Family Circus: I'm Old Father Time. I'm here to remind you to set your clocks back, except in Arizona, Hawaii, Puerto Rico..."

He is, of course, also there to take her soul to Hell. Not because it's Halloween or anything, but just because he's a Keane, and that's what Keanes do.

Mark Trail: S-h-h-h ... Did you hear that?

Jack Elrod's depiction of human behavior has always been somewhat at odds with actual human behavior. That he would now have us believe that Sassy is chasing after a deer "to make friends" with it throws serious doubt on the idea that Mark Trail is in any way a font of accurate information about animal behavior, either.

The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee: Her phone number.

This comic is hilarious because these old people are going to fuck each other even though we know from the comic strip Pickles that old people are disgusting and have no right to happiness.

Red and Rover: Trick or treat! Here--your mother-in-law is coming for a visit.

Serious question: was there ever a point in time when mother-in-law jokes were considered hip or funny?

Pluggers: Pluggers don't have to learn a lot of history ... they've lied it!

This cartoon is hilarious because pluggers are ignorant and solipsistic.

Family Circus: Some days my grandmother rode a horse to school.

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy has a limited understanding of the history of transportation in America.

The Born Loser and Luann: Paper clips.

Two things:
1. When you're making the same joke as The Born Loser, it's time take a step back and reassess your work.
2. Why does Greg Evans hate children?

Drabble: Good job! Here's an extra milk dud!

This comic is hilarious because Ralph enjoys seeing his wife tormented, and also because Ruth is tormented by stupid things because she's a woman.

Marmaduke: Mom! You're going to have to buy more Halloween treats.

In the next exciting installment of Marmaduke: Marmaduke eats yet more Halloween candy.*

*It never gets old!

Curtis: When I'm scrimpin' and pinchin' just keep the landlord off our backs and a pot of beans on the stove!

This comic is hilarious* because Curtis's family is having financial difficulties.

*Even Curtis himself thinks so!

Prickly City: Stalin! Mao! Castro! Che! Chavez!

This comic is hilarious because Carmen accidentally forgot to mention Hitler. Liberals love Hitler most of all.

Cow and Boy: I don't understand. Did I come off as weird or creepy?

I don't have a lot to say about this Cow and Boy, but it's funny enough that it deserves some sort of mention. The combination of bizarreness and sadness is impressive.

Marmaduke: Aha ... the answer to the mystery of the missing Halloween treats!

This cartoon is hilarious because Marmaduke has consumed a lethal amount of chocolate and will soon die.

Family Circus: I made him a baby out of an orange.

So this is how Dolly sees her fellow human beings.

This is not surprising.

Drabble: I want my house to look nice for the the neighbors.

I should know better than to expect anything other than inexcusable laziness out of Drabble, but the drawing in the first panel here really annoys me anyway. Ruth is holding her roller crooked, but the paint on the wall does not reflect that. Further, the section of paint that's longer than the others is wider than the roller is.

As for the joke, it's hilarious because women are stupid and superficial.

BC: What's goin' on with the TV?

This comic seems to be operating on the premise that ant television antennae became useless after after the prehistoric digital switchover. But, of course, that's not true. As anyone who's even remotely aware of prehistoric ant technology knows, digital ant television antennae were required to receive digital channels.

Mark Trail: And Sassy, Rusty's little dog, decides to investigate the strange sounds.

Holy shit, everybody. Sassy's going to get herself poached.

This is actually sort of disappointing, as Sassy is probably the most well-developed and sympathetic character in the Elrodverse. If only it were Rusty...

Family Circus: I'll bet this guy leads the league in spitting.

This comic is hilarious because baseball players spit.

In the next exciting edition of The Family Circus: What's the deal with airplane peanuts, anyway?

Cleats: Grrrrrrrr...

Michael Vick: evil enough that people hate him in a borderline irrational manner, but not so evil that he can't appear as a punchline in a family comic strip.

Family Circus: What's this guy's first name? I know his last name is "Saurus."

This cartoon is hilarious because Jeffy is attempting to apply his flawed understanding of cultural anthroponymy to prehistoric dinosaurs.

Marmaduke: Well, yes, he buries other things besides bones.

This cartoon is hilarious because Phil is explaining to his neighbor that Marmaduke eats people.

Doonesbury: Pandora analyzes his list and kicks out other tunes he's likely to dig.

So Doonesbury is apparently selling off panels for ad space now.

Expect a long, moderately witty meta-commentary about this Sunday, followed by contact information.

Mallard Fillmore: But what if I'm misunderstood?

How can the guy who writes Mallard Fillmore be entirely certain that liberals exist when he's so clearly never actually met one of them? Or is this bald guy one of those mythical beast things meant to unite a people on the verge of self-annihilation, like the giant space squid in Watchmen?

Hi and Lois: I have to lose ten pounds in the next month.

Hi and Lois is never the best drawn comic in the comics section, but today's is especially lazy.

• Random lines on the wall possibly meant to connote shadow? Check.
• Amorphous blob of yellow probably meant to connote some sort of clothing? Check.
• Enormous sled-like scale? Check.
• Bizarrely misshapen feet? Check.
• Yet more bizarrely misshapen feet? Check.
• And, of course, on the writing side of things, a terrible, old joke with nothing whatsoever to recommend it? Check.

Mark Trail: What about the poachers? Do we have to worry about them?

"Oh golly heck no, Rusty! We don't have to worry about those poachers who knocked me unconscious and tried to feed me to alligators! Why would we have to worry about them?"

Pluggers: OK, who votes to go get some ice cream?!...

Little do the plugger children realize, of course, that what they have in fact volunteered for is slave labor at grandpa's dairy farm.

Family Circus: When you get older, do you wanna be a granddad or a grandpa?

I'm not sure how Dolly managed to get knocked up at such a young age, but that's clearly where this conversation is headed.

Drabble: Here lies Ralph Drabble.

Here in the final panel we see the tantalizing image of a dead Drabble. It's almost enough to make up for the terrible joke.

Baldo: Technology isn't so fancy.

This comic is hilarious because people used to look out windows, but now they don't.

Blondie: What's cooki', good lookin'?

The ease with which Dagwood throws Blondie into a fainting spell here finally reveals what is almost certainly the secret to her admittedly impressive physique.

Family Circus: Mine Will!

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy hates his mother.*

*Unlike Jeffy, who seems to love his mother just a bit too much.

Hi and Lois: Yeah, Dad is telling me about the ancient mating rituals of the prehistoric teenager.

This comic is hilarious because young people used to have relationships back in the good old days but now they just randomly fuck each other in bathroom stalls.

Pickles: Really? When will that be?

This comic is hilarious because Nelson wants his grandmother to die.

And considering how ugly and useless she is, who can blame him?