Dennis the Menace: His guardian angel must be a nervous wreck.

It's unlikely that Dolly will be as pathetically ineffectual as Mr. Wilson when she grows up, but she will almost certainly be just as mean.

Marmaduke: I don't care how offended he gets. I need a good night's sleep.

This cartoon is hilarious because Dottie's too tired to have sex with Marmaduke tonight.

Mark Trail: I'm changing to the GOOD guys ... I'm NOT a pet killer!

See, if Mark Trail were like this every day, I don't think I'd complain about it very much. Dude swinging from a tree, didactically bantering with Mark as comically bad drawing attempts to render the effects of a fist fight on the human anatomy is just a goofy good time.

Mallard Fillmore: Reading or repeating the contents of this cartoon may land you on the President's Enemies List.

Actually, anyone who reads Mallard Fillmore with the intention of deriving enjoyment from it really does belong on some sort of Enemies List.

Luann: Really?! You poor, miserable pilgrim! Come, I'll share my bounty.

And by "bounty," Luann clearly means "vagina."

Garfield: 101 Cruel Things To Do

This comic is hilarious because Garfield is a sadist.

Family Circus: Thanksgiving should come AFTER Christmas...

Billy's new religion will be very materialistic.

Crankshaft: The yardwork is over and dad can't hurt himself for another four months.

In the next exciting installment of Crankshaft: Crankshaft cuts off his own arm just to spite the daughter he loathes. Hilarity ensues.

Close to Home: ...

And people laughed at George W. Bush.

Family Circus: It's your fault, Billy! You're the oldest and you should know better!

Apparently PJ always wears loafers. I still find it odd.

Also, oh, look, Jeffy's a douche.

Marmaduke: Now what's he going to do ... hold us for ransom?

This cartoon is hilarious because Marmaduke is having sex with a car.

Lola: Ah-choo! Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

Oh, snot, will you ever cease to amuse?

Garfield: Make it a table for T-H-R-E-E.

This comic is hilarious because Garfield can spell.

Family Circus: The only sticks Kittycat will go after are FISHsticks.

Dolly may not have a great imagination, but I'm sure she has that cat incredibly well trained.

Family Circus: Parents like to pick short names for their kids 'cause it make it easier to call them.

Isn't it adorable how Dolly monomaniacally reduces every human relationship to a study in power dynamics?

Drabble: I thought you were about to admire your tire!

This comic is already pretty horrifying, but there are any number of obvious alternate punchlines that could have made it even more horrifying, so I'm glad the hack who writes Drabble was able to restrain himself.

9 Chickweed Lane: When I sang for the boys, I chose visceral.

Not to be a university prig or wannabe dictator who hates freedom or anything, but suggesting that a woman's most useful contribution to any war effort is to display her body as a masturbatory aid, as both this 9 Chickweed Lane series and a recent Luann series have done, actually is kind of sexist.

This isn't to say that there's anything wrong with depicting how things used be back in the good old days, or even that there's anything wrong with doing so uncritically. But to forcefully deny that there's anything even remotely objectionable about the way things used be is just kind of ridiculous.

Further, it's not even a terribly accurate or universal depiction of the way things used to be, as women made plenty of significant contributions to the WWII effort that did not involve objectifying themselves, any of which McEldowney could have chosen to acknowledge. But he didn't. Mostly, I presume, because he enjoys drawing hot chicks.

And there's nothing wrong with that, just as there's nothing wrong with a woman displaying herself as a masturbatory aid if that's what she wants to do. He and his characters should just cut it out with their self-righteous self-justifications.

Momma: You know, old age is good for the economy.

This comic is hilarious because these morally and financially bankrupt young people are taking advantage of their senile, yet equally unlikable, mother.

Family Circus: Dolly keeps humming "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" and we haven't even had Thanksgiving yet!

Billy apparently holds Christmas music to a different standard than Christmas decorations.

I'm not sure I understand the logic, but it's not as though religious leaders have to be coherent or anything.

Drabble: Maybe you should go pay her a visit!

This comic is hilarious because Ralph hates his wife so much that he wants her to get sick so he doesn't have to hear her talk.

Baldo: I want to be an astronaut, President of the United States and ruler of the universe!

And so Gracie wants to grow up to be an oppressive tyrant.

This is not surprising.

9 Chickweed Lane: I can proudly say I put the fight back in them.

This comic is hilarious because Edie used to give soldiers erections and this made them kill people better.

Family Circus: Billy better hope his guardian angel didn't get laid off.

This cartoon is hilarious because Dolly is thrilled that the failing celestial economy might result in Billy breaking his neck and dying.

Also, PJ appears to be wearing loafers. I find that very odd.

Luann: Okay, that sounds harmless...

This comic is hilarious because Brad has clearly never seen any Thanksgiving special ever made.

Marmaduke: Having a magician pull a rabbit out of his hat at your birthday party was a BIG mistake.

This cartoon is hilarious because Marmaduke is going to eviscerate a bunny in front of several children.

Mark Trail: I missed!

Fortunately for Sassy, this is the slowest alligator in the world.

In the next exciting installment of Mark Trail: Fortunately for Bob, this is still the slowest alligator in the world.

Drabble: Really?? OK!

Ralph's incredulous excitement over the prospect of a single, midday kiss is almost certainly the saddest thing ever.

Crankshaft: How did things go at the doctor's, Dad?

And so the doctor has apparently decided that the best thing for everybody is to just not vaccinate Crankshaft and hope he contracts a fatal disease.

This is sensible.

9 Chickweed Lane: Oh, my weapons were all concealed.

This comic is hilarious because her weapons were her tits.

Family Circus: Oh, goody! A cookie! Thank you, PJ!

And just when I start feeling sorry for PJ, he goes and reminds me of how disgusting he is.

On the other hand, Bill totally deserves this.