Family Circus: I guess he hurt himself and his mommy is kissing it better.

This is not a healthy reaction to seeing a woman kiss a man.

Shoe: Post-paradigm-shift depression.

This comic is hilarious because it doesn't really mean anything at all.

Betty: Beep! Beep!

This is one of those cases where the comic would be better if the third panel were omitted, but actually omitting the third panel would probably render the joke incomprehensible to anyone who doesn't read the comics section every day. It's not the cartoonist's fault, so much as it a flaw in the medium. Daily exposition is a necessary component of even the very simple continuing stories in comic strips because cartoonists just can't trust their readers to stay up to date or pay a ton of attention. It doesn't have to be this way, of course, but it is the way the medium has evolved at the present time.

Sally Forth: Well, it's the thought that ... no, get our money back now.

This comic is hilarious because Ted is never going to get laid ever again.

Prickly City: I've been downgraded to "Wings Rock Band"...

You know, both Wings and Ringo get a bad rap. Wings did some good stuff. And Ringo was a genuinely talented drummer with a showman's flair. Even Yoko gets a bad rap. She is, after all, partially responsible for this. And it's not like The Beatles were going to last forever, anyway.

As for Prickly City, I have to say that I'm much more tolerant of it ever since I started reading Mallard Fillmore. It has two decent characters and is occasionally moderately amusing. It only really suffers, like most political strips, when it gets too political. There's a lesson there.

Marmaduke: We were helping at the soup kitchen, but Marmaduke ate all the soup.

This cartoon is hilarious because now poor people might starve.

Mark Trail: This is the best time Sassy and I have ever had, Mark!

Ha ha. Yes, this has been the best time ever, what with the ALMOST GETTING EATEN BY GATORS AND ALL.

Dennis the Menace: Can you take your shoes off? My mom says you have crow's feet.

This cartoon is hilarious because Dennis has a foot fetish.

The Phantom: I used Guran's medical genius to keep the madman alive!

The moral of this comic is that you should not help people because they might end up murdering your wife.

Family Circus: Can I volunteer to be some 'nother help?

The moral of this cartoon is that when you offer to volunteer, you should be sure to do it in the most confusing way possible. That way people will just smile at you pityingly, and probably let you go away without doing anything.

Marmaduke: This is what I meant when I said you could help at a homeless shelter.

The moral of this cartoon is that you should volunteer, but not so much that it causes you personal discomfort or requires any sort of sacrifice or anything.

Hagar the Horrible and Dilbert: Not only do you help to improve our world, but you will feel better personally by volunteering!!!

The moral of these comics is that people who ask you to volunteer are probably exploiting you, and might even be leading you to your death.

Dennis the Menace: The Wilsons will be glad we washed their windows.

The moral of this cartoon is that you should volunteer because it will annoy your neighbors.

Baldo: Dude, I haven't seen your dad in, like, three days.

This comic is hilarious because Baldo's father has all of a sudden revealed himself to be very, very creepy.

Lola: Opening your heart. Giving your time. Looking out for others.

And so the moral of this week's Lola storyline is that if you are clinically depressed and on the verge of committing suicide, you can cure yourself by carrying a sign urging people to go to a website that urges people to do some sort of vague volunteer work.

It will unfortunately not cure your douchiness, however.

Family Circus: Now I know what it feels like to live in Australia!

This cartoon is hilarious because Bill has physically abused Billy so much that he has become delusional.

Shoe: Google search.

This comic is hilarious because it's not entirely clear that Gary Brookins understands how Google works.

Drabble: LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

This comic is hilarious because Norman is terrified at the prospect of seeing a vagina.

9 Chickweed Lane: For every cartoon created in the universe, there is an equal and opposite imbecile to object to it.

I'm just going to go ahead and count that as a shout-out.

BC: The spirit of giving is in the air.

Which is more bizarre and morally incoherent: The BC comic above or the Dan Bejar song below?

Hi and Lois: I was beginning to think my purpose was just to fill up diapers.

Because nothing goes together like existential angst and baby shit.

Crankshaft: Hey! You missed one!

I'd write more about Crankshaft, but literally every entry would be some iteration of "This comic is hilarious because Crankshaft is an enormous asshole."

Not every comic strip can be as rife with critical possibilities as The Family Circus.

Shoe: It's illegal to do that to a car.

The only way this comic makes any sense is if you interpret it as Roz's attempt to seduce the mechanic. But that's horrifying. So it's probably best to just let the comic make no sense.

Family Circus: Why does this finger keep forgettin' to grow as much as the rest?

This cartoon is hilarious because Jeffy does not understand anatomy.

Beetle Bailey: Nice typos.

On the one hand, "typos" is a clear and logical reference to the mistakes in Mrs. Buxley's letters, and so inferring latent sexism seems somewhat unfair.

On the other hand, the minute I saw the second panel, I assumed that "typos" was in fact a euphemism for "tits." And the fact that General Halftrack appears to be staring at said tits, in addition to the general prominence of said tits, contributes to the feeling that my snap judgment was probably not wrong.

Lola: I feel like I've got no direction. Like a rudderless ship adrift on the ocean.

This comic is hilarious because Lola is attempting to allay her soul-crushing depression by consuming shellfish.*

*Sadly, this might actually be a step in the right direction for her.

Family Circus: This is MY house, but my parents and brothers live here too.

Considering that Dolly is an unfeeling sociopath who can get whatever she wants, which makes her statement completely true, it's somewhat unclear as to what the joke here is actually supposed to be.

Hi and Lois: I also don't like it when it steals my crumbs.

This comic is hilarious because Dawg is morbidly obese.

Beetle Bailey: Cake?

If Sarge wasn't a tragic figure before, he certainly is now that this comic has revealed him to be a closeted gay man, trapped in a "don't ask, don't tell" military culture, using a food addiction to repress his true sexual urges.

Family Circus: I don't think there IS anything better to do.

This cartoon is hilarious because Billy enjoys playing video games.

Blondie: Z

This comic is hilarious because the comics section if populated entirely by lazy fucks.

Lola: What are you looking for, Mom?

This comic is hilarious because Lola is attempting to allay her soul-crushing depression by consuming artificial cheese product.

Family Circus: Mommy! I bought a goldfish! It only cost 75¢!

This cartoon is hilarious because Dolly does not understand household economics and because the Keanes apparently cannot afford to spend $35.79.

Blondie: This better be good.

This comic is hilarious because Dagwood has not yet discovered that computers are personal pornography machines.