Family Circus: It's okay, Mommy. I didn't spill ALL my grape juice.

"And besides, even if I did, it was just my demon-werewolf hand. Please don't get angry oh nooooooo..."

Family Circus: Daddy, are you feelin' under the weather or over the weather.

Only someone as cruel as Dolly Keane would taunt a man as he lay weeping over the shattered remnants of his life.

Dennis the Menace: You must have a REALLY strong tongue. Mom says it gets lots of exercise.

Either Henry and Alice are resorting to drastic measures in an attempt to breathe new life into their troubled relationship or Alice has given up on men entirely. Either way, Dennis should probably not be privy to this information.

Mark Trail: Dog hairs and skid marks ... this doesn't look good!

Mark Fucking Trail does not sugarcoat. To Mark's eyes, Sassy's probably died a horrible death, and Rusty needs to know, preferably in gruesome detail. Sure, he might cry at first. But if he does, Mark will just punch him in the face. Henceforth, Rusty will be a man, and not the hideous little boy he is today.

Family Circus: This'll be quicker if I wear a long-sleeve shirt tomorrow.

Question of the Day: Why do Bill and Thel force Billy to bathe in a tiny sink?

a.) For the same reason they force him to wear tiny shoes.
b.) Because Jeffy's always using the bathtub.
c.) Because they're punishing him for attempting to live a moral and upright life.
d.) None of the above.

If you choose d, I'm going to have to ask you to specify.

Curtis: Wow, look at Dad GO!!

Yep, definitely horrifying.

Tomorrow, of course, we're going to make the wacky and hilarious discovery that it's just their parents dancing the salsa or something. I hope.

9 Chickweed Lane: Ich liebe dich.

This is actually very similar to the way I asked my wife to marry me (excepting the whole "Let's move to Austria" thing), so I'm glad to see it held up here as an example of a romantic proposal.

Speaking of 9 Chickweed Lane, I had a number of issues with the early portion of this story, but as it's gone along, it has improved a great deal. Since many of my past complaints had to do with what I saw as questionable depictions of gender relations, it seems only fair to point out that Brooke McEldowney has done a good job over the last month showing Edie moving on and living her life as a fully capable and independent human being. Of course, we're also told that she was waiting for Bill the whole time, but that's more a trapping of genre than anything else; she was waiting for Bill, but both Bill and Keisl were also waiting for her. This is a love triangle, after all.

Keisl is far preferable to Bill, by the way. So of course she'll end up with Bill.

Family Circus: Daddy, can we put a squiggly bulb in rather than a fat one?

If Dolly ever does take over the world, there's some evidence to suggest that she takes environmental concerns seriously. So whatever our horrible fate under her reign might entail (and I'm quite sure that it will be horrible), at least we're unlikely to die in a worldwide ecological disaster.

Dennis the Menace: I know you do miracles. Mr. Wilson says it'll take a big one to squeeze ME into heaven.

This cartoon is hilarious and adorable because Mr. Wilson has just told Dennis that he is going to Hell, and now Dennis is pleading with God to spare him from an eternity of conscious torment.

Better Half: Lost your patience? Look in your purse. You keep everything else in there!

Women and their big purses! Ha!

Oh, Better Half, you're so clever and original.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith: Th' newlyweds are fightin' already?

An evil mother-in-law and marital discord would be hilarious enough, but it's the subtle implication of domestic violence right at the end that really takes this Snuffy Smith to the next level.

Family Circus: But I'M not sleepy!

Jeffy is tired. This has, of course, made Thel extremely angry.

Marmaduke: Luther! Guess who just got home from vacation.

It would seem that Luther is having what can only be described as a very bad day. In the first place, his wife appears to be transforming into some sort of pig-creature. And in the second place, she is apparently in cahoots with Marmaduke, who at this very moment is scaling the fence, no doubt in an effort to feast on Luther's sweet, succulent flesh with his new pig-creature friend.

Blondie: I still can't believe a baseball player turned down 25 million dollars a year!

While we may never discover just what exactly it is that Dagwood does for work, today's comic rather definitively rules out the possibility that he is any sort of agent.

Also, yes, how we all miss the good old days when baseball players played for the love of the game and died penniless wretches, while team owners did everything they could to avoid paying them more, all the while getting filthy rich off of their labors.* Truly, that was the natural order of things.

*To some extent, of course, this is as questionable a myth as the one Dagwood peddles above. The question is, why is Dagwood's myth so much more popular nowadays?

Beetle Bailey: Better call the doctor.

In the next exciting episode of Beetle Bailey: Everyone watches in horror as the last physician left in Camp Swampy dies a slow and agonizing death, the realization dawning on each of them that their next hilarious pratfall could be their last.

My Cage: The baby's coming.

And this, ladies and gentleman, is how you subvert a trope.

Cigars all around.

Family Circus: I'd make a good teacher, Mommy...

Could Dolly really be setting her sights so low? What happened to all that ruthless ambition? Was it that one little misstep? Or has the crushing male hegemony finally beaten her down and broken her dreams of world domination?

Curtis: I found this shoebox marked "Private" in the back of Mom and Dad's bedroom closet!

I'm not sure whether to be impressed or horrified that Curtis is going to the sex tape well. And let us be clear, while this VHS is almost certainly not going to turn out to be an actual sex tape,* we are clearly meant to make the association.

So, yeah, I'm leaning toward horrified.

*Unless the next week's worth of comics just involve Curtis and Barry hunting in vain for a VCR.