Marmaduke: No, you won't. I'll go and apologize.

Marmaduke is often the brunt of jokes--and often the brunt of my jokes--but it is far from the worst comic in the comics section. It's generally at its best when it goes for the absurd, but today's is funny mostly for the overexcited expression on Phil's face.

Mark Trail: A rabbit darts from under the shed and Sassy excitedly gives chase.

New prediction: Rusty will get bitten by a rabid bunny. Mark will save his life by shrinking himself, entering Rusty's body, and punching rabies in the face.

Family Circus: PJ and I made you toast and jelly for breakfast, but we ate it.

Jeffy's education of PJ accelerates, as Thel's life continues to suck.

Dennis the Menace: Wow, Dad! Do your "golf words" work on the mower, too?

Henry's sexual frustration appears to be negatively effecting him in his day-to-day life. Dennis just wants him to go away.

Blondie: Full conact golf!

And so Herb and Dagwood have finally found an outlet for all that sexual tension.

Mark Trail: Sassy, don't be such a SISSY.

Ooh, today's Mark Trail suggests that Rusty might get crushed under a house! That would be exciting!

My Cage: I've been hooking up with my ex-boyfriend out of boredom.

Apparently, the Cageverse is more humane than the Pluggerverse.

This is not surprising.

Herb & Jamaal: Oh, man, I just found a gray hair!

If Herb were just being an asshole, this comic wouldn't be all that funny. But because Herb is specifically being an asshole to his mother-in-law, it is hilarious.

Family Circus: No way did I do it. I can draw a lot better than that!

In a shocking twist, Thel is angry. Billy, meanwhile, helpfully points out that she is also an idiot.

Dennis the Menace: If you're the boss of the house, how come you hafta play cards in the basement.

Henry and Alice appear to have come to some sort of reconciliation, in which Henry will live in the basement for the foreseeable future.

Dennis can be seen here rubbing salt in the festering sore that is Henry's life.

Family Circus: I left my shirt untucked so I don't need a napkin.

Jeffy's plan is to disguise those annoying blood spatters with soup stains. Of course, it probably would have been more likely to succeed had he not announced it before hand. Alas, he is an idiot.

Garfield: Why do I even bother to keep myself up?

Here we see Garfield attempting to seduce Jon, trying to recapture the good old days, back when Jon was even more pathetic and lonely than he is now. Back when he would occasionally have a few too many with his microwave dinner and forget the arbitrary rules of decorum that define relationships between man and pet. Back when they were young. Back when Garfield was happy.

Mark Trail: There's nothing to it, and it will make you smell pretty!

And so it's time for one of those lulls in between adventures. Here we see Rusty performing household chores. Not very exciting! To make things more interesting, I like to guess what stupid and horrible mess Rusty's going to get himself into next, thus kick-starting the next adventure. Today's cartoon suggests that it might involve almost drowning himself in a small tub of water.

Pluggers: A plugger has a problem finding a ribbon for his old Smith-Corona typewriter.

Let me Google that for any pluggers out there.

Family Circus: No, but how 'bout we play Hide-and-DON'T-Seek.

And Jeffy wasn't seen again for nearly three and half years.

Turns out, he was hiding behind the furnace in the cellar the whole time, living off of rats and rain water.

Boffo: A big part of the reason Picasso always had a hard time keeping studio partners

It would appear that Jeff Martin is confusing Pablo Picasso for Randall Munroe.

It would also appear that Martin loves all of my least favorite tropes, as this comic contains the always hilarious (false) premise that abstract art isn't real art.

Peanuts: What do you do with all the pictures of your hero when he gets sent down to the minors?

Peanuts is good. That is all.

Family Circus: We're makin' Mother's Day cards at school! But we're not to tell a soul, 'cause it's a secret!

Judging by her speech patterns, Dolly has the soul of a posh eighty-year-old lady trapped inside her body, struggling with limited success to get out.

I have to admit that I didn't see that one coming.

Buckles: I'm safe from that vacuum here!

As it turns out, torturing defenseless animals is even more hilarious when adults partake thereof.*

*Not really!

Ziggy: The businessman's lunch is just like the regular lunch, sir ... except that the government eats half of it!

Ziggy's evidently getting an early start on the tax humor this year.

In fairness, though, this cartoon raises an important point. Given his druthers, a businessman would obviously share half of his meal with other people. This is called "trickle-down nutrition." But because the government steals that half of his meal, he's forced to keep all of his remaining food for himself. And so we see, because of this confiscatory socialist action, everybody but the businessman starves. Until eventually there's nobody left to prepare the businessman's food. And so then the businessman starves too. And so then everybody's dead.

This is a perfect metaphor for economics.

Family Circus: How many one-of-a-kinds are there?

Jeffy appears to be wondering, in his own stupid way, whether his special blend of idiocy, douchebaggery, nudity and murderous rage is unique.

I can't say for certain, but I sure hope it is.

Dennis the Menace: Hot Dog's not as big as Ruff, but he's a lot harder to give a bath!"

And by "give a bath," Dennis obviously means "hold under water until he passes out."

Family Circus: The toilet's backed up.

Thel's life: still miserable.