warming, go for it!

This cartoon is hilarious because the bird doesn't understand how global warming works, either.

Beetle Bailey: I'm a human being, darn it! Not a punching bag!

The image in the second panel of this Beetle Bailey comic is seriously the most disturbing thing I've ever seen in the comics section. Upon seeing it, I was fairly certain for a moment that the punchline was going to involve Sarge murdering Beetle and stuffing his body to use as a punching bag. Of course, something like that could never get by the censors, but even the actual punchline does very little to stem the really rather horrifying implications of the drawing.

BC: Monopoly 2009 Edition

This comic is hilarious because the corpse of Johnny Hart is taking anachronism to impressive new heights.

Family Circus: Year-End "Rememberies"

This cartoon is hilarious because these are seriously the finest examples of their own work that Keane Inc. could find from the past year.

*Comics Section commentary on the individual cartoons here, here, here and here.