Family Circus: Once upon a time there lived a ghost who...Aw, c'mon! Stop giggling. This is supposed to be spooky!

Bill probably shouldn't be surprised that his kids don't find ghosts scary given that they have him for a father. People like Bill and Thel are the real monsters, after all.

Marmaduke: I wonder what Marm is up to? I haven't seen him all day.

And so Marmaduke has been eating dead bodies.

It should go without saying, but I am not surprised by this.

La Cucaracha: You are gonna dance.

Child abuse: Still hilarious when it happens to a celebrity.

Someone should tell Lalo Alcaraz that being faux-transgressive is not the same thing as being funny.*

*Someone should also tell this to Seth MacFarlane.

Brevity: Scram, filthy animals!

This cartoon is hilariously ironic because homeless people are filthy animals, too.

Pluggers: Pluggers don't have wheels on their luggage.

Yes, pluggers don't want anything to do with those newfangled... wheels?

Hi and Lois: I love everything about golf except the game.

This comic is hilarious because it's about golf, which, as every cartoonist knows, is so inherently funny that it doesn't even require an actual joke to elicit uproarious laughter.

Marmaduke: Marm! We just pay here! The food is at the next window!

In the next exciting installment of Marmaduke: Marmaduke stands over the eviscerated carcass of the fast food associate's body, blood splattered everywhere, the screams of fellow associates and customers piercing the grease and copper scented air, entrails hanging from the great beast's maw.

The caption: Marm! The cashier wasn't on the menu!*

*[Rimshot!]

Family Circus and Over the Hedge: Move along...nothing to see here.

These comics are hilarious because dogs pee on things.

Monty: Hubba hubba.

The premise of this joke is nothing particularly original. It's simple, entirely predictable misdirection. Jim Meddick seems to recognize this and doesn't even really try to hide it. It's not hard to envision the strip ending on the third panel, in which case the misdirection would have been the whole joke, and I probably would have made fun of it for being lame.

But it doesn't end on the third panel. Instead, it ends with a terrifically funny punchline in the fourth panel. And so, in a fairly rare turn, I've posted about this comic not because it's terrible, but because it made me laugh out loud.

Daddy's Home: It's macaroni and cheese from a box.

This comic is hilarious because men can't cook, because actual cooking is something women do.

Mark Trail: It's all connected.

The brilliance of Mark Trail lies in its universality, which Jack Elrod brilliantly illustrates in today's installment by cutting to a pair of squirrels who are in exactly the same situation as CEO lady and her brother. The parallel dialog and gritty realism--can't you just taste that nut?--are reminiscent of The Wire at its best.

Brewster Rockit: My Soylent Green came out lumpy.

This, of course, is what life will be like in the socialist paradise of the future. That's your grandmother in the pot, and she is delicious.

Arlo and Janis: Oh!!!

Gene has apparently been taking lessons from Mark Trail on the terrifying ickiness of women.

Family Circus: It's only an owl. Now, go back in your own sleeping bag.

Jeffy may be a cold-blooded serial killer, but I wouldn't have taken him for a rapist. Mostly because he's 3. So I can only assume that this is just a dry run, and tomorrow he brings the axe.

I also really enjoy Keane Inc.'s complete disregard for artistic continuity.

Hi and Lois: I didn't think it would take sunbeam so long to find me.

Trixie must be the loneliest baby in the whole world.

Ziggy: Basically, everything is subject to change without notice.

Of course, this sign does not apply to Ziggy itself, as it has not changed in nearly forty years and will remain as is until the four horsemen of the apocalypse finally strike it down.

Family Circus: Time to get up yet, Daddy?

This punchline could be better. Which isn't to say it could be funny, because it couldn't be funny, because this cartoon is not funny in general. But "It's not quite 10 o'clock!" is not quite right. It should be, "It's not even 10 o'clock!" Because nobody would say "quite" in this situation.

As for Billy, I can hardly blame him for not wanting to fall asleep, and neither would Bill if he had seen the same spark of violent insanity in Jeffy's eyes that Billy saw. It's likely, in fact, that Billy's vigilant surveillance is the only thing keeping the Keane clan alive.

Pluggers: A plugger law suit.

So just remember: if you dislike Pluggers, you basically hate cops and, by extension, America in general.

Daddy's Home: Yeah, I'll show you. It's way easier than bypassing a "Parental Control" password.

This comic is hilarious because Elliot looks at porn.

Pickles: Just to look nice, I guess.

Having recently discovered that the vast majority of his readers enjoy humor about how ugly they are and are too senile to remember yesterday's comics, Brian Crane has decided that it's not really worth the effort to write any more new jokes.

Pickles: Why? To improve my appearance, I suppose.

This comic is hilarious because Opal is old and ugly, and nothing she can do will ever make her attractive ever again, so she should probably just go find a nice quiet place somewhere and shoot herself in the head.

Family Circus: Dinner's takin' too long to cook, Mommy. We should've brought our microwave oven!

In today's installment of The Family Circus, Jeffy has killed a rabbit with his bare hands, and it is taking a long time to cook. Billy has grown hungry and more than a little grouchy, and wishes he had modern appliances. Thel still has a huge rack and wishes her children were more grateful for all she has sacrificed. And darling little PJ is dead.

Luann: You think they're doing other stuff?

This comic is hilarious because while Luann is horrified by the thought of Quill fucking Tiffany, Bernice is fantasizing about Quill playing checkers.

Dennis the Menace: Aren't you glad ice cream's not made from veg-tables?

As my helpful red arrows indicate, today's Dennis the Menace illustrates why cartoonists often avoid drawing feet.

The Fusco Brothers: It's the IRS...They'd like to speak to my first-born child.

The Fusco Brothers is like Ziggy, except with more adult content. It should go without saying, but that's not a compliment.

Herman: The milk was frozen. I had to put antifreeze in it.

This comic is hilarious because the woman has poisoned her husband and is reveling in his imminent death.

Pluggers: Why, I'm having apple pie and ice cream. Why?...

I'm not sure if you've heard this one before, but pluggers eat a lot of food that's unhealthy for them, and so they are very fat. This is just one of the many reasons they are Real Americans^TM.

Family Circus: We hafta put the food up there to keep it away from bears, squirrels, raccoons and Jeffy!

Dolly appears to be suggesting that Jeffy was a feral child that Bill and Thel found in the woods and decided to take in. Such kindness might at first seem out of character for the Keane parents, but it is quite likely that they were once decent human beings before the pressures of cartoon suburbia wore them down.

Little did they know, of course, that the child they were taking in, in addition to being raised by wolves*, was a soulless killing machine.

*This would completely explain Jeffy's werewolf delusion.

Lola: Are we going to need the jaws of life?

This comic is hilarious because Lola is fat.

Prickly City: Do your worst! You can't make me talk!

The relationship between this little girl and the coyote is really not right.

Also, waterboarding is no worse than going to the salon, ha ha ha.

Frank and Ernest: It's funny, Ernie, but you still need to even out the legs.

This comic is hilarious because it's not, in fact, funny.

Family Circus: Will you go gather some firewood, Billy?

Of course, it's more likely that Billy was just masturbating the whole time.

On a more serious note, I've mentioned before that the Sunday strips of The Family Circus are generally better than the dailies. And these follow-the-kids-around installments are probably the best, most creative things Bil Keane has ever done. So today's cartoon is actually pretty good, and it's only fair that I acknowledge that.

Drabble: Aw, isn't that cute?!

This comic is hilarious because Ralph is trying to hide his illiteracy from his family.

And because he, like Brutus Thornapple and Dagwood Bumstead, is a terrible father who neglects his family.

Ziggy: Sorry, but I have to do this in the yard--my toothbrush is solar-powered!

So Ziggy's an exhibitionist.

I am not at all surprised by this.

Born Loser: You're driving me crazy! Here--take my watch so you won't have to keep bothering me about the time?

This comic is hilarious because Wilberforce is desperately trying to get his father to spend some time with him, but Brutus either doesn't realize this because he's stupid or doesn't care because he's an enormous douche.