Hagar the Horrible: A wife must get up before her husband, lay out his clothes, make his breakfast, pack his lunch and kiss him goodbye.

See, ladies, being oppressed by the male hegemony and having no say whatsoever in what you do with your life isn't so bad, now is it?

Family Circus: I'm feelin' lonely!

Bossing around a bevy of stuffed animals can only sate a future tyrant like Dolly for so long.

Beetle Bailey: Overpower.

And so Sarge appears to be having an affair with Mrs. Halftrack. Since this goes against everything we know about Sarge, one can only assume that this is either an attempt to keep up appearances or a humorous coloring error.

Baldo: I think Tia Carmen has found her dream pot.

And so Tia Carmen is probably a cannibal.

This isn't terribly surprising.

Family Circus: Will you open this, Mommy? I'm not sure it's done enough to eat.

This cartoon is hilarious because Jeffy wants to know whether the banana is ripe or not.

Also, there's something about the way the banana is situated in the center of the panel, set against the stark white background that strikes me as oddly compelling. It's as though the banana is not just a banana. It is a source of life. More than that, it is a totem of sorts, representing not just a source of life, but the source of life. And Jeffy, Thel, the dog licking its lips and, yes, us, we all revolve around it. I dare say, I think Billy may have found the central symbol of his new religious system, if only he's paying attention.

Dennis the Menace: If I had a brother, I'd want him to be just like you, Ruff.

And so Dennis would like one of his parents to copulate with a dog.

He has evidently been reading The Wizard of Id.

9 Chickweed Lane: ...Honey, these guys may be here to enjoy a tune, but they really like it when they can admire the instrument.

"No, really, all that matters is how fuckable you are. I hope you don't think they like you because you're talented or anything."

If I'm not mistaken, this is the guy Edie went on to marry. And isn't it obvious why?

Herb & Jamaal: sometimes you've gotta take advantage of the moment.

This comic is hilarious because Jamaal's such a terrible husband/boyfriend that his wife/girlfriend has to wait until he falls asleep to get her daily dose of imaginary personal affection.

Ziggy: Velveeta, Velveeta, Velvetta ... Haven't you ever heard of camambert?

And so Ziggy apparently eats nothing but large blocks of processed cheese product.

I think this more or less explains his physical appearance.

Pluggers: A plugger isn't concerned with "recalls."

This cartoon is hilarious because pluggers are much more likely to die in automobile accidents than the rest of the population.

Family Circus: Good job, Daddy! I bet you'd win the gold medal in snow shovelin'.

This cartoon is hilarious because Jeffy is impressed with his father's shoveling, and the Olympics are currently ongoing, so he has repeated a cliched metaphor he's no doubt heard many times before.

Dennis the Menace: Wouldn't it be easier to just tell me what I CAN do?

This cartoon is hilarious because Dennis supports positive reinforcement over positive punishment.

Family Circus: I hope I get better marks this decade than I did last decade.

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy wants to get better grades than he did OH MY GOD THE JEFFY IS MUTATING RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!

9 Chickweed Lane: They may love your voice and yearn for your smile ... but it's your caboose that will win their hearts.

A slight corrective to yesterday's post: Remember, girls, whatever actual skills you might have, the most important thing is how hot you look your ass looks.

The Phantom: Give them time!

Ha ha! The Phantom's kids hate you! I'll bet you feel like a loser now, Mr. President!

Marmaduke: Even an ice storm won't stop Marm from checking his bones.

By which Phil of course means "killing people and needing a place to bury their horrifically mutilated remains."

Family Circus: I wonder if all their sleds are named Bob.

And Dolly's psychological torture and humiliation of her idiot brother continues apace.

Drabble: Parcheesi?!

This comic is hilarious because Ralph and June have nothing in common, hate spending time together and should probably get a divorce.

9 Chickweed Lane: Just stand there a moment and let them get a load of you.

Remember, girls, whatever actual skills you might have, the most important thing is how hot you look.

Wizard of Id: Are you ready for dinner with my mother?

Mother-in-law, shame, etc.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith: It didn't even qualify fer "cash-fer-scrap metal"!!

Ha ha! A Cash-for-Clunkers joke! I'll bet this might have been moderately amusing 6 months ago!*

*Not really!

The Phantom: I wish Dad was here!

This comic is hilarious because Kit and Heloise are miserable now that their mother has died* and their father has selfishly abandoned them.**

*Not really!

**Because he's a repugnant asshole!

Mark Trail: The rough spots are over, Senator! How are you doing?

If only Mark had chosen to use his hands to heal rather than destroy, this all could have been avoided.

But, of course, that would have made him a pussy.

Hi and Lois: How long do you think it would take to repaint this kitchen?

This comic is hilarious because Lois is annoyed to be stuck in the regressive, widely sexist culture of the comics section.

Family Circus: It's a TV set. He wanted to watch the Olympics.

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy has an imagination.

Crush it, Thel! Crush it now!

Family Circus: ...

And so it appears that PJ is well on his way to becoming just as insufferable, immoral and materialistic as his siblings.

Bill and Thel should probably sell him off now while he still has a modicum of value.